


Star of the Wooded Mountain

by jamgrl



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Blue Ridge/Appalachia, Childhood (Camp) Friends, Co-Counselors, Crowley POV, Crowley is Good With Kids (Good Omens), Femme!Aziraphale - Freeform, Ineffable Partners, Ineffable Spouses, Mild Swearing, Non-binary character, Non-binary!Crowley, North Carolina, Other, Secret Relationship, She/Her pronouns for Aziraphale, Summer Camp AU, They/Them pronouns for Crowley, an assortment of Good Omens characters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-23
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:47:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 47,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24877930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jamgrl/pseuds/jamgrl
Summary: Going back to campshouldn’thave been hard. Yeah, okay, there was the gender-queer thing and the whole, uh, gendered cabin situation. And, yeah, being a counselor wasn’t going to be the same as being a camper.But Tony loved everything else about camp. Tony loved the woods and the creek and the s’mores. Mostly, though, Tony loved Azira.And they were afraid. That they would be a bad counselor, that Azira would stop liking them. Twelve weeks was a long time, and Tony didn’t know if their life was going to fall together or fall apart.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 80
Kudos: 57
Collections: Good AUmens AU Fest, Good Omens Human AUs





	1. Arrival (Carolina in My Mind)

**Author's Note:**

> “But Jam?” you may be wondering, “didn’t you _just_ write a Wives fic that takes place in the North Carolina mountains?” And the answer is yes. Yes I did. You can find it [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22856812/chapters/54630208). I love my state, and I harbor no shame in that. This one is a _Spouses_ fic, thank you very much, and it is _really different_ , I _promise_.
> 
> This is for the Good Omens Events “Good AUmens AU Fest” for the alternate universe “Summer Camp Counselors”. Thank you to the GO-Events and Ineffable Wives discords for support and encouragement! Thank you specifically to [TawnyOwl95](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TawnyOwl95/pseuds/TawnyOwl95) for doing excellent beta reading for me ([check out her au!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24537991/chapters/59248396)) and [ParmeJeanneCheese](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ParmeJeanneCheese/pseuds/ParmeJeanneCheese) for being my fantastic enby sensitivity reader!!! These two are seriously the bee's knees.

**_“You never know ahead of time what something is really going to be like.” -The Bridge to Terabithia, Katherine Paterson_ **

It was different, being back. 

Too many seasons had passed for it to feel quite the same; it wasn’t an entirely comfortable place anymore. 

And yet, there were those waves of familiarity, those tidal waves of memory, images and emotions in Tony’s head. The smell of pine- not just any pine, this _particular_ pine, on this _particular_ mountain- took Tony immediately back. 

Back to skinned knees and grass stains and tumbling down hills. Hunting for crawfish in the stream, wet clothes and a missing shoe- it went downstream ages ago, Tony was too preoccupied to care. A counselor saying it was time for lunch and _maybe you should change real quick, sweetheart_. Singing songs and building fires and _no you can’t have another s’more, there’s cookies later_. Skits and starlight and _please_ _go to sleep and no more talking._

Friends, too. 

Friends that returned year after year, friends to grow up with, friends that understood what camp was all about. Friends that stood the test of time, because at camp, time was all they had. 

Friends to spend the school year talking to late at night, friends your parents knew by name because of how often they called, friends that made you count the days until you were at camp again, reunited.

Well.

One friend in particular, in Tony’s case.

There were other friends, of course there were other friends, but only one brought Tony to this very spot on this very day, after years of thinking they would never find their feet planted on this mountain again.

**_(2016, three summers ago)_ **

**_Camp Falling Star_ **

_**Brevard, North Carolina** _

_Tony,_

_I’m a Counselor In Training!!! Can you believe it?_

_It’s so odd being here without you. Oh, I wish you had applied to be a CIT! But then, maybe we wouldn’t have been in the same session. It’s weird being in a different session! They say the sessions have personalities. I'm excited to find out what this one is like!_

_You have to write me. I couldn’t stand being at camp and not receiving a single letter. I think my parents think I’m too old now. You know what they told me? They told me they used to pre-write letters so they wouldn’t forget and they would mail them before they even took me to camp. They told the camp staff to hold them until the specific days they wanted me to get letters! Terrible. Terrible, I tell you!_

_You wouldn’t do that, would you? You wouldn’t send me a letter made of LIES. No, of course not. Just send me a response, quick! I can’t watch other people get piles of letters and find myself empty handed. You know how sacred letters are at camp._

_Look at me, rambling on. I haven’t said anything, have I? The main thing is, I miss you! Camp isn’t the same without you! Eight summers of camp together, and now I have to endure my first summer without you??? How can I! But I suppose I must, because_ _someone_ _decided not to come back!_

_But don’t worry, I’ll tell you all about it. I would say that I would get into some trouble for you, you know, to make up for you not being here, but I’m a counselor now! Well, still in training, yeah yeah yeah. But there are responsibilities and all that. So I have to be on my best behavior, you know. Maybe it’s for the best you aren’t a CIT. Are you capable of good behavior? (I’m just teasing, of course.)_

_Don’t forget to write!!!_

_Your partner in_ ~~_crime_ ~~ _good deeds_

_Azira_

**_(2017, two summers ago)_ **

**_Camp Falling Star_ **

_**Brevard, North Carolina** _

_Tony,_

_I can’t believe I am spending the whole summer at camp. Twelve weeks! What a way to spend the summer before college. But I know I won’t regret it for even a second. I’m going to write you all summer! You have to respond!_

_Oh, Tony! Why won’t you come be a counselor? Please come next year! It’s not camp without Tony Crowley!_

_If you come next year, I’ll still write you letters. I’ll sneak them into your mailbox when no one is looking and it will always look like you have tons of people showering you with mail. I’ll sign them with a fake name and it will be our secret. In-camp secret pen pals. What do you think?_

_Azira_

**_(2018, last summer)_ **

**_Camp Falling Star_ **

_**Brevard, North Carolina** _

_Tony,_

_This summer has been a total inspiration. I can’t explain it. I’ve cried more times than I can count. But I’ve laughed harder than ever, too. These kids are so smart, and fierce, and I am learning from them every day._

_And then today I got news that brought me to tears, but the good kind._

_I had my meeting with Tracy, you know, just for her to check in on how I was doing and to give me feedback. And she asked me if I was planning to come back next year. I said of course, because I can’t imagine spending my summer anywhere else. And she said what do I think about being a Line Head? A Line Head!!! Me! Can you believe it!_

_I’ll be in charge of all the counselors on the girls Middler Line. I’m excited to have some leadership, and I’m excited to be with the Middler campers- isn’t ten to twelve just the best age to be a camper? (I’m secretly glad that she didn’t ask me to be Senior Line Head, because they can get to be sassy when they get to be Seniors. Was I sassy as a Senior camper, do you think?)_

_I know you will probably have a fancy internship lined up next summer, with how smart you are. Probably with NASA or the Smithsonian or something. And you should probably do that._

_But if you_ _don’t_ _end up having a fancy internship lined up… I know I always ask you to come to camp, and I know you probably never will. But it would mean a whole lot to me if you did. I’m really excited to be a Line Head, but I’m scared, too. I think if you were around, I don’t know, it might be easier. You are my best camp friend, do you know that? And I really miss you._

_Think about it?_

_Azira_

Azira was right. Tony could have had some fancy internship. That’s what they’d done the previous summer. It had been in a research lab doing water quality testing on river samples. It had been a good position, funded by a grant from the governor’s office and everything, a great thing for Tony’s resume. 

It had also been tedious grunt work. Turns out spending the summer stuck in a dark lab testing hundreds of water samples for sediment and phosphorus and nitrogen and fecal coliform levels wasn’t exactly riveting. Tony had gotten the occasional field day to collect samples, and those were the fun days, but most of the time… let’s just say Tony could recommend quite a few podcasts thanks to that summer.

Running away from boring internship work wasn’t the reason Tony had found themself on this very familiar mountain, however. 

It was that letter. How could Tony possibly have said no to that?

It was something about the plea for help, about the soft way she asked for Tony’s support. 

Tony wasn’t one for many words. They didn’t talk much and they never wrote letters as long as the ones they received from Azira. It felt unfair, somehow, that words came so easily to her. That she could put her entire self onto a piece of paper for Tony to devour again and again.

Azira was why Tony was on the side of a mountain, thinking of skinned knees and s’mores and crawfish. Thinking of the girl with bouncy blonde pigtails who dove into the lake in her swim goggles and her swimsuit with the mermaid on it and fished Tony’s sad and soggy flip flop out of the mud so they wouldn’t get into trouble for losing yet another shoe.

The girl whose voice Tony knew anywhere and whose every subtlety of her handwriting Tony had memorized, but who Tony hadn’t seen in person since they were both sixteen.

Tony was still standing at the bottom of the hill at the front of camp, with a big metal trunk at their feet and a backpack on their shoulders, when they saw her, bounding down the grass excitedly like an over enthusiastic puppy. She had big, round glasses, and two french braids flipping around behind her, and she was wearing a light blue staff polo with the camp’s logo in the corner. 

It was a nice color on her. It matched her eyes.

“Tony!” she called, nearly knocking Tony over when she flung her arms around them, wrapping them in a tight hug through the straps of their backpack. Once Tony regained their footing and got over the shock of the attack, they very awkwardly returned the hug, only lightly touching Azira.

“You’re taller!” Azira exclaimed, as she attempted to crush Tony’s ribs.

“You’re not,” Tony managed to reply, despite the lack of air reaching their lungs.

“Of course not!” Azira pulled away and looked up at Tony’s face. “How are you taller?” she asked, suspicious. “We were sixteen your last summer. And I thought women stopped growing at sixteen! I read it or my doctor told me, or something like that.”

“I’m not a woman,” Tony cut in.

Azira covered her mouth, eyes widening in shock. “No, of course not!” she said, uncovering her mouth. “I’m sorry,” she said softly.

Tony shrugged as nonchalantly as they could and suppressed a smile. Because even if it was an awkward moment, it was kind of cute, how embarrassed Azira was. But they didn’t want her to know that. “It’s okay.”

Azira sighed in happy relief. “Oh Tony, I’ve missed you. This feels like a dream! Pinch me! No wait, don’t actually pinch me.” Azira gasped suddenly, reaching out to grab Tony’s arms. “I have to introduce you to the others. You are going to love Anathema!”

“Anathema? That’s a funny name.”

“Of course it’s a funny name! It’s her camp name! I am ‘Angel’, by the way. Remember to only call me that once the campers are here! You will need a camp name, too. You should know that ‘Newt’ is already taken. Which is too bad, because if anyone could ever find a newt in that old creek, it was you! I don’t think ‘Crawfish’ is a very good name. ‘Crawdad’? ‘Crawdaddy’? No, that’s terrible.”

“I was thinking Crow.”

“Crow!” Azira exclaimed in shock and horror. “That’s way too close to your real name!”

“That’s a good thing. And I like crows. Good birds.”

Azira pursed her lips. Tony knew that look. It was a look of silent judgement. Tony wouldn’t cave. They raised their eyebrows at her, unflinching.

Azira rolled her eyes and shook her head. “Crow it is,” she conceded. “Come on!” She turned and started pulling Tony up the hill by their forearm.

“What about my trunk?” Tony asked, looking back at the dented metal thing covered in faded stickers and dust still sitting on the gravel drive.

“Leave it,” Azira said. “I’ll send some CITs to get it. You know, if you had been on time, there would have been a whole welcome party,” she added pointedly.

Tony racked their brain for a suitable excuse for why they had arrived six hours late. They couldn’t think of one, so they opted not to respond. 

Cold feet, had been what it was. A last minute rethinking of the entire plan to return to camp. 

They had dawdled, trying to think of every excuse to delay packing their luggage and stuffing it all into the trunk of their vintage beetle. The eight and a half hour drive was no picnic, either, and they had stopped every chance they’d gotten: to buy some cold brew coffee, or some gas station jerky, or a bag of chips. They had considered turning around at least three times. At a certain point, they had gone too far for it to make sense, so they’d had to commit. The real crime, though, had been stopping at the rest area a half hour out and just sitting in the parking lot, hitting their head against the steering wheel.

By the time they had pulled their car into the muddy patch of land Camp Falling Star dared to call a parking lot and had managed to pull out their over heavy trunk without dropping the stupid thing on their feet (How had they never noticed how heavy that thing was in all their camp years? Oh right, their parents had always carried it.), it was far too late to back out. And, by the time they found themself huffing up the steep gravel drive, dragging that trunk behind them, attempting to wheel it on those ancient, rickety wheels on the bottom corners that didn’t so much roll as they did wobble dangerously, but instead only succeeding in scraping the bottom along the rocky way and kicking dust up their legs, they had already missed the two-hour arrival window, the staff welcome lunch, cabin set up and unpacking time, and all of the introductory ice breaker activities. As a sharp metal corner of their trunk hit their calf for the tenth time (painfully catching their exposed leg hair instead of hitting the protective layer of denim just above their knees) and they tried to suppress the feelings of regret, they hoped they at least hadn’t missed dinner. 

_Regret for what, exactly?_ Tony wondered. _Coming late, or coming at all?_

What was so hard about coming back to camp?

Maybe it was a fear of being in charge of a bunch of rowdy kids.

Maybe it was a fear of having to explain the whole gender-queer thing at a camp that separated kids and counselors into single gender cabins. Or worse, having to _not_ explain the whole gender-queer thing at a camp that separated kids and counselors into single gender cabins.

Most likely, it was the paralyzing fear of not living up to Azira’s expectations.

Because Azira always spoke so highly of Tony, talking about them like they were a Nobel prize winner or something. 

Because Tony had really wanted to see Azira after four years of separation, but Tony was scared. Because Tony really liked the friendship they had and they really didn’t want it to change. 

Because it _could_ change. Four years of long distance friendship to _twelve weeks_ at camp together?

A lot of things could fall apart in that amount of time. 

Azira could realize Tony wasn’t that great, after all. And Tony didn’t want that.

Because Tony thought really highly of Azira. 

Because Azira was this incredible, amazing beam of light. 

Because her camp name, “Angel”, suited her so well. Because she was an angel.

Because Tony was in love with her.

And this was a really, _really_ bad idea, wasn’t it?

“I love your short hair, by the way,” Azira said, as they made it to the wooden steps of the camp mess hall, which lived at the very top of the hill they had been scaling. “It’s really cute,” she continued. 

Tony was thankful Azira was facing away, because they could perfectly picture the shade of crimson that their face probably had turned. 

Their free hand shot to their hair and ruffled it nervously. “I’m not cute,” they muttered, but Azira didn’t seem to hear them. That, or she purposefully ignored the comment, remaining very stoic as she opened the mess hall doors.

Entering the mess hall, Tony was struck with a very strange sensation of both familiarity and foreignness. Had the walls been repainted? Or had the wood paneling always been that garish green? Were the colorfully painted wooden tables in a different configuration? Had the chairs always been that short? But then they also thought that maybe nothing was different at all. It was difficult to tell what was genuinely different and what just looked different thanks to the stretch of time and increased age. 

Plus, there was something very weird about the relative emptiness. They had never seen the place not filled with kids. Instead, the place was partially occupied by older teens and young adults, and there was a low buzz of activity. Some people went about setting the few tables out of the dozens in the room that would be needed for dinner, and others stood around chatting and waiting for it to be time to sit down.

Azira led Tony to a small group of people to introduce them, sharing their names (Anathema, Newt, and Prince Beez- all camp names, of course). Newt seemed like a perfectly nice, if confused, guy, and Prince Beez seemed... bored, mostly. Tony wasn’t sure what to think of Anathema. Azira had said they would like her, but the way she immediately sized Tony up put them a little on edge. She did seem cool, Tony had to hand her that, with her dark toned bohemian witch look. That flowy dress didn’t seem all that practical for a camp setting, but she was a returning counselor, so who was Tony to judge?

“This is my absolutely _wonderful_ friend that I have been bragging about!” Azira gushed, with far more enthusiasm than Tony deserved.

Anathema raised her eyebrows. “This is the famous Tony Crowley?” she asked skeptically, staring Tony down like she could see into their soul. Tony really needed to dig out their sunglasses at some point.

Azira, apparently unaware of the extreme discomfort Anathema was putting Tony in, answered with an exuberant “Yes!” Tony felt like Azira had oversold them. “Though their camp name will be ‘Crow’,” Azira added. 

“Creative,” Anathema said, and Tony had the sinking feeling they had failed a test. They regretted the choice of the black button down with the snakes, too. Maybe it was too bold. No. Scratch that. It was a very cool shirt.

There was some very awkward small talk after that, but before Tony could embarrass themself too much, and before Tony’s stomach did something inopportune, like growl, a little bell rang. 

The bell meant the tables were finished being set, with big family style bowls of food in the center of each table, ready to be passed, and it was time to find a seat.

Like clockwork, everyone found a seat to stand behind while they sang a very campy non-religious blessing. Even the blessing was odd- because Tony hadn’t sung it in years, and yet the words came to their tongue like they had been waiting there, dormant behind their teeth all this time. Tony’s speculation on the nature of song lyrics quickly dissipated, though, when, as Tony shed their bag and sat down directly next to Azira, they took in the heavenly aroma of the feast of American comfort food laid out before them. The smell flooded Tony’s brain, leaving little room for anything else. Tony realized, then, that they hadn’t actually eaten a real meal all day. 

Tragically, before they were able to start putting food on plates, the camp owners, Thaddeus and Harriet Dowling, stood up to make a speech. 

It would have been generous to say that Tony attentively listened to the speech detailing the camp’s history along with the important people who have been associated with the camp over the years. Tony didn’t really care that some old college dean or something went to this camp. 

Tony guessed all of that phoney baloney bullshit was the reason the Dowling’s had bought the camp from the really eccentric old man that used to own it. It was a good thing, really, that the Dowlings’ role was more on the business and finance side, and not in the day to day. If anyone could suck the soul out of camp, it was them.

The Camp _Directors_ were the ones that were the true heart of camp. Tony hadn’t met the new Program Director, Mary, yet, but Azira had said good things in her letters. And Tony liked the Staff Director, Tracy. With those two, and fantastic peer leaders like Azira, surely camp would still be camp.

After the Dowling’s finally finished their joint State of the Union address, complete with the parading of their child, Warlock (poor thing, being subjected to that), they were allowed to eat!

By some miracle, the piles of macaroni and cheese and mashed potatoes and roast chicken were still hot. Tony was pleased to find that it hadn’t been childhood rose colored glasses that had made them believe camp food was good. Camp food actually was _really good._

Maybe that was the hunger talking, or the dinner’s juxtaposition to the gas station jerky from earlier. It didn’t matter, Tony dug in. 

Azira was the star of the table, of course, with her peppy personality and sparkling conversation topics. She must have had prepared ice breakers or something. Everyone apparently was not too cool to play along, and Azira quickly had all these counselors eating out of her hand.

Normally, this kind of situation might have given Tony anxiety. Tony never was one to say much when in large groups of people. But they were so high on the pleasure of good food after a really long day, that they forgot themself and threw a few quips Azira’s way. It earned them some good natured laughter from the table and a few gentle swats from Azira paired with an increase of voltage on her glow, which Tony wouldn’t have previously thought possible.

Overall, it was a really good dinner, and for the first time all day, Tony felt like this could be a really good summer.

The next step was finding out where the heck Tony would be spending it.

There were a total of six “lines” at the camp: rows of cabins which were nestled into either side of the camp’s mountain. One side had the girls, and the other the boys. Each line had a different age group- Juniors (age six to nine), Middlers (age ten to twelve), and Seniors (age thirteen to fifteen). There were two more special cabins separate from the main lines- those were reserved for the sixteen year olds, who were the oldest campers (called “Cadets”) and who sort of had a special status around camp.

That last year at camp- that had been the coolest, by far. They’d had more free time, because even though they were still technically campers, it was more like this funny zone in between being a camper and a CIT (Counselor In Training). They paid half price for camp, and in return, they would be activity helpers for two out of the four activity periods, they would help with occasional special events, and they would do work in the mess hall, like setting the tables and doing the dishes. But otherwise- they had free roam of camp. And Tony and Azira had had a whole lot of time to goof off together. God, what a great summer- laying around in hammocks set up in the cabin, wandering around the camp trails, sneaking into the kitchen to swipe leftover muffins.

Now they both had actual responsibilities. Azira especially, being a Line Head.

Azira already knew she would be with the Middlers all summer, being girls Middler Line Head. The rest of the counselors could be placed anywhere. Most people already knew, probably, since they’d all actually had time to see their assignments and go to their cabins. Tony had to ask a random person where the line and cabin assignments were posted, because right after dinner, Azira was whisked off with the other Line Heads to talk in a huddle with the Staff Director, Tracy.

Tracy was an eccentric, but genuinely kind, woman who wore wigs and a lot of brightly colored patterned shawls. She’d been around camp for as long as Tony could remember, but it had taken a few years for Tony to understand who or what she was beyond “counselor lady”. It had been really nice talking to her on the phone for the counselor interview (because Tony had had to interview; they couldn’t just show up on day one). She had made Tony feel comfortable and had hardly asked questions- and when she did, she complimented Tony’s answers. It was probably the weirdest and warmest interview Tony had ever had. She’d even been kind enough to ask Tony’s preference on the whole cabin gender situation: if they wanted to be on the girl’s or boy’s side. 

Tony had been entirely prepared for the gender-queer thing to be glazed over. It was comforting, knowing that Tracy actually cared about it. They weren’t sure if that care and acceptance translated up to the Dowlings, but that wasn’t who Tony would be working with most of the time, anyways.

It was least complicated to go with the girls’ side. So when Tony went to the bulletin board on the outside of the mess hall to find their assignment and learn who their co-counselor would be, they went to the girls’ cabin list. Each cabin number had the counselor names listed next to it. Their real names, not their camp names, so that was going to be confusing, considering that Tony had only learned camp names thus far. 

After scanning through the list of Junior cabins and not seeing their name (thank God. Tony wasn’t ready for the little ones.), they moved on to the Middler cabins. They scanned down until they saw “Tony Crowley” listed next to Girls Middler Cabin 4. 

Right next to “Azira Fell”.

Tony stared at the list in shock, trying to process it.

They were co-counselors with Azira.

They were going to be in charge of a bunch of kids with _Azira._

They were going to be living in a cabin with Azira and basically _co-parenting_ eight kids with her, at least for this first three-week session. Cabin assignments could change for future sessions. So it wasn’t necessarily the whole summer. But three weeks? And the _first_ three weeks, to boot? 

Plus training week- shit, training week! They were going to be _alone_ in a cabin with Azira for a _week._

Tony wasn’t sure they were ready for this.

It was exactly then, when the panic was just starting to set in, that Azira popped out of the mess hall doors.

“Oh, Tony! There you are!”

Tony pivoted slowly to look at Azira, hands gripping the straps of the backpack they had re-donned after dinner. They knew their eyes probably looked big and owlish. They wished they had those sunglasses. They thought maybe they should start carrying sunglasses all the time, if they were going to be spending so much time with Azira. Maybe it would prevent future embarrassment. Not much to do about present embarrassment, but to put some effort into controlling their face.

Azira’s beam transformed into something like concern and a hint of shyness. She just had to be perceptive, didn’t she?

“You saw that we are co-counselors?” she asked cautiously.

Tony just nodded.

“I hope that’s okay… I requested it. I thought we would make a good team.” 

“Yeah, no, yeah, definitely, mmhmm,” Tony sputtered, while nodding too much and ruffling their hair nervously. 

“If- I mean- there’s still time to switch, if you would prefer…”

“No!” Tony practically shouted, regretting it immediately. Cringing slightly, they calmed down and brought their voice to a normal level. “I mean, no,” they said carefully. “I’m excited. I think, yeah, you’re right. We’d be a good team.”

Azira smiled softly and Tony wanted to sink into the ground.

“Would you like to go back to the cabin with me?” Azira asked.

Tony nodded because there wasn’t really anything else for it. They needed to actually make their bed and unpack a little. And they were sharing a cabin with Azira, period, so they needed to get a hold of themself and get used to it. 

They’d been cabinmates with Azira before. After that first summer, they were cabinmates every summer, in fact. It was by happenstance that second year, but then they’d started requesting it. How was this any different?

Following Azira down the familiar dirt path to the Middler cabins, Tony tried to center themself by breathing in the fresh mountain air. Their nose filled with dirt and pine and something else that could have been the smell of spring water. Nothing like the smell of salt and algae Tony was used to back in Maryland. No, this place was different, and it was special for that. 

The sun was nearing the horizon, so as they entered the woods surrounding the Middler Line, the light diffused through the trees in that sort of mystical way that can only be seen in nature. It was a comfort to Tony. Nature was probably Tony’s favorite place to be. It felt like a hug and it felt like freedom.

When the sun was completely down, this path would be pitch black, Tony knew. There were no automatic lights with sensors or timers. Only the lights outside each cabin, which had to be flicked on manually. Those would go off at lights out, leaving only the little light emanating in small rings from the two sets of bathrooms at each end of the line of eight cabins. That, and the lighting bugs adorning the trees.

Each of the cabins lined neatly in a row was wooden and rustic. They were very simple rectangular cabins with paneless windows, only bug screens separating the insides of the cabins from the surrounding woods. There was a perpetual dampness to them, but what could anyone expect in a deciduous rainforest? Camp Falling Star got plenty of wet days. 

Some cabins were already quietly occupied, some bits of muted chatter escaping them, some people already exiting with toothbrushes in hand. When Azira opened the door of Cabin 4, Tony tried to remember if they had ever stayed in Cabin 4 before. The Middler years were far behind Tony, but they were also when they’d really started becoming close to Azira, and when they’d really started loving camp. They were important years. Maybe the cabins themselves weren’t the important part, but Tony would search the cabin for any name carvings just in case. Tony always carved their name somewhere in their cabin. They weren’t supposed to, so it had to be covert, but it had become a personal tradition, and if they could find their name…

Azira never would have done something like that. She was a rule follower, she was. At least, that’s what she would say. But Tony knew better. In that special cabin for the oldest campers, the one on the girl’s side of camp, hidden high up on the wall, in a place that can only be reached by doing something stupid, like hanging from the rafters after reaching them from standing on a top bunk, was the neatly scratched name 'Azira Fell', with a little heart above the i and the year 2015 next to it.

Tony wondered if Azira remembered that, too. If she remembered nearly falling, or Tony holding onto her one foot that still had contact with the top bunk while the other stood on a high shelf, her position reminiscent of that of a circus acrobat. If she remembered having no choice but to let go of the rafters and drop straight down to the ground, hoping she landed on her feet. If she remembered almost being too afraid to do it, holding on for too long and needing Tony to talk her through it. If she remembered the luck of it, that she had let go and successfully landed just before the counselors showed up, asking what they were still doing in the cabin and weren’t they supposed to be on kitchen duty? Tony wondered what Azira would do now, if she caught a camper doing something like that.

Tony’s trunk was already at the counselor bed that wasn’t made up. Each side of the cabin had two bunk beds and a single bed, while the middle was a no mans land designated for hanging wet towels and swimsuits on the wooden rods set in a u shape against half walls, like ballet bars, but too weak and splintery to ever serve that role (not that that would stop kids from trying). There were some hooks, too, on that back wall, but they were too high for a ten to twelve year old kid to reach. Being a counselor did have some privileges. Namely, getting to hang items in a special place not reachable by children _and_ getting to not sleep in a bunk bed. 

The hooks and the rods stood empty, now. Azira’s bed, on the other hand, was made up with a fluffy gray and white plaid comforter and lots of pillows and stuffed animals. The wooden shelf next to her bed was stacked with books and journals and what Tony suspected was a box of that ridiculous stationary she always sent Tony letters on. 

Azira immediately plonked down on her bed, retrieving a journal and a pen. Her bed looked inviting. Tony wanted to sit next to her and catch up, instead of having to dig out their sheets and get their own bed made up. But it was getting late, and there was nothing else to do tonight. They had missed all of the important events of the day besides dinner. 

Tony sighed as they got to the cabin floor and undid the metal latches on their trunk. At least being an adult and an experienced camper made them smart enough to pack the sheets and blanket last. It wasn’t actually at all hard to make the bed- the mattresses were thinner than regular mattresses, and the counselor bed not being a bunk bed made it a lot easier to deal with. Once Tony’s very plain bed was adorned with the midnight blue quilt and a very flat pillow that only just managed to fit in Tony’s trunk, Tony flopped down on it, sprawling out and looking at the ceiling. Azira had been quiet the whole time Tony had been messing with the sheets, studiously doing whatever she was doing, and that somehow made Tony shyer. 

Tony had been laying on their bed for a while, studying the cobwebs sticking to the rafters, when they were startled by a soft voice behind them. 

“I always loved those sheets,” Azira said, peeking her head around the post attached to the no man's land towel hanging area. She was behaving much shyer than she had been when she’d greeted Tony.

Tony looked down at their pillow with the faded galaxy print. Tony didn’t think it was anything special, but they’d always liked stars. “Thanks,” they said, even though it hadn’t been a direct compliment. 

They looked up at Azira and waited for her to say something else. There was a slight tension, and it was something Tony couldn’t name, but it was also something they couldn’t ignore. The silence went on just a little too long. But then Azira looked at the floor, and, was Tony imagining it? Or was she blushing?

“Can I sit with you?” Azira asked softly. “On your bed?” she clarified, as if there was anything to clarify. And there was a strangeness to it, because how many times had they sat on each other’s beds? Maybe Azira felt the same thing Tony did: the concern that things could be different, now. 

But Tony said, “Yes,” because of course Azira could sit on their bed. They drew their legs up to make space and readjusted themself into a half sitting half lounging position against their now propped up pillow. Tony felt the bed shift as Azira sat cross-legged at the foot of it and they noticed that she was holding a stuffed animal rabbit with a gold floral ribbon tied around its neck.

“I can’t believe you still have Harry,” Tony said, shaking their head in slight disbelief, but also feeling a smile come on as something like familiarity and fondness filled them up.

Azira chuckled, hugging Harry to her chest. “I couldn’t come to camp without _Harry!”_ she responded, with a big toothy grin.

Maybe some things didn’t change.

“I’m really glad you’re here,” Azira said, with that sincerity that she was known for. That sincerity that Tony loved her for.

“Me too,” Tony replied. 

And it was true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have followed my previous works, you may know that I typically have fairly consistent posting schedules. Most of this fic is, uhh, unwritten, so although I will try to post every Tuesday, there may be hiatuses in posting.
> 
> I can’t resist making a [playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1hBcJ6PARw1VJZGCA2Y3Hi?si=u_W_yxLpRi2vuPMyG3MyNQ), so let’s start it off with James Taylor and Carolina in My Mind. (Moving forward: Millennials: get ready for a nostalgia tour of 00’s teen angst music, Gen Z-ers: I am so sorry.)


	2. Training Week (Mr. Brightside)

**_“You have been my friend. That in itself is a tremendous thing.” -Charlotte’s Web, E.B. White_ **

“Who are _you_?” Warlock Dowling asked Tony.

Tony furrowed their eyebrows at the kid. They didn’t know why Warlock had sought them out. The kid had come right up to Tony in the mess hall after lunch, when everyone was still loitering before the next counselor training session. It didn’t make much sense- Tony wasn’t a funny or exciting counselor. Maybe Warlock thought Tony was boring and should leave. _Don’t let an eleven year old get into your head, Tony._

“I’m Crow. Who are you?”

“You don’t know who I am?” Warlock asked, affronted. “Everyone around here knows who I am.”

Warlock would just sort of be _around_ all summer, being supervised by a nanny, probably, until actually getting to be a camper for the third and final session of camp. Having the kind of attention and status that Warlock got around camp would probably make the best of kids into brats, so Tony tried to give the kid the benefit of the doubt.

“I know who your parents say you are,” Tony replied. “I want to know who _you_ say you are.”

Warlock considered this for a moment, apparently intrigued, little head tilted slightly in thought. “I don’t know yet.”

“Hmm. Well let me know when you find out, will you?”

This was met with some dumbfounded blinking. “I like you,” Warlock said, matter of factly.

Tony couldn’t help but smile a little at that. Maybe working with kids wouldn’t be so bad.

“See you later!” Warlock said, before scampering off.

It took a moment for Tony to recover from that interaction and remember what they were supposed to be doing.

It was already Wednesday, about halfway through training week. It had been several days of general training with the full group of counselors. Things like how to respond to homesickness, what to do if campers got into fights, how to communicate with co-counselors, and strategies for developing a joint vision for your cabin. (They’d had time to meet with their co-counselors to write out a draft of cabin rules and Tony had agreed with everything Azira suggested.) 

At least Tony was pleased with their activity assignment. The Wilderness Nature activity was actually called “WiN” for “Wild in Nature” because, in classic camp fashion, all the activities had to be named with incomprehensible acronyms just so new campers and counselors could be confused. (Tony was able to recognize the stupidity of the name _now_ as an _adult._ And maybe they only recognized how stupid it was after having to explain it to Hastur several times.)

WiN had been Tony’s favorite activity as a camper. To be given actual nets to catch critters in the stream? To be given matches to light fires in the stone fire pit and make s’mores or banana boats or whatever other camp dessert could be made with marshmallows and chocolate? To get to dig around in the forest for mossy branches and sticks to build a natural lean-to, to hike to the camp waterfall or that rock at the very top of that mountain, to learn about which leaves on the hidden camp trails could be plucked and eaten?

Tony had probably signed up for WiN every week as a camper. The activity leaders had probably gotten sick of them, because it meant they kept having to think of new things to do to keep Tony from getting bored, while still doing the things the other kids signed up to do. Tony realized now, in the face of being one of those activity leaders, how annoying that must have been. But at least it meant that Tony had a lot of ideas.

That was what Tony was supposed to be doing after lunch: meeting with the other activity leaders. Specifically, they were meant to be brainstorming for a skit to perform on the first day of camp to explain their activity to the campers so they would know what options they had to sign up for. This whole skit thing meant that Tony had to work with Hastur and Beez (because the whole Prince thing was a bit much, right?) to come up with something somewhat entertaining that explained WiN, and Hastur and Beez weren’t exactly flush with ideas. 

“What did you do last year?” Tony asked Beez, because Beez was a returning counselor, afterall.

Beez shrugged unhelpfully from their spot sitting in the grass and leaning against the big rock WiN met at (‘WiNner’s Rock’). “I don’t remember,” they said, turning a pebble in their hand and looking bored. As far as Tony could tell, ‘bored’ was Beez’s main personality trait.

“How do you not remember?” Tony asked through their teeth. 

Beez shrugged again. “I didn’t plan it.”

Tony grasped at their hair as they started pacing back and forth in frustration.

Tony _wanted_ to like Beez, they really did. Because it was nice having another non-binary person around. But, _God,_ Beez made it hard to like them.

Hastur had wandered away on his hands and knees following a beetle. Tony wanted to strangle both of them.

“Hey losers!” came Anathema’s voice, wafting down from the lodge porch just above them. Tony looked up to see her slide under the porch railing and jump down, her long skirt floating up as she did. She landed surprisingly gracefully.

That was the moment Hastur apparently decided to start participating in the group. “Hey! We’re winners! It’s in the name!” Hastur defended, standing and slinking back over.

“Yeah, whatever,” Anathema said, crossing her arms.

“Shouldn’t you be with your own activity group?” Tony asked, trying not to sound too irritated.

“I’m the only Yoga instructor.” She started studying her black painted nails. “How’s skit planning going?”

“None of your business,” Beez said from the ground.

Tony huffed. “Terrible. Thanks.”

“Hmm,” Anathema responded unhelpfully. “Well don’t mind me. I’ll just be hanging out,” she said, as she strode to WiNner’s rock and draped herself over the top of it like it was a throne.

Somewhat confused and peeved by Anathema’s interruption, Tony tried to shake it off and get the group on task. Their attempts weren’t particularly successful. Anathema casting her judging gaze across the group didn’t help. By the time the group disbanded for dinner, there was still no skit plan.

“Don’t worry! You’ll come up with something lovely!” Azira assured, over her fried catfish drenched in remoulade. “And even if you don’t,” she added at a whisper, “It won’t make a big difference, anyways.” She probably shouldn’t have been encouraging lack of effort, as a Line Head and all, but it was nice of her.

Tony picked at their coleslaw as Azira updated them on her own activity. She was stuck with several CITs, which was a bit odd, because, since Azira had a Line Head planning period, she only taught two of the activity periods. That meant two periods would have only CITs in charge. Tony supposed Mary and Tracy weren’t too worried about paper crafts in the mess hall, though. There was only so much that could go wrong in “Paper Art Lessons” (PALs).

It was obvious to Tony that Azira was… less than thrilled about the situation, but they were fairly certain it wasn’t obvious to anyone else. Mostly, it was the way that Azira talked about it with about half the enthusiasm she talked about most things. And the fact that she mentioned it probably meant she would have to do a lot of heavy lifting on activity planning, which was just ‘wonderful’ with all the other work she had on her plate. (Tony liked it when Azira got sarcastic.) 

Azira sighed softly. “We’re doing a _Frozen_ medley,” she said under her breath, so just Tony could hear. “Which is… well, it will be lovely. You know CITs. Tinkerbell and Skywalker are very excited. _And,”_ she added, lighting up a little, “they have already come up with most of the song lyrics!” 

It was funny that Azira seemed so excited to not be involved in skit planning. She must have not wanted to worry about activity skits when she had more pressing thoughts. One of those pressing thoughts being the Line Meeting after dinner.

Each line had its own lodge, and the counselors for just that line would meet with their Line Heads as a group. It was Azira’s moment of truth.

She fretted and fussed after dinner, worried about her clothes for some inexplicable reason. She ended up settling for khaki pleated shorts with a tucked in polo and argyle knee socks. Tony guessed she thought it looked professional, in a campy sort of way. They certainly weren’t going to say anything to make her feel insecure about it. Not when she’d already dumped about half of her trunk out on the cabin floor.

When Azira was ready, Tony accompanied her to the meeting, carrying the large stack of children’s books from Azira’s shelf for her. Azira had a large roll of duct tape, which she wouldn’t explain to Tony. Tony gave up on asking.

They arrived at the Girls Middler Lodge early. It was entirely empty.

The lodges were picturesque sorts of buildings. They looked like stone cottages, but inside was just one open room. No furniture, just wood floors and a cozy fireplace in the middle of one of the walls. Sometimes, rainy days at camp were the best, because they might get to huddle around a lodge fireplace, and they might even get to make s’mores. Tony had always preferred being outside, but s’mores were a selling point. And as they got older, getting to huddle with Azira in a corner while she delighted in her s’mores became a special thing all in itself. Rainy days were Azira’s _favorite,_ and her excitement was catching. 

In Tony’s memory, those days were all outlined in a glowing yellow warmth, like a holy figure in a Renaissance painting, and Tony sealed up that warmth into a tiny sun and carried it close, tucked it away in a secret compartment in their chest. (Not that they would ever let anyone know that.)

Tonight, the lodge felt a little colder. It was empty and drafty. The couple of bare incandescent bulbs hanging from the ceiling bathed the place in a dim orange light, but were barely winning the battle against the darkness that kept trying to seep into the room from outside.

Azira found a spot in front of the empty fireplace and settled herself into her crazy creek chair, getting straight to burying her nose in her journal that was no doubt filled with extensive notes.1 Tony set the stack of children’s books down next to her and set up their own crazy creek. The funny camp chair was old and worn in, but it still worked, and anyone who’d been to this camp more than one summer knew a crazy creek was the best seating option there was. Easy to carry, comfortable, fun to rock back and forth in. As a camper, Tony had often gotten into trouble for rocking too much and disrupting whatever they were supposed to be sitting quietly for, but that was part of the fun, too. 

Now, Tony just found themself waiting quietly for something to happen. Azira was engrossed in her notes, looking anxious, which was a rare thing. Azira was usually so confident. Tony was the one that was a bundle of nerves any time it came to speaking in front of people, or having to lead, or having to be funny or get people excited. (Oh _God,_ why had they thought it would ever be a good idea to be a _camp counselor?_ All of the fuss and anxiety around spending an entire summer with Azira had prevented Tony from considering the anxiety that they should have been having regarding the very real job that they had _voluntarily_ signed up for.)

As other counselors began filtering in, Azira looked up from her notes and cast out a big smile. To anyone else, she would have looked like her usual bright and happy self. But even after four years, Tony could recognize the slight edge of unease behind that smile. She was nervous.

She directed the counselors to form a circle on the ground as they entered, and it was obvious who the veterans and who the newbies were. Veterans easily slid into crazy creeks and got comfortable, some already working on braiding strings hanging off of their water bottles into complex friendship bracelet patterns. Newbies either sat directly on the ground, not knowing what to do with themselves, or were trying to figure out how to sit in their brand new crazy creeks. 

“Tony,” Azira whispered, as it became clear that most of the counselors had arrived. 

“Mmm,” Tony responded, idly watching a particular newbie fighting with their crazy creek’s adjustable straps.

“Could you actually, um.” She took a deep breath. “Could you sit on the opposite side of the circle? So I can see you? For confidence, you know?”

Tony looked at Azira’s face in surprise. She looked very serious and very pleading.

Tony didn’t really want to go sit on the other side of the circle next to someone they didn’t know. But they were at this camp for Azira, weren’t they? And they weren’t used to seeing her so genuinely nervous.

“Uhh… yeah,” Tony said. They moved to a spot where there was still some empty space directly across from Azira. And then they waited. Other counselors slowly filtered in, and Tony found themself joined on either side by people they didn’t know. There were three people among the sixteen counselors and three CITs that Tony knew from camp, but none of them were people they knew well. Not knowing many people meant Tony had a fresh slate as far as their image went, but it also meant that Tony would actually have to make an effort to make friends. (Tony wanted to have at least _some_ friends, especially if they were going to be at camp for twelve weeks, but being _friendly_ and _outgoing_ wasn’t exactly their strong suit.)

Anathema was the last counselor to arrive. She was late, actually, but Azira had politely waited. Anathema glided into the room in her airy maxi skirt, as if there was no urgency at all and the room wasn’t staring at her, waiting for her to sit down. She paused with a hand on a cocked hip and appraised the room. If everyone wasn’t afraid of her, they might have shared a collective groan.

Seeming to make a decision, she strode straight for _Tony_ , squeezing into the very small not-actually-a-space between Tony and some other counselor. The other counselor dutifully scooted away to make room as Anathema managed to make sitting in a crazy creek look elegant.

With that, Azira cleared her throat, and all eyes were on her. 

“Hello, everyone!” she said perkily, her voice maybe slightly higher pitched than usual. “I’m Azira, but my camp name is ‘Angel’, and I am your Line Head! But you already knew that, of course.”

She flushed slightly, looking down at her notes for a moment, and then seemed to collect herself. She spoke again, her eyes flicking up to Tony before she addressed the group, her voice coming out more normally. “I know we’ve all been starting to get to know each other and all, but I want us all to feel really comfortable together, since we will be living and working closely with one another this summer. It is important that we start addressing each other by camp names, so that we don’t slip up when the campers arrive. Camp names are fun and silly, but they also maintain our privacy. So, let’s go around the circle, and each remind the group of your camp name, share your cabin number, and share a song you can’t help but sing along to when it comes on the radio!”

Tony was really thankful the icebreaker wasn’t ‘share a fun fact about yourself’ because that was always super awkward, and Tony never knew what constituted ‘fun’. Music, Tony could get behind. Taste in music could say a lot about a person.

“I’m Angel, I’m in Cabin 4, A side- Oh, right! Share your side, too, so people know who has the same leave! Ah, and a song I can’t help but sing along to when it comes on the radio is ‘Mr. Brightside’.”

Damn. _That_ was the song Azira chose? Was that even an appropriate song to share? There were 17-year olds in the room!

Tony couldn’t remember what song they said when it was their turn. They thought it was something by Queen. 

Azira got into her stride after the ice breaker made it around the circle. She seemed really pleased that everyone played along, people complimenting each other’s song choices. Tony couldn’t remember what anyone said. They were too busy imagining Azira singing ‘Mr. Brightside’ while speeding down the highway. She probably didn’t speed, though. At least, that’s what she would say.

“Oh, thank you everyone! That was so lovely! I feel like I know you all better now. I am so excited to have you all here!” Azira was her bubbly self again, though a little pink.

“Okay. Now we can really start! Line meetings happen weekly, and they will always be Wednesday evenings. I’m going to run these meetings using the ‘ANCHOR’ method.” She held open her journal to a page that had the acronym written out like an acrostic poem. 

“‘ANCHOR’ stands for ‘Appreciations, News, Concerns, Humor, Observations, and Reading’. Every meeting, we will start with ‘Appreciations’, which we will just do popcorn style, so people can just POP!” she made a gesture with her hands to indicate the act of a kernel of popcorn popping, “in and talk without having to raise hands or anything! This is an opportunity to thank someone in the group or mention something that went well that week so we can start all our meetings with some warm fuzzies!”

Oh _God._ This was the kind of thing Tony might have normally rolled their eyes at. But they absolutely _couldn’t_ roll their eyes.

“I know it’s only been a few days, but does anyone have any appreciations to share today?”

There was a little bit of awkward silence, but Azira held her ground well. A few people spoke up, thanking their co-counselors for their support so far in training week, mentioning the cooks and the wonderful food at camp.

It went on like that, Azira explaining each section of the meeting. ‘News’ was for announcements. ‘Concerns’ was a time to share struggles counselors might be facing with campers or their activities so the group could share advice and brainstorm solutions. (“Remember, if you have a concern that is big, that you feel like can’t wait for Wednesday night, that is what I am here for. I am like your first line of defense when something goes wrong. If I can’t help you, that’s when we get Tracy or Mary involved. I want to assure you that you have a wonderful and robust support network, and you never have to do anything alone!”) ‘Humor’ was a little break in the meeting where people could tell jokes or funny stories.

‘Popcorn style’ conversation wasn’t really within Tony’s comfort zone, and they were thankful that there were outgoing counselors who had a lot of things to say during each of the sections. It wasn’t until they got to the ‘Observations’ part of the meeting, where the group was supposed to take a moment to share things they had noticed in nature in the past week, that the room got quiet, and suddenly no one had anything to say. 

Tony didn’t want to let Azira down, and they didn’t want her to feel like her meeting was floundering, and, what’s more, they actually _did_ have something to say.

So they cleared their throat. 

It seemed like a good idea when they did it, but it resulted in everyone looking at them expectantly, and they could feel their fight or flight instincts kicking in. Rather than have a panic attack in front of everyone, they looked at Azira. She was giving Tony a soft smile and Tony focused on that as they took a deep breath. 

“I, uh,” Tony started. “I noticed the lightning bugs. You know, at night. When you walk the path to the main part of camp at night, the woods are all filled with them.” They gestured sort of awkwardly in the direction of the path. “They’re really pretty, so, you know. I recommend, uh. Going up there. Checking it out,” they finished lamely. Their face felt hot as they finished talking and looked down into their lap.

In a very soft and tender voice, which only made Tony blush harder, Azira said, “Thank you, T- Crow. That was a really lovely observation.” Tony looked up to see her smiling at them. Addressing the group, she said, “Everyone should definitely take some time to notice the lightning bugs, and if you notice other things in nature, take note of them so you can share them with the group next week!”

Instead of moving on to the “Reading” section of the meeting, Azira pulled out her mysterious duct tape and explained that the group was going to play a team building game. The circle disbanded as people began helping her tape a grid onto the floor. Tony stood off to the side, feeling uncomfortable. 

“Crow!” 

Anathema was gliding toward Tony. They looked to both their sides to see if she was actually addressing someone else. “I’m talking to you,” Anathema confirmed as she reached Tony. Tony just blinked at her in confusion. 

“I was wondering if you’d like to be in the Yoga skit,” Anathema said, without any preamble. “I could do a one-woman show, but, you know. I’d rather not.” Tony opened their mouth to say something, but nothing came to mind. “If you help me, I’ll help you with _your_ skit,” Anathema offered.

Words, or well, word, finally reached Tony’s mouth. “Why?”

Anathema shrugged. “Beez and Hastur are clearly idiots, and you are clearly not. So. I thought we could help each other.”

“Oh. Uh. Thanks.”

“So what do you say?”

Tony said, “Sure,” before they realized what they were agreeing to. _Two skits?_ But before they could back out, Azira was ready to start the team building game.

Tony usually thought team building games were pretty stupid, but they didn’t want to be surly around Azira or her ideas. Once the game got going, though, Tony thought it wasn’t actually terrible. Azira was good at this whole leadership thing.

After the game, the circle was reformed, and Azira read an inspirational passage from _Charlotte’s Web_. She then showed the group her pile of books and offered that anyone could borrow one for reading aloud to their campers at night. Tony felt lucky she was their co-counselor. She clearly knew what she was doing.

When the meeting was over, Tony stayed to help her clean up the tape on the floor, and waited as she went through the line of counselors asking individualized questions. 

When Azira was free, Tony collected the books for her again and they began walking towards the cabin together quietly. The steady rhythm of crickets filled the night air as they made their way down the dark line.

“Thank you, Tony,” Azira said after a while. “For speaking up at the end there. For a moment, I thought I was going to crash and burn.”

“Nah,” Tony assured. “You did great. Everyone loves you.”

“That’s sweet of you to say.”

“Nothing sweet about it. It’s just obvious, that's all.”

“Well. Thank you, anyways.”

When they got to the cabin and put away all their things, they sat together on Tony’s bed, which had become their habit each night. Tony lounged on one end of their bed, back against the cabin wall and hands folded behind their head, and Azira perched upright and cross-legged on the other end, facing Tony. Azira may have been a bit stiff, and she may have been only mere inches from Tony, but there was a casual comfort in the way the two of them sat together. It was almost like old times. The familiarity and warmth coursing between them was only _somewhat_ disturbed by the crackling electricity Tony could feel at them being so close. They tried to push that feeling down.

“So,” Tony asked, because they couldn’t help it. “‘Mr. Brightside’?”

Azira blushed furiously, hugging Harry the Rabbit to her chest. “Oh! Do you think that was okay? Appropriate I mean?”

“I mean, I was surprised,” Tony admitted.

“It wasn’t a lie. That _is_ a song I have to stop and sing along to when it comes on the radio. It’s a really good song! I’ll admit, though, that I was a bit _deliberate_ about my choice.”

Tony raised their eyebrows, because they _really_ wanted to know what she meant by _that._

“Well,” Azira said, turning her focus to fiddling with Harry the Rabbit’s ribbon. “I know that I could come off as a bit, mmm, high strung, maybe. And that I could seem, you know, _straight-laced._ So I wanted to choose something that could give me a bit of an edge, you know? So that people know that I can be _cool._ I figured a Taylor Swift song wouldn’t quite do the trick.” 

Tony smiled, because that was probably the most ridiculous thing they had ever heard. They forgot about the disruptive electricity and started only feeling the warmth. 

“I hate that I like Taylor Swift, but I do,” Azira added with a pout.

“You don’t have to be embarrassed of liking Taylor Swift.”

“Yes I do. Don’t try to make me feel better.”

“Well, is it a specific album that you like? Maybe it’s a good one.”

“Tony, I’ve listened to every single Taylor Swift album on repeat,” Azira said flatly.

Tony tried to hold back their laughter. They didn’t know what was funnier: the way that she said it or the fact that she was clearly telling the truth. “There’s nothing wrong with that,” Tony said, hardly keeping the amusement from their voice.

“Yes there is!” Azira cried, looking up at Tony. “You’re laughing at me!”

“I’m not!” Tony said, shaking their head, but failing to conceal their smile.

Azira huffed. “Well, anyways,” she said. “This is exactly why I went with ‘Mr. Brightside’.”

“You know,” Tony said. “Having bad taste in music doesn’t automatically mean you are going to be a bad Line Head,” they teased.

“Who says I have bad taste in music?”

Tony pressed their lips together and raised their eyebrows.

“You’re one to talk! You only listen to old people music!” Azira accused.

“ _What?_ ”

“Did you really go with ‘Bicycle Race’?”

“Hey! I didn’t have a lot of time to think! I was still processing ‘Mr. Brightside’!”

Azira pulled back from teasing. “Do you think it was too much?” she asked with genuine concern.

“No,” Tony assured her, sitting up. “Anyone who knows that song likes it, and people who don’t, well, they won’t know to be shocked by it. Besides, everyone probably already forgot what you said.”

“Great,” Azira said sarcastically.

“Azira,” Tony said. “You’re doing really great.”

Azira sighed in relief. “Thank you, Tony. I don’t know where I’d be without you.”

“You’d be right here, kicking ass, because that’s what you do. I’m just lucky I’m here to see it.”

Azira smiled. “Try not to curse when the campers are here,” she said.

“I’ll try, but I can’t guarantee anything.”

“You’re a terror!” Azira cried, though she was still smiling.

Tony gave a self-satisfied shrug.

Azira shook her head fondly. “I’m going to get ready for bed,” she said. She stood to leave, but then paused to look back at Tony. “Thanks again,” she said softly.

She was giving Tony that soft look again, and it made them lose some of their brain function. But they couldn’t just stare at her like an idiot. They swallowed and responded “Course,” and then Azira left Tony’s side of the cabin and they both got ready for bed and went to sleep, as they had done the whole week.

* * *

The sun was hot and Tony was alone. Left abandoned on an unfamiliar grassy hill surrounded by unfamiliar people. 

Tony glared at the gravel road that the old family van had disappeared down. There were sounds of excited squeals and laughter filling Tony’s ears, but the noise just irritated them. They hadn’t wanted to be left behind.

“Do you want to play?”

Tony turned towards the voice to see a girl with bouncy pigtails holding a frisbee. She was a little shorter and rounder than Tony.

“I don’t have anyone to play with,” the girl added.

Tony considered her. Someone had dressed her very neatly, in a frilly shirt and shorts, but she was already covered in dirt. She was looking at Tony with big, hopeful eyes.

“Okay,” Tony said.

The girl beamed. “I’m Azira, see?” she said, pointing at the oval piece of wood hanging on a string around her neck, her name written in perfect, uniform letters.

“I’m Tony.”

“But your nametag says Antonia!”

Tony looked down at their own nametag. 

“Well it’s wrong,” they said angrily. They pulled off the stupid thing and threw it on the ground. 

“Hey! You can’t do that! You’ll get in trouble.”

“So,” Tony said, crossing their arms and jutting out their lower lip. 

The girl dropped the frisbee and picked up the wooden nametag, already streaked with mud, and tried her best to sweep it clean with her stubby little fingers. “The counselors are really nice,” she said. “I’m sure they’ll let you make a new one.”

“I don’t think they will.”

“Sure they will!”

“What’s the use? I don’t even want to be here. I’m going to run away, once everyone is asleep! That’ll show my stupid parents for trying to get rid of me.”

The girl frowned at Tony and that felt wrong. Frowns didn’t belong on that cherubic face. Frowning and pouting were _Tony’s_ job. 

“I hope you don’t run away,” the girl said. “Because then we can’t be friends. And you were the first one I made.” She jutted out her own lip, then, and made round eyes, like she might cry.

Tony mulled it over, the pros and cons. “Maybe I won’t,” Tony drew out. “Haven’t decided yet.”

The littlest smile creeped onto the girl’s face, then. 

“If I do decide to go,” Tony added, “You can come with me.”

The girl raised her eyebrows, then, and shook her head frantically, pigtails whipping around her face. “I can’t!” she cried. “My brother and sister are here, too, and they would never let me get away. And I would get into so much trouble!”

“You can’t get into trouble if they don’t find you.”

The girl tilted her head to the side. “But I would want them to find me,” she said. “I don’t want to run away _forever_. I’d have to go home sometime.”

“Why?”

“Because I like it at home! My mom and dad and my dog. All my toys are at home and my bicycle. What would we do if we ran away? Live in a tree house?”

“Why not?”

“I think the cabins are more comfortable. Anyways, aren’t you excited for camp? My brother and sister always come back with the most wonderful stories! Don’t you like the cabin? Don’t you want to go swimming and hiking?”

Tony shrugged and looked down at their feet. It felt kind of like getting scolded by a grown up, but it was different. Because this was another kid. This was a kid who could be Tony’s _friend._

“Well, let’s go get you a new nametag. Just in case, okay?”

Tony looked up at her. She looked sad, but hopeful.

“Come on,” she said, holding out her hand to Tony. Tony stared at the hand, dirty and small, for a few long seconds before taking it. 

The same hand, bigger now, a woman’s hand, reached out to Tony. Azira was standing over Tony, in an offer to help them up off the ground. Tony took her hand. ( _When had that hand gotten so soft? And why did holding it make Tony feel so tingly?)_

Tony tried to shake off their absurd reaction to a simple gesture as they only lightly used Azira’s hand for support while they stood up. Tony needed to get a hold of themself. They couldn’t spend all summer acting like a lovesick idiot.

They had just finished a group training session on how Opening Day would go, the day when all the campers arrived. They’d gotten their camper profiles, too: all the information about the campers they might need to know, like their allergies, past issues they’ve had at camp if they were returning, some information about their likes and dislikes. All the stuff that might prepare them to be the best counselors for them. 

They’d also gotten all the camper names. They were now entering some set aside time to make preparations for their individual cabins, like making the wooden nametags for the kids, which was what Azira had suggested they do.

“I was thinking, actually, Azira,” Tony said carefully, still holding Azira’s hand even though they were already standing. “Maybe we can wait on the nametags? Let them make their own?”

Azira furrowed her eyebrows and gave Tony a soft look, one that held sadness and hurt, and Tony knew she was remembering their first meeting. Tony didn’t want pity. “If they want to go by a different name, we can always make them a new one,” Azira suggested gently.

“Yeah, I know,” Tony snapped, the words coming out harsher than necessary. Azira looked a bit taken aback by Tony’s anger; her mouth fell slightly open. Tony hadn’t disagreed with Azira on any of her plans yet. Tony closed their eyes momentarily to draw a deep breath and calm down a little. They looked at Azira. “It’s just embarrassing, that’s all,” Tony said.

Azira looked at Tony with concern for several beats, that soft look of pity on her face again, and then nodded. “Okay,” she said. “We can wait.” She gave Tony’s hand a light squeeze before letting it go.

They spent the next two days preparing the cabin for the arrival of the campers and studying their camper profiles. The cabin was swept and sanitized as much as possible. They made a chore wheel with a couple of paper plates and labeled the towel hanging area by last name so each child had a designated spot (while allowing Tony to stick to their guns about the name thing). They met with Tracy to discuss what she knew about their campers. They did everything possible to prepare- Tony was sure of it, because Azira had a checklist.

Tony knew how the day would go. They’d been through Opening Days before. But their stomach was still filled with butterflies. 

On Sunday night, the night before Opening Day, Tony wasn’t quite sure what to feel. There was the excitement- of seeing camp in its full glory again, full of kids and fun. There was the fear- that the campers wouldn’t like them, that they would do something stupid to ruin some poor kid’s life, that they would be a bad counselor. And then there was the sadness- that Tony’s week alone with Azira was coming to an end. 

This would be the final one of their late night bed talks, because the next night, they would be staying on their own sides to supervise their kids. One of them might be sitting in the middle of the cabin to read the first chapter of a children’s book aloud after all of the kids had been tucked in. (Tony had liked being tucked in as a camper and read to- all that kind affection and attention that Tony always wanted, but was always too shy to ask for. They hadn’t said so to Azira, but that was one of the parts of being a counselor they were looking forward to.) 

“Are you excited?” Azira asked as she sat on Tony’s bed for the final night.

Tony pulled their knees toward themself and nodded. “Nervous, too,” they added softly.

“You’ll be wonderful,” Azira assured Tony gently, shyly. “Thank you for coming,” she added, looking away. “I know it wasn’t your first choice for how to spend your summer.”

“It was my first choice,” Tony corrected with some surprise.

Azira looked at Tony, eyes wide in shock. “Oh! I thought maybe… well, you never wanted to come for those other summers.”

_You never needed me before._

“I guess I missed camp,” Tony said, looking steadfastly at their knees.

“Can I ask you something?” 

Tony looked up at Azira, not having any idea what she could possibly want to know. “Yeah,” they said anyways.

“Just, that we haven’t talked about it, and I, ah, want to make sure I am sensitive to you…”

Tony furrowed their eyebrows at her.

“Well, I was just wondering how you wanted to address…” she gestured at Tony vaguely, and they thought maybe they were picking up what she was getting at.

“What, the gender thing?”

Azira nodded, looking very flushed.

“Oh, it’s no big deal. I’m not planning to hide it or anything. I figured I could tell the kids when we do introductions and go over cabin rules or whatever.”

“Right, right! Of course!”

“Does this… make you uncomfortable?”

“No! No, no, no! I just… I didn’t want to inadvertently... reveal anything... you didn’t want revealed.”

“Oh, well, thanks…” Tony said slowly. “I’m planning to wear my pronoun pin the first few days of camp, so…”

“Oh! Oh, good.” 

“Yep.”

“I should get a pronoun pin! That’s such a lovely idea.”

Tony smiled. “I can give you a link to the website where I got mine.”

“That would be nice,” she said, looking relieved. “I’m sorry… for being awkward about this… I just want to make sure I’m supporting you…”

“It’s okay. Thanks.”

Azira nodded and stood abruptly to go to her side and get ready for bed. 

Yeah, it was awkward. It was an awkward situation to be in, being a counselor for a girl’s cabin on a girl’s line on the girl’s side of camp when Tony didn’t feel like a girl. Maybe Tony wasn’t quite as comfortable and confident as they were trying to project to Azira.

But Tony had already been non-binary as a camper- it’s not something that happens out of no where. It was different as a camper, because, well… campers don’t have to be anybody’s role model. But if back then Tony had seen a counselor that was like them… 

If Tony could make a difference for even just one kid, that would be something. So they certainly weren’t going to let the Dowlings or anybody else intimidate them into not being their authentic self at camp.

Tony tried their best to get to sleep. They had a big day ahead of them.

* * *

1. [Crazy Creek Chair for reference](https://www.utahoutside.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/10/CCFullChair.jpg)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And with this chapter, Mr. Brightside by the Killers has made it onto the Spotify Playlist!
> 
> Posting schedule update: I'm moving to an every _other_ Tuesday posting schedule. Because I am behind on writing and also, in exciting news, I started a new job this week! Which means some less devoted writing time. So don't expect an update next Tuesday, but if I happen post then, won't that just be a happy surprise?
> 
> New update as of 7/13: As it is still in revisions, Chapter 3 will not be going up tomorrow (I’m sorry, y’all, I couldn’t get it together). It is, however, very close! My new plan is to try for Tuesday the 21st.


	3. 1st Session, Part 1 (Cruel Summer)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promised last Tuesday and not only did I miss it, but it was International Non-Binary People's Day!!! I'm so sorry, dear readers! However, I have _such_ wonderful people working with me to make this fic as good as it can be, so another big shout to my beta, TawnyOwl95, and my Sensitivity Reader, ParmeJeanneCheese, for being just completely amazing. It was so worth the extra week to improve this chapter. Additionally, this chapter is extra long, so enjoy 😁. (And Happy Belated International Non-Binary People's Day to all my non-binary readers!)

**_“Isn't it splendid to think of all the things there are to find out about? It just makes me feel glad to be alive--it's such an interesting world.” -Anne of Green Gables, L.M. Montgomery_ **

Tony didn’t mind having to do dish duty when they got to do it with Azira. It was pretty disgusting, having to scrape all the plates before running them through the industrial style dishwasher, but it was just the price of being a Cadet camper. And it was worth it, because they’d never gotten to spend so much one-on-one time with Azira in previous summers. Tony didn’t know how they’d gotten so lucky that Azira was their dish buddy.

Dish duty meant they had to spend hours in the hot kitchen instead of getting to be outside, which should have made it unbearable. But when Tony and Azira were laughing and spraying each other with water, Tony couldn’t have been happier. They thought maybe Azira was their best friend. They hoped they were Azira’s. 

They were extra lucky today, because while there might have usually been six people crammed in the kitchen, there was a camp event going on, so the rest of their usual dish team was on the other side of camp helping set up. Once all the dishes were collected and stacked, Tony and Azira were left completely alone. It was a rare opportunity to talk to Azira without the chance of eavesdroppers.

And there was something Tony wanted, no, _needed_ to talk about. 

It was a something that had lodged itself into their brain, had screamed its presence, but had never managed to bust out of that confined space. But the banging on the walls was getting louder every day and Tony needed some relief. They knew saying it out loud, to _someone_ , one person, would make it real, and then maybe it would sit more quietly. Maybe it wouldn’t demand so much attention. The something would be satiated, at least for a while. 

Who better to tell than Azira? Who better to test the words with, to feel their weight with? There was no one they felt more comfortable with. What a strange thing, friendship- they were so unalike. And yet.

“Can I tell you something?” Tony asked, elbow deep in a sudsy sink, face warm, but not from the steam.

“Of course!” Azira said, her own arms submerged in the twin sink next to Tony’s.

The thing was, Tony didn’t have any idea how Azira would react. They needed to dip their toes in the cold water slowly, gage her feelings, maybe. Give themself a chance to retreat if they needed to.

“It’s personal… and I haven’t told anyone before…”

Azira looked up at Tony seriously. “You can tell me anything,” she assured.

Tony nodded and focused on scrubbing a particularly nasty bit of dried cheese off of the plate they were handling. They were scared. What if this thing changed everything? What if she wasn’t supportive? But they were in too deep, now. They couldn’t not say it. Maybe it wasn’t a toes in the water situation at all. Maybe it was a close-eyed plunge.

They took a steadying breath. “I think,” they started, talking to the dishes. “Well, I don’t _think_ , I _know_ … but anyways, the point is… I’m non-binary.” 

And there it was, hanging stiffly in the air, as Tony braced themself for her response.

“Oh! Well that makes sense,” Azira said simply, turning back to her own dishes.

Tony gaped at her for a few moments, not sure how to respond to _that._ They were in a state of shock, their heart beating out of their throat from the adrenaline of saying what they’d said, their brain spinning in overdrive to try to comprehend Azira’s words. They’d been prepared for stark rejection or overflowing support. They hadn’t known there was a third possibility.

Azira turned back to Tony in a panic. “Oh God! That was the wrong thing to say, wasn’t it?” she cried. “I only meant, what with your style choices…” She took a breath and started again. “I should have said something like ‘I’ll love you no matter what’, right?”

Tony deflated. “Yeah, probably.” They couldn’t decide if she’d been rude or not. And they still couldn’t tell how she felt about it. And what did she mean by ‘style choices’ anyways? Did she not like how they dressed?

“Oh, well… I’m sorry,” Azira said. “I know it must have taken a lot of courage to tell me that,” she added sagely. That felt a little better, at least. “But….” And then a glimmer of mischief shone in her eyes, leaving Tony afraid of what she was going to say next. “Of course I’ll love you no matter what!” she exclaimed, and Tony let out a breath of relief. “If you thought for even a moment that I would love you any less for something as silly as-” 

“It’s not silly.” Tony wasn’t sure where the assertion came from, but it felt too important not to say. 

The mischief left Azira’s eyes and a slight panic entered them again. “I didn’t mean-”

Tony tried to shrug it away, turning back to the dishes. They felt bad about making Azira feel bad. But is _wasn’t_ silly. 

Was it?

There was an awkward silence between them while they both returned their focuses to their sinks.

“I’m honored you told me,” Azira said softly.

Tony didn’t respond for a while, picking at a dish. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Azira said. “Are you planning to tell anyone else?”

Tony shrugged, eyes still on the dishes. They really hadn’t been.

“Are you planning on using different pronouns?”

“Not yet,” Tony responded quickly. “I mean, I’m not ready for people to know, yet. But yeah. Maybe.”

“If we tell just one person, me and that person, we can practice using your new pronouns around you, and you can see how it feels.”

“We?”

“I can help you tell someone else. If you want.”

“You would do that?”

“Of course. How could you think that I wouldn’t?”

Tony shrugged again. They had a bad taste in their mouth, like none of this was how it was supposed to go. It was all tremendously awkward and Tony wished it didn’t have to be. 

“And here I thought you were pretty smart. Aren’t you taking all advanced classes next year?”

Tony gave Azira a tiny smile. It was nice being teased. It was more normal. “Not all…”

“Well I’m just a regular person taking regular classes, so…”

“There’s nothing regular about you,” Tony said, far too quickly and far too sincerely.

Azira giggled. “What is that, a pick-up line?”

“No!” Tony defended, feeling themself flush.

Azira laughed and splashed Tony with sink water, forcing Tony to jump back in revulsion.

“That’s full of nasty food scraps!” Tony shrieked. That only made Azira laugh harder.

“Sooo?” she taunted. 

“ _Sooo,”_ Tony asserted, finishing their explanation by charging forward and splashing her right back with their own nasty sink water.

Thankfully, telling their campers about their gender identity on Opening Day of first session didn’t involve so much water or plates with stuck on food. The kids took it well, just as Tony expected they would. Ten and eleven year olds got it.

Tony had been more worried about having to interact with the parents. They cringed at being misgendered by a few gen Xer parents and boomer grandparents, despite their prominently displayed pronoun pin, but it wasn’t anything they hadn’t particularly expected. The events of the day were _relatively_ painless, if only because Tony knew the parents and grandparents would all be gone soon enough.

It was a relief when Tony and Azira got to sit down with their campers for their first lunch, only a few straggling family members still lingering around the camp grounds, not quite ready to say goodbye to their babies. (Didn’t they know it was better to rip off the bandaid? If a kid saw one of their parents when they left the mess hall, they might run to them wanting to be taken home, and it could jumpstart homesickness. That’s what Tracy had said, anyways. If that reasoning happened to support Tony’s desire to see anyone over 40 who wasn’t associated with the camp get the hell out, so be it.)

At lunch, Tony and Azira each sat at the heads of the table, and that felt weird. There was something familial about it, them sitting like that with a bunch of kids between them. 

Tony couldn’t look directly at Azira across the table. It was too embarrassing, how much this felt like they were coparents, like they were a couple, which they _weren’t._

Tony’s eyes were entirely unshielded, because Azira had quietly chastised them for wearing sunglasses indoors when they’d arrived at the mess hall with their kids following the two of them like little ducks in a row. That meant the sunglasses were currently folded and resting on the table as Tony focused on their veggie burger and watermelon slices. 

Azira was entirely at ease, making bubbly conversation with the campers, just as she had with the counselors at dinner the day they all arrived. Of course she was, how could she not be? All this came naturally to her.

Tony glanced at the kids closest to them because they knew they should be talking to them, trying to get them comfortable. To Tony’s right was a first time camper: Claire, as was written sloppily on her wooden name tag in her own bad handwriting. She had a steadily growing pile of watermelon rinds on her plate, which was already clear of the hamburger she had practically swallowed whole. 

“I love watermelon!” Claire exclaimed to the table, not a hint of shyness and with the delight of a child on Christmas morning, as she reached for yet another slice. That made Tony smile, and reminded them that these were just kids, unencumbered by the inhibitions of adolescence and adulthood. That made it easier to talk to them.

“You know,” Tony said to Claire. “Watermelon is really good for you.”

“It is?” Claire asked, her wide eyes gazing up at Tony over the triangular watermelon slice she had halfway to her mouth.

“Yeah,” Tony confirmed. “Good thing to eat at camp, too, because it’s more hydrating than water.”

“Really?” came a voice to Tony’s left: Lydia, who’d been pretty quiet all day. 

“Yep.”

“How?” Lydia pressed. This one was a little scientist, Tony could tell. 

“There’s all these salts and minerals in there,” Tony said. “It’s kind of like how Gatorade is better to drink than water when you’ve been playing sports.”

“Electrolytes!” Lydia supplied. It was exciting to see her abandon some of her reserve. She’d been cautious since she’d arrived at camp. Even when she’d made her name tag, she had taken her time, writing the letters with a careful precision.

“Yeah! You lose salts when you sweat, and those salts in the Gatorade and the watermelon help replenish them, and they help your body retain water. Does that make sense?”

Lydia nodded enthusiastically, like Tony was her new guru.

Claire looked down at her watermelon slice with a new appreciation, like somehow this information made it magical.

Tony looked up at exactly the wrong moment. Azira was staring directly at them, with the pleased expression of a proud parent.

Tony blushed as Azira leaned forward, her eyes locked on Tony, and waved at the children, like she was preparing to tell them a secret. “Crow is really smart,” she said conspiratorially. “I bet if you pay attention, you’ll learn lots of cool facts.”

All of the kids turned to Tony then, expectant expressions on their faces. Tony was thrown entirely off guard. The full attention of the table was the last thing they wanted.

“Any more interesting facts, Crow?” Azira prompted. She was teasing them and Tony hated her for it. They already felt inadequate as a counselor. 

They scratched the back of their head and looked at the mess hall rafters, trying to grasp for something that might be interesting to a bunch of kids, or that might somehow get them more excited about camp.

Tony got an idea that was probably stupid, but worth a shot. Looking back down at the kids, they asked, “Anyone know what mountains we are in?”

That got the kids excited, a few kids having no idea, but others shouting out either “Appalachians” or “Blue Ridge”. One kid shouted “Rockies”, but Tony let that one go, nodding to the group as a whole. “Yeah, we’re in the Blue Ridge part of the Appalachians,” they said. “Anyone know why this part is called the Blue Ridge?” they asked.

“Because they look blue!” Olivia shouted from across the table, as she stood up in excitement.

Tony chuckled. “Yeah, because they look blue,” they confirmed. “But what’s _really_ cool is that these mountains are _really old._ Any guesses as to how old?”

“Six thousand years old!” Claire ventured. Tony smiled as they shook their head.

“A million years old!” tried Emily, who was across from Olivia.

Lydia was quiet, but looked up at Tony with bated breath.

“Humans have been around for about two hundred thousand years,” Tony started, because they knew these kinds of numbers didn’t mean anything without context. “And these mountains are _250 million years old._ At least, that’s how long it’s been since the mountain building stopped, because they were being formed for hundreds of millions of years before that.” Tony paused, trying to decide if there was anything else to say about it, if there was any way to prove that this was actually a cool fact. “It’s pretty amazing that they are still here, instead of being eroded away,” they said. “They are strong, staying tall for _that long._ That’s like _twelve hundred times_ longer than humans have been around,” Tony finished, with the best air of drama they could muster.

“Woah,” Claire said, other campers nodding in agreement, little faces filled with awe.

“Yep,” Tony said, picking up their burger again and taking a triumphant bite.

“Told you,” Azira whispered to the table, and Tony was right back to blushing. They didn’t say anything else the entire lunch.

* * *

_“Do you want to decorate a letter?_

_Or make an origami swan?”_

They had tried to fit too many syllables into the first line of “Do you want to build a snowman”, but otherwise the PALs _Frozen_ medley was cute. Azira and the CITs she was working with had choreographed a whole dance and they were all dressed in costumes that looked somewhat reminiscent of _Frozen_ characters. It made Tony smile probably more than it should have. The Girls Middler Cabin 4 campers cheered wildly at the end and Tony couldn’t help but throw out a couple of hoots and hollers, too. Azira was positively glowing when she returned to her seat on the gym floor among her and Tony’s campers.

It felt really good, watching all the skits surrounded by the little ducklings. It hadn’t been a full day, but Tony was already growing fond of them. 

Tony could mostly kick back and enjoy the night of performances, because the two skits Tony was in would be the last skits, when everyone was falling asleep anyways, since the activities were presented in alphabetical order (first WiN, and then Yoga). That’s what they told themself, anyways, so that they wouldn’t feel nervous. 

But when Pottery took the stage after PALS, Tony realized they’d already made it through several “P” activities. And the crowd wasn’t looking sleepy. And they started getting anxious. Why weren’t people sleepy? 

When it was time for Tony to get on the stage at one end of the massive barn the camp used as a gym, all of their fears of embarrassing themself came washing over them. They had just narrowly avoided disappointing the ducklings at lunch. Now they had the opportunity to look completely ridiculous in front of the _entire camp_. Nobody would want to sign up for WiN, their campers would wish they had a cooler counselor, the other counselors would make fun of them behind their back.

Tony took a deep breath as they followed Anathema onto the stage. They each had cups they’d slipped from the mess hall. Tony had spent the previous three days learning how to do the cup thing from that stupid a capella movie, _Pitch Perfect_ , because Anathema thought it would make them look cool. They had to admit that she was probably right.

Tony sat cross legged at the front of the stage, Anathema joining them. Hastur and Beez got on the stage behind them, ready to do some horrific interpretive dance. 

Staring at their cup, Tony tried to swallow their stage fright, remember that it was mostly children in the crowd, anyways. Anathema elbowed them and they looked up. She raised her eyebrows. “You ready?” 

Tony shrugged. 

“Mmm. Me neither. Let’s do it.” 

That shouldn’t have been comforting, but it was.

Anathema counted down under her breath, and the two of them started making the rhythm for the song in unison by doing the complicated clapping and cup tapping pattern. 

Luckily, Tony didn’t have to sing alone, and Anathema had a really nice voice and sang loud.

“ _I_ _got my matches and my kindling_ ,

_Two bottles of water for the trail..”_

It was weird, because the barn had been so loud for the other skits- there were a lot of kids in there, and the space had an awful echoing effect- but, somehow, the room fell silent for their song. Tony felt a sort of electricity going through them, knowing that the song was actually going pretty well. It was helpful that they knew people were probably mostly looking at Beez and Hastur doing bad cartwheels behind them.

“... _We got campfires, we got rivers,_

 _we got nets to catch some critters…_ ”

Tony felt relieved, but also a little proud when the song was done. The room burst into applause. They didn’t look into the crowd. They couldn’t get comfortable- there was still another skit.

The Yoga skit didn’t involve any singing, thankfully, because Tony’s meager courage probably couldn’t have managed singing twice. No singing, but with Hastur and Beez gone, it was just the two of them. They wore costumes, too: Anathema’s brilliant idea was for them to play Peter Pan and Captain Hook, so Anathema had a pirate coat and hat and Tony had managed to find some green clothes and wore the Peter Pan hat Anathema had. 

The skit started with Anathem sitting cross-legged on a Yoga mat in the middle to the stage. 

“Aha! Hook, you can’t hide from me: Peter Pan!” Tony brandished the stick they were using as a sword as they ran onto the stage to begin the scene.

“Pan! Join me.”

“What?”

“You don’t need to fight me. My pirating ways are done. I have found peace in the practice of Yoga.” Anathema’s prayer hands with her hook made of construction paper were met with raucous laughter.

“What’s Yoga?” Tony as Pan asked, sitting down next to Anathema. Anathema as Hook then explained Yoga, insisting that Pan learn with him. 

And then Tony did yoga poses on stage in front of the entire camp. It was probably the most mortifying thing Tony had ever done. 

But then it was over and Peter Pan exclaimed how relaxing and fun Yoga was and declared that he wanted to embark on another Yoga adventure with Captain Hook tomorrow.

Tony and Anathema bowed and were met with applause. Tony braced themself for ridicule as they exited the stage. But as they made their way to Azira and the ducklings, several counselors gave Tony a thumbs up or slapped them on the shoulder as they passed. They were happily surprised by the praise. 

The ducklings were on their feet and jumping on Tony when they met them.

“Crow!”

“That was amazing!”

“Can I wear your hat?!”

Tony bowed their head so Emily could take the hat, because both their arms were being clung to and tugged by other children. 

“Let’s give Crow some space, Cabin 4,” Azira said sternly, gently pulling one of the kids off of Tony.

Tony laughed. “It’s okay! Let’s head back to the cabin, yeah?” they suggested, corralling the group out of the barn as best they could.

“You were great,” Azira whispered, as she joined Tony briefly, the group exiting the barn and beginning the walk up the gravel drive towards main camp. “I’ll fall back and make sure we don’t lose anyone.” 

Tony didn’t have enough time to respond, but Azira’s compliment combined with the energy of the kids made them feel on top of the world. Against all of Tony’s expectations, and despite the series of increasingly perilous social situations Tony had found themself in, the day had gone really well. It was a promising start and they were filled with hope- that they would be a good counselor, that this summer would be fun.

They lead the pack with a kid on their back, trying to keep up with the enthusiastic shouting by the kids surrounding them. They were having to squint at the setting sun because a kid had stolen their sunglasses.

“I wanna do a skit!” one kid cried.

“I liked the Moana one the best!” shouted Emily.

“When do _we_ get to wear costumes?” another kid asked.

“Well,” Tony said. “What would the esteemed members of Cabin 4 think about wearing costumes to breakfast tomorrow?” The question was met by cheers.

“Can you teach me how to do that thing with the cup at breakfast?” one kid tugged on Tony’s sleeve to ask.

“Maybe. If you finish your breakfast in the morning,” they said, with a little sly wink.

By the time they made it to the cabin, Tony’s back was sore, and they were grateful they could finally put the kid they’d been carrying down. “I’m not doing that again,” they muttered to Azira at the cabin doorway, as the kids rushed in to their trunks to fish out and show off the costumes they had brought.

Azira giggled. “I should have warned you,” she whispered back. “Good thinking on the costumes,” she added. “They love you already.”

Tony hoped it was true.

* * *

A subset of Tony’s campers signed up for WiN during the first activity week: Lydia, Claire, and Olivia. Tony wasn’t sure why they’d signed up. Maybe they wanted to spend time with Tony; maybe they really did like them. But probably not. They probably just thought they would get to have s’mores every day. 

A couple of kids protested during the very first day of activities when Tony told them they would _not_ be having s’mores, but rather, hiking into the woods where they could practice making natural lean-tos. Maybe it was bold, not doing the fan favorite on Day 1, but Tony thought maybe they could actually get these kids excited about nature. Or at least they could get them to think WiN was fun. Splitting the group into teams and having them compete to build the best shelter, and then having them do real-estate pitches for Tony and the other team when they were done seemed to work. 

It was the third activity period, the last one Tony taught before their break and dinner, that Tony had with their own campers. Three from their cabin, which was a lot considering only eight kids had signed up for the activity period. (WiN had never been a popular activity, like rock climbing or archery, which always filled up at around twenty kids.) 

Lydia was the only one of the three that seemed interested in learning wilderness survival skills. Claire seemed mostly interested in asking Tony personal questions.

“What’s your real name?” Claire asked as the group walked down a wooded trail back to main camp at the end of the activity period, Hastur bringing up the rear. 

“Nice try,” Tony said.

“Oh, _come on!_ I just want to find you on Insta!”

Tony looked down at the girl walking next to them. “Do you have a cell phone at camp?” Tony tried to ask casually, knowing they would have to confiscate it if she did.

“No!” she said in horror. “I mean for after camp!”

“Why are you worried about that? We just got to camp,” Tony pointed out.

“I just want to learn more about you! Because you are so cool!”

Tony smiled a little, because they thought they were very _uncool,_ but maybe ten-year-olds were easy to impress. “Thank you,” they responded, before redirecting their attention to the plants along the trail, scanning the forest floor for anything interesting to show the kids.

“Do you have a boyfriend? Or a girlfriend? Or, well, you know, are you dating anyone?”

That snapped Tony’s attention, and they were back to looking at Claire, studying her suspiciously. “Why do you want to know that?”

Claire sighed dramatically. “I want to know what love feels like!”

In their confusion and shock, Tony tripped over a root and fell, landing on their hands and knees. They could feel the mud dampening the denim of their shorts where the cuffs just reached their knees. They flinched slightly, knowing they would have to rinse the mud out later. 

“Crow!”

“Are you okay?!”

Tony held up a hand quietly to signal for everyone to stop, and the kids quieted down. Tony had conveniently stumbled on something cool, so as the kids caught up and crowded around them, they plucked a heart shaped leaf from the ground. They casually pivoted into a position sitting on the ground, as if that had always been their intention. They thought they might as well embrace the mud at this point. The kids didn’t care, quickly plopping down around them.

“This is wild ginger,” they said, holding the leaf out for the kids to see. “It’s not really ginger, but it's a native plant that smells and tastes like it.” Tony rubbed the leaf between their fingers, breaking down the leaf slightly to let it become more aromatic. “Pass it around and give it a smell,” Tony said, handing the leaf to Lydia first, who was eager to take it. 

“Can you eat it?” an excited boy said from the back of the group.

“Yeah, but there aren’t a lot of leaves here, so let’s just smell for now,” Tony said. 

The kid groaned loudly. 

“We’ll find more edible leaves that you can try. But we always have to be aware of how much we are taking, yeah?”

The kid pouted, but nodded in understanding.

As Tony got back up and began leading the group the rest of the way down the trail, they wondered if Azira remembered the wild ginger. If she’d still be able to spot it. She had never been very into WiN as a camper- she’d always preferred things like weaving, or pottery, or any of the arts and crafts activities. But when they had been Cadet campers, Tony would occasionally take her on the trails when they had some free time, and they would show her some of their favorite plants. She’d _seemed_ interested, and, anyways, she was really cute, nibbling on a leaf, eyes widening in surprise when it didn’t taste awful.

Tony wasn’t sure when their feelings tipped over from deep friendship into something romantic. It was a blurry line, and, back then, Tony had only just started getting ahold of their hormones. It wasn’t a question, anymore. It was deeply seated, and Tony wasn’t quite sure what to do about it, except wonder quietly if it was even remotely possible that their feelings could be returned.

“You should ask Angel about love!” Olivia's voice drew Tony out of their reverie. The group had exited the woods to that main hill at camp, Star Hill. “Look!” Olivia added to Claire, pointing down the hill.

Azira was sitting on the bank of the creek just below Star Hill, her feet dangling in the water, her shoulder pressing against Newt’s. The two of them were clearly laughing at something, and they were looking very intimate, both their sets of hands on a half-made basket in Azira’s lap. Newt taught weaving (or WoW for “Wonders of Weaving”), which included underwater basket weaving, and Azira must have used her free period to participate in the activity. Tony tried to ignore the pang of jealousy throbbing in their chest. 

A bell rang to signal the period ending and Tony was reminded of the kids, most of whom had already started dispersing. Claire squealed in excitement and she and Olivia began running down the hill to the creek. 

“Walk!” Tony called after them, because even if they had always thought the whole ‘no running’ was a stupid rule as a camper, they knew that as a counselor, they were supposed to at least attempt to stop the kids from faceplanting on their way down. The kids slowed to a jog, so at least they were responding somewhat. Tony shook their head and turned away from the creek. They couldn’t keep watching Azira. It was too painful. 

Lydia was the only camper still hanging around, but she was consumed in a conversation with Hastur about insects. Tony wasn’t quite sure what to do with themself- all the kids had run away without saying anything, and Tony felt suddenly alone. Not wanting to deal with any unnecessary social anxiety, they didn’t bother grabbing the day’s midafternoon snack before heading back to their cabin for their free period. 

The periods were about 45 minutes long, which was a nice break, but instead of enjoying the accomplishment of having finished teaching activities for the day, Tony found themself spending way too much time moping in one of the outdoor wooden showers. As they stood under the low pressure spout, letting lukewarm water wash over them, they tried to purge the image of Azira with Newt from their brain. 

It didn’t necessarily mean anything, right? Azira was a peppy, smiley person, and she was touchy feely with a lot of people, right? 

What did it matter, anyways? It wasn’t as if she would ever be with Tony. How could she, when Tony would probably never have the courage to tell her how they felt?

Tony pressed their hands against the damp wood in front of them, hanging their head and letting the water roll down their back. 

Sometimes, Tony hated how shy they were. 

They hated how hard it was to form words to describe how they felt. They hated how uncomfortable they were when those words came out, how worried they were about people’s reactions. 

Staying quiet felt safer. They could use a shield of feigned disinterest and never have to let those more vulnerable feelings out.

Tony finally turned off the water, feeling guilty for wasting so much. 

The Newt and Azira thing was _probably_ nothing. Everything between Azira and Tony would _probably_ stay exactly the same the whole summer. And that was what Tony wanted. Right?

Tony sighed as they pulled their towel down from where it was slung over the side of the shower.

What Tony really wanted was to ride off into the sunset with Azira, but the fear of rejection was stronger than any fantasies Tony could conjure to try to convince themself to confess.

With damp hair and clean clothes pulled on, Tony found themself alone in their cabin, not sure what to do for the remainder of their break. There was a staff lounge behind the mess hall where a lot of people went, but the idea of trying to insert themself into a room of socializing people was less than appealing.

Sprawling on the bed and looking at the rafters, Tony tried to ground themself. Tony had _not_ come to camp to pine after Azira. Yes, Azira’s plea for help was what got them to fill out the application. But it wasn’t the whole story. It was simply the final straw on the big stack already weighing down the camel’s back.

Tony _had_ missed camp. Growing up, camp had been everything. Three solid weeks where Tony could totally be themself, with friends who didn’t mind. It didn’t matter that they never wore dresses or make-up, because at camp, none of that was important. There weren’t the rigid structures of school, there was the freedom to run and splash, to search for bugs instead of sitting still. Wanting to learn everything about the edible plant in the woods didn’t make Tony weird or an outcast. They were just another camper, like everyone else, excited about their favorite activity and trying their best to have wild adventures without getting in trouble with their counselors. 

Camp was probably the number one reason Tony had decided to study ecosystem science in school. That, and growing up on the Chesapeake Bay tended to have an impact.

Maybe Tony had started to feel lost in the crowd at Towson. It was a big school, and Baltimore was a big city. It wasn’t too far from their tiny hometown of Easton- that was a perk. Tony wasn’t brave enough to get too far from home. But it was far enough to give Tony a chance to form their own identity. They just weren’t sure what the identity they were trying to form was, yet.

They’d been floundering for semesters, filled with doubt and uncertainty about who they were and what stable points of contact they should hold onto to keep from washing downstream. It wasn’t that they were struggling in school- they were an Honors College student, and class was the one place where things made sense. It was everything else that came with living on your own for the first time and trying to find your way in the world.

They were in over their head. It was like they had missed some pre-college crash course where everyone else had made friends and learned how to be an adult. Was there some secret manual full of all the answers everyone else seemed to have? They’d thought they’d at least known what they were doing academically, but what should have been a great internship last summer was a bust, so maybe they didn’t know anything at all. 

What were they going to do when they graduated? Who were they going to be? It had been two years, and they still hadn’t figured it out.

Maybe coming back to camp, reconnecting with who they were back then, would help them figure it out.

* * *

“It’s Friday!” Mary’s voice rang through the mess hall as campers and counselors paused from eating lunch to listen to her announcement. “You know what that means?” She was at the front of the room, full of energy, and she turned her microphone out for the room to be met with a chorus of _“Friday Funday!!!”_

Tony watched their campers instead of Mary, delighted to see their reactions of confusion and excitement. Over half of Tony and Azira’s campers were first-time campers: they didn’t know about Friday Fundays!

“Instead of going to your regular activities after lunch,” Mary announced. “The _whole camp_ will be meeting down at the big sports field by the barn gym for- drumroll please?” The mess hall erupted into a cacophony of hands slamming on tables until Mary dramatically put a hand out to stop it. When the room was quiet again, she paused for effect, before shouting into the microphone “ _CAMP CARNIVAAAAL!!!”_

The sounds of cheers and stomping echoed off the walls, and Tony couldn’t help but laugh at the wild enthusiasm that filled the room.

“Face painting! Cotton candy! _In-flat-ables!_ But that’s not all, folks. Before you head to the carnival, see what you can find to give your outfit some country flair, because we have a special competition this year, borrowed from our neighbor state of South Carolina. To explain it, here’s the Dynamite Duo that not only came up with the idea, but will be leading it for you: Gabriel and Michael!”

The two counselors stepped into the limelight, taking the microphone from Mary. Tony felt a little uneasy and glanced back at Azira. She seemed unmoved. They returned their attention to the Dynamite Duo. 

“Who here loves eating grits in the morning?” Gabriel asked the crowd. Cheers ensued. “Who loves grits so much, they wouldn’t mind _swimming in them?”_ The cheers doubled.

The cheers died down as Hype Man Gabriel turned the microphone over to his sister. 

“Today’s Country Camp Carnival will feature a Grit Pit Competition!” Michael announced. “As we speak, there is a large kiddy pool down at the sports field being filled with grits. There is also a scale. Each competitor will step on the scale for us to take down an initial weight, and then they will have 10 seconds to get into the pool and trap as much grits on their body as possible. When the 10 seconds are up, they will be weighed again. The winner is the person who gains the most weight in grits!” 

The mess hall went wild, but Tony turned back to get a look at Azira’s expression across the table. They knew she probably wouldn’t be happy that the leaders of this thing were Gabriel and Michael, but there were no signs of distress on her face. She was the picture perfect example of a happy counselor.

Back in the cabin, as the campers overturned their trunks looking for things to give themselves some “Country” flair, Tony pulled out their one red bandana and tied it around their neck. They didn’t have much to work with- they probably should have come to camp more prepared. Their snake print shirt might have worked, but it was dirty. They didn’t own any plaid, because, really, plaid was _not_ stylish. They figured they couldn’t go wrong with black, so they switched from their bird patterned button down to a plain black one.

As the campers ran out the cabin door in their flannels and cowboy hats, Tony paused to wait for Azira. When she joined them at the cabin entrance, they were wholly unprepared.

While Azira _usually_ looked like she had just walked off the set of _The Parent Trap,_ with her polos and pleated shorts, _now_ she looked like she had just stepped out of a Country music video for a song about Honky-Tonks and Daisy Dukes. Tony didn’t think they had ever seen her wear denim, but there she was, in high waisted jean shorts that revealed much more of her thighs than she usually showed. 

Oh God, she had great legs. Tony noticed for the first time that they were unshaven. That shouldn’t have mattered. It wasn’t as if Tony shaved. But how had Tony not noticed? Did she shave when they were teenagers? Tony couldn’t remember. Why did seeing that blonde fluff trailing all the way to her Keds, where she wore anklets instead of her usual ridiculous knee socks, suddenly make Tony feel so light headed?

And then there was the shirt. Tony immediately took back everything they had ever thought about plaid. Azira could pull it off. It was a regular plaid flannel, nothing special, honestly. Except that she had the sleeves neatly rolled to a three quarter length and she had the ends of the shirt tied in a knot so that it fit more like a crop top, resting just along the top of her shorts. Tony knew that if she moved in exactly the right way, her midriff would show. Tony thought they might have a heart attack if it did.

“What?” Azira asked, and Tony realized they were staring. She looked down at her clothes self consciously and started tugging at her shirt and shorts. “Oh God, is it okay?

“Ggggah,” was all that managed to escape Tony’s mouth. The kids were all outside waiting for the two of them to come out, and Tony was paralyzed at the door frame. 

Azira looked up at Tony in horror. “It looks terrible, doesn’t it?”

“No! No, no, no!” Tony cried, finally finding their voice. “Good! Really, really good!” 

“Should I change?”

“Kids are waiting,” Tony croaked.

“Right.” Azira looked down as she fiddled nervously with one of her braids. Tony held the door open for her, and she walked ahead, blushing. 

Tony tried to pull themself together before they followed her. This was fine. This was _totally_ fine! Tony let the door of the cabin swing shut and donned their sunglasses as they joined the group of bouncing ten year olds.

They stayed several paces behind Azira, needing time to get over her outfit before they could talk to her like a normal person. They let Lydia talk their ear off about archery most of the way down to the field. It was a welcome distraction from Azira’s legs. They tried to focus on the kids and what they needed instead of their own ridiculous feelings.

The sports field was already packed when they got there, with kids in line for the bouncy house and inflatable slide, the cotton candy, the face-painting. All the ducklings, even Lydia, ran ahead into the carnival as soon as they saw it, leaving both Tony and Azira in the dust.

“Guess they don’t need us,” Tony said.

Azira turned to look at Tony, hands fiddling with the ends of the knot in her flannel. “Guess not.”

“What do we do now?” Tony rubbed the back of their neck uncertainly.

Azira gave a small smile and clasped her hands in front of herself. “Enjoy the carnival?”

Tony looked out at the field, scanning it to see where all their kids had gone. There was a group hula hooping, another crowding around the Grit Pit at the far end of the field to try to get a good look, a pair in line for face painting. They all seemed occupied and happy. 

“They’ll be fine,” Azira assured.

Tony nodded, even though it felt wrong. What if one of them got left behind by the other campers and felt lonely? What if one of them fell and got hurt? What if one of them wasn’t having fun?

Azira held her hand out. “Come on,” she said gently. “Let’s get in line for cotton candy.”

Tony nodded again and took her hand. It was odd, how quickly Tony had grown to feel so protective of these kids. 

Tony fell into step with Azira and she entwined their fingers, squeezing Tony’s hand lightly. Oh God, _what was happening?_ They walked to the cotton candy line hand-in-hand and Tony tried to keep their breathing normal. This was fine, this was _fine._ Tony’s hand flexed nervously. Azira dropped it unceremoniously.

“Sorry,” she muttered. 

Tony kicked themself for the hand flex. They glanced at Azira and saw that she was looking away. Feeling their heart beating out of their chest, they took a chance and swept their knuckles against her’s, silently communicating that it was okay. _More_ than okay, actually.

She smiled, but clasped her hands in front of herself again. Tony shoved their hands in their pockets, feeling very weird.

“What do you think about the Grit Pit?” Azira asked as way of changing the subject.

Tony knew she wasn’t really asking about the Grit Pit. She was asking about Dynamite Duo Michael and Gabriel. That was a _dangerous_ subject. Tony tried to think carefully about a suitable answer. 

They didn’t have to respond, though, because Gabriel himself came jogging up out of nowhere, throwing them both off guard. 

“Heya, sis!” Gabriel exclaimed, clapping his hand so hard on Azira’s shoulder that it made a sound. “How’s all that Line Head responsibility going?”

Azira’s smile was strained. “Very well, thank you.”

“That’s what I like to hear! Can’t have you sullying the good name of this family. Michael and I worked hard to become the Dynamite Duo.”

“Of course.”

“What do you think of the carnival, huh? Our Cadets are doing pretty well running this thing, aren’t they? They’re like little soldiers. Michael and I are putting them through boot camp.”

“They’re kids,” Azira said, somewhat shocked.

“They’re sixteen,” Gabriel said, as if correcting her.

“Exactly.”

Gabriel gave her shoulder a squeeze. “You are going to compete in the Grit Pit Competition, aren’t you? It’d be embarrassing if our own little sister didn’t play along.”

“I haven’t decided yet.”

Gabriel laughed. “You always were a spunky one, little sis,” Gabriel said, nudging her chin with his fist. “Well, I’d better go. That competition isn’t going to run itself!” He turned and jogged away.

“I swear they decided to do this competition just to torture me,” Azira said under her breath. “They know I hate grits.”

“That might not be why-”

“It is. I always hated grits growing up and they always made fun of me for it. Said I must have gotten switched at the hospital when I was born, because how could a member of such a Southern family not like grits? But it’s just a texture thing!” 

“I don’t really like grits either,” Tony said, as if that might be a comfort. 

“You aren’t from North Carolina. And you didn’t grow up with _them_.”

Tony was never sure how to handle Azira’s tension with her siblings. She always seemed to take everything they did too harshly and she, well, had a bit of an inferiority complex. 

Not that she didn’t have reason to. It couldn’t have been easy to have older siblings who taught the most popular activities (archery and rock climbing) and had the highest ranking counselor position outside of Line Head. Cadet campers were just a year away from being Counselors in Training, plus they helped with camp programming and all kinds of things around camp, so it was a special honor to be in charge of them, and, as their counselors, Gabriel and Michael got the glory of getting to put on camp events, like this one. And they didn’t have a Line Head to report to. And this was their third year doing it.

The Grit Pit competition was starting, if the increase of cheers was anything to go by. Michael’s voice crackled through the outdoor speakers set up around the field. “Grits are a beloved staple of the South. Delicious and versatile, this food is intrinsically linked with what it means to be a Southerner. Which is why we are honoring them with this competition. And so I ask: what counselor is brave enough, nay, noble enough, to start it off?” 

Okay, maybe Azira was right about them targeting her.

“That’s it,” Azira said, grabbing Tony’s wrist and pulling them along as she stomped her way to the Grit Pit Competition area. Tony didn’t bother to remind her they still hadn’t gotten their cotton candy. 

She raised her hand as they approached. “I’ll go first!” 

She took off her glasses and handed them to Tony brusquely. The ducklings went wild. She was ushered onto the scale, and then onto the step next to the Grit Pit. 

Holy shit, Azira was getting ready to roll around in a kiddy pool full of grits. She was already dressed like _that_ and she was going to roll around in a kiddy pool full of grits. Tony didn’t have enough time to mentally prepare!

When she was counted in, she threw herself into the pool, submerging herself fully and scooping grits into her shirt with a righteous fury.

Holy shit, holy shit, this was going to be Tony’s death. A stroke in the middle of the Camp Falling Star sports field caused by the knowledge that Azira’s cleavage was dripping in grits.

When the 10 seconds were up, a grit coated Azira stood and carefully stepped out of the pool to be weighed and then hosed down.

Azira was soaking wet for the rest of the carnival. Her wet shirt clung far too much to her body. She still had little bits of grits in her braids, and probably in other places Tony didn’t dare look at. 

They went back for cotton candy, and they each ate it silently. Azira was too stubborn to shiver. Tony was in catatonic shock.

When the competition was over, Azira was announced the winner for the counselors by Gabriel, with a sort of lukewarm enthusiasm. 

She actually won. With having gained _sixteen pounds_ of grits. 

She was ushered to the front of the field. She was applauded and given a cardboard medal, which got water damage almost as soon as it was put around her neck. People crowded around her to congratulate her, and Tony badly wanted to hug her. Because she had beaten her brother and sister at their own game, and she deserved to feel good. 

But there were so many people trying to get to her. And Newt reached her before Tony. And Newt gave her a long tight hug, and she giggled happily. 

And Tony’s heart fell into their stomach.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did we have a Grit Pit competition at the camp I worked at? Yes. Did most if not all of my campers do it? YES. Did they regret that decision and then refuse to eat grits for the remainder of camp? Also yes 😂 If you are fascinated or shocked or confused, please enjoy [this video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B7ydniBBvZo) about the competition at the World Grits Festival held in South Carolina.
> 
> I _know_ I said 00’s teen angst music, _but_ what I didn’t say is that I’m also sprinkling in some Taylor in honor of our local Swiftie, Azira Fell! This chapter’s song is "Cruel Summer" by Taylor Swift.


	4. 1st Session, Part 2 (I’m Not Okay (I Promise))

**_“Nothing in life is easy. But that's no reason to give up. you'll be surprised what you can accomplish if you set your mind to it.”- Holes, Louis Sachar_ **

The thing about sleepaway camp was, well, the counselors were on the clock pretty much 24/7, except when they had their one activity period off as their daily break, and when they had leave- the time when they could actually leave camp, explore the nearby town of Brevard, maybe. They got one day off a week- which offered chances to eat out for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and time for shenanigans with other counselors before they returned to their cabins for the night.

Tony and Azira would never have leave together, at least not as long as they were co-counselors, because there always had to be a counselor in the cabin with the kids. There was Session Break- the period between sets of campers- and then maybe they could hang out, but that was two weeks away. That left Tony having to find someone else to spend this one with, if they didn't want to wander Brevard alone. 

Tony spent their first leave day with Anathema. Yeah, they hadn’t succeeded in making any other friends. And maybe her casual bluntness had grown on them (even if it was also intimidating). They got coffee in a little place in town.

Tony tapped their fingers restlessly on the table as they sat across from Anathema in silence, two mugs of coffee between them. They were at a cozy window seat, sun streaming in cheerfully, in stark opposition to Tony’s feeling of unease. At least they could hide behind their sunglasses. 

Tony wanted to ask Anathema her opinion on the Azira/Newt situation, but they didn’t know her that well. Probably not a great way to start off a friendship, bringing up their super embarrassing personal problems. And since they didn’t have many other leads on the friend front, they didn’t want to blow it. Anathema seemed comfortable in the silence, not attempting to make conversation. If they were better friends, the lack of pressure to talk would have been welcome. As it was…

“Nice to be somewhere that doesn’t smell like grits, right?” Tony offered meekly. The aftermath of the Camp Carnival involved a lot of children leaving trails of grits all over camp. That might have been okay if the camp chef hadn’t enthusiastically contributed the leftover breakfast grits to the kiddy pool. The trees around the cabins were all dripping with grits covered clothes and swimsuits because no one could stand the stench of several day old milk in their cabins. Laundry day couldn’t come soon enough. 

“Mmm,” Anathema nodded. “Gabriel and Michael are idiots.”

Tony snorted. Azira certainly would have liked to hear her say that.

“Am I wrong?” Anathema asked, as if she was certain she wasn’t. 

“In fairness... Chef Lesley...”

Anathema picked up her coffee mug. “Should a grown man in his, say, forties, have known not to add day old grits into a kiddy pool that most of the camp would be submerging in? Yes, probably.” She took a sip. “But I like Chef Lesley, and I don’t like Gabriel and Michael. Plus, the whole thing was their stupid idea in the first place.”

“Azira- Angel- thinks they did it to make her mad. Because she doesn’t like grits.”

“Oof. I wouldn’t put it past those two. I’m not best friends with my brother, but at least he isn’t  _ them.” _

“Yeah.” Tony leaned back into their chair. “I was always jealous of people with siblings. But the way Azira talks about Jon and Doon… well, maybe I lucked out.”

“Jon and Doon?” Anathema said the names slowly, like they were alien on her tongue. “Oh! Those are their real names. You knew them before, right? Because you and Angel were childhood friends.”

“Yeah. We all went to camp together.”

“Wow.” She raised her eyebrows in appreciation as she placed her mug down on the table. “What was  _ that  _ like?”

Tony shrugged. “They kept to themselves, mostly. They’re a few years older than Azira. And they were always sort of their own club without her. Twins are like that, I guess.”

“Mmm,” Anathema responded thoughtfully.

They both drank their coffee and the silence wasn’t so uncomfortable anymore. Anathema wasn’t so scary, really. She wasn’t  _ warm  _ exactly, but Tony got the impression that if she didn’t like them, they would know.

“How did the boy end up with a name as normal as ‘Jon’ while the girls ended up with ‘Doon’ and ‘Azira’?” she asked suddenly, slamming her mug down, like it was a sin against humanity. “What, women don’t have it hard enough in this society?”

Tony laughed. “I think Jon is a family name. And I don’t think  _ ‘Azira’ _ is so bad.”

“No.  _ You  _ wouldn’t.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Tony asked, sitting forward.

“I mean, you met her when you were pretty young, right? So you wouldn’t have known what names were weird.”

“I don’t know. I was pretty aware that my name was horrible.”

Anathema tilted her head curiously. “I like ‘Tony’. It’s ‘Tony’, right?”

“Yeah. No, I like it, too.” Tony looked into their coffee mug and took a long sip before explaining. “I meant my old name.” 

“Oh. Right.” Anathema left it at that, not making a big deal about apologizing or anything, and that was nice.

“Anyways. Azira… she wears it well.” Tony wrapped both hands around their mug. “Her name, I mean.” They smiled, despite themself. “It’s unique. Like her.”

“Uh huh,” Anathema said skeptically.

Tony blushed. Was that a sappy thing to say? Tony looked up at her. “What’s  _ your _ real name?” they tried defensively, hoping they could plow past the awkwardness.

“Ana,” she said simply.

“Ana?”

“Yeah.”

Tony blinked at her a few times from behind their sunglasses. “Your real name is ‘ _ Ana’ _ and you judged me for going with ‘Crow’?”

“Who says I judged you?”

“Your judging face says!”

“That’s just how my face looks.”

Tony paused to think about that, and to reconsider every interaction they’d had with Ana thus far.

“How did you come up with Anathema?” they asked after a while.

She shrugged. “It was my username when I used to be on occultist forums.”

Tony took a moment to process her words. When they did, they were still at a loss- it was too strange of a sentence to comprehend fully. They pressed her. “What. Is an  _ occultist forum _ ?” 

“What kind of a question is that? It’s a forum where people talk about occultist practices.”

“Do you do occultist practices?”

“I dabble.”

Tony stared at her. They shouldn’t have been surprised, really. They didn’t know how to respond. They couldn’t work out if it was weird or impressive. They grasped at the only other thing they’d gleaned from Anathema’s declaration.

“Are forums even still a thing?”

“If you know where to look. What? You’ve never been a member of some weird sciencey forum? Like one where you post pictures of the weird bug you found and ask your friends to identify it or something?”

“Is that what you think I do for fun?”

“Yes,” Ana deadpanned.

Tony cracked a smile.

“I used to be a big, uhh,  _ My Chemical Romance _ fan... so maybe I used to, you know, find myself on some fan sites.”

“Oh, so you were an Emo kid.” Ana gave Tony a quick once over. “That checks out.”

Tony laughed at that. Azira had been right. Against all of Tony’s expectations, they thought they liked Anathema.

After coffee, they went thrift shopping. It was really fun. Tony bought several oversized Hawaiian shirts, because they figured, if they were going to be a camp counselor all summer, they might as well lean into the whole dad aesthetic. Ana managed to find something that Tony was pretty sure was the outfit Elphaba wore in Wicked. In other words, it looked exactly like all her other clothes.

They ate at an  _ Andy Griffith Show _ style diner that was attached to a souvenir store, and after filling up on french fries and milkshakes, they hopped over to the store side to buy stickers for their trunks. They wandered through all of the touristy outdoor themed kitsch, the t-shirts and mugs with bats and white squirrels and every other animal that somehow represented Brevard, the glossy picture filled books on hiking and climbing and mountain biking. Ana bought some weird handmade soap. Tony got a few pairs of wacky socks.

All-in-all, it was a successful leave.

It didn’t, however, do much to dispel Tony’s distress on the, uh,  _ Azira  _ subject.

It had only been a week, but Tony had thought they and Azira were doing well together as co-counselors. That they made a good team. They fed off of each other well and could communicate with just looks. They agreed on when to be goofy and when to be strict. Yeah, it was mostly Azira enforcing structure- but Tony followed her lead. And the campers responded to them. The campers  _ liked  _ them. Their cabin felt like a big, happy family!

That should have counted for something, right? But maybe Tony was putting too much stock into the whole co-parenting thing. They weren’t  _ really  _ co-parenting, and, obviously, Azira had other friends. Like Newt.

Azira and Newt seemed  _ really close _ . And, ah,  _ physical.  _

There had to be something there. Probably developed from the previous summers they had worked together. It certainly wasn’t something Tony could have any hope at competing with if it was true. Newt was happy go-lucky, like Azira. Of  _ course _ she would want to be with him, instead of, well, a former emo kid.

But. Tony and Azira had a  _ history. _ That counted for something. 

Right?

* * *

There weren’t a lot of mirrors at camp. That was one of the positives. But at thirteen, it was hard not to seek out the few there were. 

There was a small one, the size of a standard piece of notebook paper, in the Senior Girl’s bathroom over just one of the sinks. The other nine sinks just had wood where a mirror might usually be. 

Tony stood in front of the tiny mirror. They were lucky they were tall enough to see themself in it. They stared at their freckle covered face, their flat and stringy shoulder length hair. They frowned.

“Tony! There you are! What are you doing? Do you want to go swimming?”

Tony didn’t look at Azira. They shook their head. 

Azira joined Tony and went on her tiptoes, trying to catch a glimpse of herself in the mirror. She gave up and settled back on her feet. She elbowed Tony instead. “What’s the matter?”

Tony didn’t respond, but Azira just waited. She had a knack for getting Tony to talk. It was her stubbornness. If she was expectantly quiet long enough, Tony caved.

Tony sighed. They weren’t sure why their reflection was so unsatisfying. “Do you think I’m pretty?” they asked, uncertain if it was even the right question.

“What? Of course! You’re the prettiest girl I know!” 

Azira made it sound like it was the most obvious thing in the world. And yet Tony couldn’t believe it for a second. They didn’t think they were pretty at all. They weren’t sure they even wanted to be. But it seemed like what they were  _ supposed _ to want. 

“I don’t like my hair,” Tony said, tugging at the red strands. 

“Why?” Azira cried. “Your hair is lovely! I’m jealous, actually.”

“What? That’s crazy!” Tony turned to look at Azira and her blonde hair that she wore French braided just to her neck, where the braids ended and turned into wavy pigtails, like Dorothy in  _ The Wizard of Oz _ . “Your hair is way prettier that mine!”

Azira shrugged. “I guess everybody is jealous of everybody, right?” 

Hmm. Maybe. But Azira seemed a lot more confident than Tony.

Plus, she looked different this year. The braids were new, for one. She was also wearing a baby blue choker and a matching sparkly tank top covered in ruffles. Her outfit was more on trend for a late 90s movie than for 2012, but Tony kind of liked it. It felt very  _ her.  _

Tony didn’t know yet what felt  _ them. _

Azira’s eyes widened with excitement. “Do you want me to braid it?” she burst.

“What?”

“Your hair! I need to practice, anyways. I’m the only person I ever get to practice on! Doon won’t let me touch  _ her _ hair. So if you let me, I can actually get to do someone else’s hair, and your hair can be out of your face so you can have fun, which I know is what you  _ really  _ want, right? And I bet the braids look really cute!”

“Do you think my hair is long enough?”

Azira shrugged again. “Only one way to find out, right?”

So they went back to their cabin and Tony invited Azira up to their top bunk. Equipped with a hairbrush and hair ties, she started tugging and pulling at Tony’s hair as she sat behind them on the bed. It hurt, but Tony didn’t mind. It was nice, getting Azira’s attention like this, feeling her fingers in their hair.

“Why do you care, anyways?” Azira suddenly asked, as she was finishing the first braid. “I mean, about how you look? Is there a boy you like?”

Tony scoffed. “No way!”

Azira giggled. “Me neither!” She started on the second braid. “Oh, I’m so glad. All the girls at my school started going boy crazy this year and I just don’t get it. We are way too young to form romantic attachments!”

Tony smiled. “I guess.” Tony was relieved to hear that. Because they figured if Azira  _ wanted  _ a boyfriend, she could get one easily. And then maybe she wouldn’t hang out with them so much.

“This is so much better. We don’t have to worry about anybody but us!”

“Yeah.” Tony liked the sound of that. 

“There,” Azira said, as she tied off the second braid. “How do they feel?” 

Tony patted both braids, from the top all the way down to the tiny little tails sticking out below their ears. They felt tight, like they wouldn’t fall out, and it was nice, actually, feeling like all that hair was put away. “Good. They feel good.”

“Oh, yay! If you want, I can braid your hair every day!”

How did they get so lucky to have a friend like Azira? 

“Yeah,” they said. “I’d like that.”

* * *

When Tony came back from leave, it was Azira’s turn. Azira left before the sun was up, which was only fair. She got away without having to make a big scene of telling the kids goodbye. Which meant Tony was already alone with the kids when everyone got out of bed. The aloneness felt stark.

A lot of the kids were used to getting their hair braided by Azira: they would sit around her on her bed in the morning, waiting for their turns. You could almost distinguish the Cabin 4 campers from all the other campers, because most of them constantly had perfect French braids. She’d gotten really good at braiding over the years, and it showed.

Azira being gone meant the kids had to be disappointed. Tony wasn’t up to the task. As much as they’d liked Azira braiding their hair every summer at camp, they’d never learned how to do it themself.

Claire insisted they try anyways. 

As Tony did their best to guess how braiding worked, getting their fingers tangled in Claire’s wispy locks, they felt like one of those helpless dads on a sitcom. It wasn’t a good feeling.

Several campers crowded around Tony to watch. Olivia tried to give verbal instructions based on what she could remember from watching Azira, but it only made Tony more confused and flustered. The other ducklings wandered away when it became clear Tony didn’t know what they were doing.

Maybe Tony wasn’t really a good counselor. Maybe they were just benefitting from Azira’s skill. They couldn’t help but feel completely incompetent as they kept undoing what they attempted.

Luckily, Tony was saved by the breakfast bell. As soon as the ringing was heard, the other kids fled the cabin like hens met with a fox, leaving Tony and Claire in the dust.

“I’m sorry, Claire. Is it okay if I just put it in a ponytail for now?”

“I can do that myself!” she declared as she hopped off of Tony’s bed. “You can try again later,” she assured them as she held her head upside down and gathered her hair sloppily into her elastic. “I bet another counselor could help you!” she added, as she flipped back up. “Come on, aren’t you hungry?” She pulled Tony by the arm to get them to stand and then dashed out the door, following after the other children.

Tony’s call of “Walk!” fell feebly against the cabin door as it swung shut. 

With a huff, Tony trudged out of the cabin to join the crowds heading towards the mess hall. They didn’t have much hope of catching up with their own campers. It wasn’t far to the mess hall, and after a week, the kids knew their way, but Tony missed the way they’d neatly followed them like ducks in a row those first few days. Maybe Tony was losing them.

When they got inside and made it to the Girls Middler Cabin 4 table, both heads of the table were empty. Tony shouldn’t have felt the pang of disappointment, knowing Azira would miss all three meals today. It was absurd, she would be back tomorrow. 

They looked between the two chairs, unsure of which one they should take.

“Crow!” Lydia was waving at them with a big smile on her face, pointing at the empty chair on her side of the table.

At least there was Lydia.

Tony took the chair Lydia was pointing to and felt slightly less terrible as the mess hall broke into the morning blessing before they all sat to eat.

“Crow! Guess what!” Lydia whispered conspiratorially as food started getting passed around. 

Tony smiled. “What?”

“Last night, before bed, there were  _ three _ sprickets in the cabin, and you were gone, and everyone was so scared!”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah! Even Angel screamed when one jumped at her! She was too scared to use your bug jar, and nobody knew what to do! I think she almost started crying!” 

Tony was surprised. Azira couldn’t handle a couple of bugs? Yeah, Tony had been the de facto bug wrangler in the cabin, but they’d thought Azira was just letting them do that so they felt important. She’d let them do a whole speech and make a whole thing about a mason jar decorated with puffy paint and designated specifically for capturing bugs. It was supposed to make the  _ kids  _ less scared.

“I was a little bit scared, too, but I wanted to be brave, like you. So I used the bug jar. I captured all three bugs and safely brought them outside! Olivia wanted to smash them, but I said that  _ you _ said they are more scared of us than we are of them! And we shouldn’t kill them when all they are is scared!”

Tony raised their eyebrows at the story. “Wow, Lydia. I’m really impressed.” Little Lydia. Taking charge when the adult in the room couldn’t? And Tony had inspired her to do it? “Thank you for taking care of the cabin while I was gone.”

Lydia lit up. Apparently having shared what she wanted to share, she focused on filling her plate with biscuits. The bowl of grits remained untouched by everyone.

Tony was being too hard on themself. They were good at some things. And they could get better at the things they weren’t.

They  _ could  _ try to get help from another counselor on the braiding thing. There weren’t many people Tony wouldn’t be mortified to ask, but they caught sight of Ana at the salad bar. 

Tony jumped up to catch her before she went back to her table. 

“Anathema-“

“Mmm?” she responded as she carefully poured granola into a bowl of yogurt.

“I can’t braid hair,” Tony blurted.

“Okay,” she responded absently.

“Angel usually, uh, does the hair braiding.”

Ana looked up. “Why do I care about this?”

Tony sighed. “Can you teach me?”

“What makes you think I know how to braid hair?”

Tony opened their mouth but didn’t say anything. They couldn’t come up with an answer that wasn’t a gendered stereotype and they felt a little ashamed.

“Excuse me? Sorry to interrupt-“ Newt was sliding up to them from the other side of the salad bar. He straightened his glasses. “I didn’t mean to eavesdrop…”

“Then why did you?” Ana asked coldly.

Newt recoiled like a chastised puppy. “Right, yes. But… I only thought.” He turned to face Tony, avoiding Ana’s gaze. “If you do want help, Crow, I can teach you to braid hair.”

“You know how to braid hair?” Tony asked skeptically. This was the last person they wanted help from. They honestly would have preferred Hastur. “ _ French _ braids?”

Newt nodded sheepishly. “And Dutch or fishtail… I have three little sisters.”

Tony held back a groan and thought about Claire and all the other campers whose hair Azira would have to spend far too long untangling if these kids were left to their own devices. They couldn’t ignore a perfectly good offer to help just because of their own pettiness. Even if it meant salt in the wound. Biting back their pride, they said, “Do you have time after breakfast?” Newt brightened and smiled dopily, like Tony had given him a gold star on his homework. Tony fought the urge to roll their eyes.

Newt accompanied Tony to their cabin, leaving his own in the capable hands of his cabin’s CIT. It must have been nice, having a third counselor. (Why were they bitter? Was that even something they were jealous of? Did they really want another counselor invading the sacred space they shared only with Azira?)

Newt suggested that they each braid at the same time, so Newt could demonstrate while Tony followed along. Claire and Olivia were over the moon to have Newt in the cabin, so they quickly volunteered to be the guinea pigs.

“Newt, Newt, Newt!” Claire said, as soon as they sat down on Tony’s bed, Claire in front of Tony and Olivia in front of Newt. “Are we going to get to use the loom today in WoW?”

“Yeah! Are you excited?”

“Yes! I’m going to finish my scarf today!”

Emily sighed loudly from her bottom bunk across from them where she was pulling on thick wool socks. “I wish I was in WoW!”

“You only want to be in WoW because it’s Jeremy’s favorite activity!” Claire teased. 

“Not uh!”

“Emily has a boyfriend!” Claire singsonged.

“Me and Jeremy are just friends! Boys and girls can be friends, you know!”

“That’s right,” Tony interjected firmly, as they began untangling Claire’s hair with their fingers.

“I just want a bookmark,” Emily pouted. 

“Ask Angel to make you one,” Newt suggested brightly. “She’s really good at them. She comes to WoW a lot on her free period,” he added, as he parted Olivia’s hair.

Tony bristled. They hadn’t known that. Why wouldn’t she just make paper bookmarks in PALs? She had to weave them with  _ Newt?  _ Suppressing the bitterness, Tony focused on Newt’s fingers, trying to mimic the way he held the pieces of Olivia’s hair.

Claire started vibrating with excitement. Tony had the feeling she was getting ready to say something inappropriate.

Newt started verbally explaining the braiding process as he demonstrated, before anything could burst out of Claire’s mouth. As Tony tried to follow his instructions, Olivia spoke up.

“Will the last Friday Funday of camp be a dance?” she asked. “That’s what Emily said happened last year!” 

“Yep,” Newt answered. Tony relaxed at the change of subject. They relaxed too soon.

“A dance? That’s amazing! What a great chance for romance!” Claire added.

Tony huffed. “You are too young to be thinking about romance. Just focus on having fun with you friends,” they said, as they fumbled a bit on Claire’s braid. It wasn’t too bad, actually, now that they could see how Newt was doing it. It was just awkward for their hands, trying to hold on to all these strands of hair and add more as they continued down the braid.

“Oh, I don’t mean for me,” Claire said. “Newt, do  _ you _ have any plans for romance?”

Tony glanced at Newt to see his reaction. He turned beet red. “I, uh, what?”

“Just ignore them,” Tony muttered. They managed to somehow get all of Claire’s hair on her right part into the braid, and then it was easier to braid the rest of the way down. They pulled Claire’s elastic off their wrist to tie off the first braid. It didn’t look great, but it would take forever to redo it, and there was still the other side. At least it resembled a braid.

“Isn’t there a counselor you like?” Olivia prompted, apparently having caught on to Claire’s excitement.

“Counselors aren’t allowed to date,” Newt managed to squeak.

Oh,  _ right _ . How could Tony have forgotten about that rule? That was good, right? If they couldn’t seriously date, whatever was going on with Newt and Azira would just fizzle out, right? They happily started on the second braid.

“ _ What? _ ” Claire asked, outraged. “But what if you meet your  _ soulmate _ ?”

“You would just have to wait until after camp, I guess,” Tony said, feeling a little smug.

“That’s unfair! Don’t you think, Olivia? What if this is the only time you will ever see each other?”

“Claire, could you try and stay still? I’m struggling with this braid.”

Claire pouted, but stopped squirming.

The ringing of the bell for the first activity period startled Tony and they held back a curse. They tried to quicken their pace on the second braid- they should have already been a WiNner’s Rock to meet their activity group. Why had they thought it was a good idea to try to learn how to hair braid in such a limited amount of time? Newt seemed unperturbed. It must have been his free period. 

Tony finished the second braid and it looked significantly worse than the first one. There wasn’t any time to change it. They held back a groan. “I really have to run,” they said to Newt. “If you want to fix it, you can.” 

“They’re fine!” Claire declared, jumping off of Tony’s bed and feeling the braids. “Anyways, I don’t want to be late for yoga! Anathema is using calming crystals today!” With that, she skipped out the door. 

Tony looked at Newt, who was just finishing Olivia’s braids. They looked perfect. Tony flinched. “Maybe later… we can practice some more. During Free Swim?”

“Sure!” Newt said affably. Why did he have to be so nice? It made it harder to hate him. 

Tony didn’t make  _ any _ annoyed sounds as they quickly shoved on their converses- no need for hiking boots, it was a s’mores day- and ran out the cabin door.

* * *

Azira got back from leave just after lights out. Tony was sitting in their crazy creek in front of the cabin door because it was the best place to read aloud where all the campers could hear them from their beds. They had to pause from reading and scoot out of the way when Azira tried to push in.

“Oh, I’m so sorry,” Azira whispered from behind the partially cracked door. 

“S’fine,” Tony whispered back.

As she tiptoed into the dark room, some of the campers began to stir and whisper.

“Angel!”

“How was leave?”

“What did you do?”

“Did you bring us anything?”

“Shh, shh,” Azira responded. “It’s bedtime, I’ll talk to you in the morning.”

Tony settled back into position and continued the chapter of  _ Charlotte’s Web.  _ Wilbur was in the middle of an important conversation with Charlotte.

When Tony finished reading for the night, closing the book and picking up their crazy creek to put next to their bed, they noticed Azira gesturing towards the door from her bed.

Stowing away the book and crazy creek, Tony followed her signal and stepped out of the cabin into the dark night. She joined them shortly, toothbrush and toothpaste in hand. She started walking and Tony assumed she meant for them to follow her. All of the cabins were dark, their way only lit by a headlamp Azira wore around her neck like a necklace.

“How did it go?” she whispered.

“What?” Tony whispered back. The only sounds besides their voices were crickets and the breaking of sticks and leaves under their feet as they made their way down the line to the bathrooms. 

“The day.”

Tony shrugged. “Fine. What, you think I couldn’t handle being without you?” they barbed playfully. 

“Oh  _ no. _ I have the utmost faith in you.”

“Pfff.” Tony shoved their hands in their pockets.

“I do!”

She  _ shouldn’t _ have, but Tony didn’t say so.

“I heard you had a run in with some sprickets while I was gone,” Tony teased, as they reached the light of the bathroom. Even at the edge of the dim circle of light, Tony could see Azira blushing.

“Oh. Yes,” she said gravely. She stepped through the open archway of the bathroom, selecting one of the many sinks lining the plank wood wall. Tony felt a little awkward about following Azira into the bathroom, so they waited at the entrance. Azira looked back. “Come on, silly,” she said, and then Tony followed her, settling on leaning backwards against the sink next to her, feeling the cold and dirty porcelain under their grip.

“I never thought of you as someone who was afraid of bugs,” Tony said.

Azira looked steadfastly at the faucet, which she turned on just a smidge to wet her toothbrush. “Oh, no. Well. I never had to be when I was with you.”

Tony turned and rested their forearms on their sink, feeling warm and comfortable. They hoped Azira wouldn’t turn to see their flush. Instead, she watched as they gently picked up a daddy long-legs hiding behind her faucet and placed it on their palm. “We can work on that,” Tony said to their hand, knowing they were smiling. “When I’m through with you, you’ll be holding wolf spiders.”

Azira turned her face away and shivered with her whole body. “No, thank you,” she said, shutting off the sink. Tony stood and turned, setting the daddy long-legs on the bathroom floor and letting it scurry away. Azira visibly relaxed.

“How was leave?” Tony asked, leaning back against the sink, as Azira fiddled with her toothpaste cap.

“Good! It was nice. To have a bit of time to relax.”

“Yeah. Who’d you spend it with?”

“Oh, no one special.” 

Tony thought that was an odd way to answer. Azira blushed as she focused on squeezing toothpaste onto her toothbrush. 

“It’s too bad, really,” she said softly, looking at her toothbrush. “That I can’t spend it with who I really want to.”

Then it made sense. The warmth that had settled in Tony’s chest evaporated. Newt didn’t have the same leave as her. 

Tony thought about offering to switch leaves, but they didn’t want to give her more opportunities to be with him. Maybe it was selfish. But they didn’t want to spend Azira’s next leave with  _ Mr. Brightside _ plaguing them in a whole new way. Instead, they just said, “Yeah.”

* * *

Tony was ruminating on the subject of Azira’s secret affair with Newt after lunch the next day. As they hung on the railing of the mess hall porch, they were assaulted by one Warlock.

“You!” the kid exclaimed, bounding up the mess hall steps to Tony.

“Me,” Tony responded, perplexed. 

“What’s your name again?” Warlock asked.

“Crow.”

“Like the bird?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s stupid.”

Tony stood and crossed their arms. They knew they shouldn’t have been offended by the loud opinion of some bratty kid, but it still hurt. “No it’s not.”

“You could choose any name in the world, and you chose some dumb bird?” Warlock sounded appalled by such an egregious sin.

Tony reminded themself that they were the adult. They would not let an eleven year old make them question their decisions. “Yes,” Tony said firmly.

Warlock’s demeanor transformed to one of dejectedness. “I wish I could choose any name I wanted. I hate my name.”

Tony softened, relaxing and putting their hands in their pockets. “I know that feeling,” they said sincerely. Warlock looked at Tony, head tilted, just like during that first conversation during training week. “You know,” Tony offered gently. “You  _ can _ go by a different name. If you want to. You can try your new name on for a while, and if you don’t like it, you can always go back to your old one.”

The kid’s face scrunched up in apparent thought. “Wouldn’t that be confusing?”

Tony shrugged. “Maybe. But if you are happier, that’s all that’s important.”

“Hmm.” Warlock blinked a few times. “Thanks.”

“Sure.”

Warlock stared at Tony for a few more moments and then, without saying goodbye, ran past them into the mess hall, probably to steal muffins. 

Where was Warlock’s nanny? Surely the kid wasn’t just running around unsupervised. Tony was considering whether it would be overstepping to follow Warlock, or track down this elusive nanny, or  _ something _ , when a panicked Azira found Tony still looking at the mess hall doors.

“Crow!” she exclaimed. Tony turned to her voice. She was out of breath and frazzled and the bottom of the steps. “There you are! We, uh… we could use your help.”

Azira’s alarm was infectious. Tony sprung into action mode. Warlock was fine. Chef Lesley would be in the kitchen.  _ This _ seemed urgent. Was a kid hurt? Was it one of the ducklings?

Gesturing for Tony to follow, Azira started running. Tony dashed down the steps. Azira headed straight into the wooded trail leading to the Girls Middler cabins. Tony struggled to keep up. They hadn’t known Azira was such a fast runner. Narrowly avoiding branches and exposed roots, they got to the line.

A crowd was gathered around the cabin two down from Tony and Azira’s. The residents of Cabin 6 (campers and terrified counselors) were joined by other curious campers and staff members, including Mary, biting her nails. Some people were huddled in fear, while others were craning their necks to try and see inside the cabin. 

“I’ve got Crow!” Azira called as they approached the group. Tony’s veins were pumping extra hard as they slowed down to a stop before the cabin. They wondered if there was an injured kid in that cabin.

“Shh!” one counselor hissed. “You’ll spook it!”

Azira clasped her hands over her mouth.

Okay, so it was an animal. No injured kid. Not  _ yet, _ anyways. 

It couldn’t have been a bear, the whole line would have been evacuated. Maybe it was just a big spider. Except, that wouldn’t have drawn the attention of  _ Mary.  _ Tony tried to slow their breathing. They couldn’t tell if it was the running or the adrenaline making them feel like they’d had a double shot of espresso.

Azira glanced nervously at the cabin. She looked at the crowd. Steeling herself, she bravely grabbed Tony’s wrist and led them to a cabin window, where she pointed at one of the rafters in the middle of the cabin. Wrapped around a damp dark wooden beam, high up above the towel hanging area, was a snake. A really, really big, black snake.

Oh. Tony felt a surge of relief. They could handle this. Maybe. They would have to, because it didn’t look like anyone else was stepping up to the plate.

“Is it poisonous?” Azira whispered.

“Nah. It’s just a rat snake,” Tony assured.

Azira let out a breath she’d been holding. 

Mary joined them on Tony’s other side. “It’s not poisonous, it is?” Mary asked quietly. 

Tony resisted the urge to tell the two of them that snakes are  _ venomous _ not  _ poisonous.  _ It wouldn’t have been helpful. “No,” Tony said, instead. They made a mental note to start incorporating snake identification into WiN.

“Should we just wait for it to leave on its own?” Mary asked.

“That could take a while. But I can get it out,” Tony said confidently.

Mary raised her eyebrows. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah. I have experience with snakes.”

“We have grabbers and a pillowcase in the main office. Do you want me to go get those? I’ll go get those!”

“No, it’s really-” but she had already turned and started running back up the line.

Tony huffed. 

Tony’s heart was still pumping hard, but the action instinct was taking over their brain. “Azira, could you get all these people to give me some space? I need a clear path from the cabin door to the woods. And it would be helpful if people didn’t, uhhh, scream.”

“What are you going to do?” Azira asked in alarm.

“What do you mean? I’m going to grab the snake and let it go in the woods.”

“You mean when Mary gets back with the grabbers.”

“I don’t want to use those things. I can just pick it up.”

Azira’s eyes widened in shock. “ _ What?” _

“I don’t want to hurt it!” Tony insisted.

Azira grabbed Tony’s upper arms. “What if it hurts  _ you _ ?”

Tony looked at Azira’s hand on their arm. They looked at her face. She was panicking. Tony did  _ not _ want to think about how Azira’s sudden protectiveness made them feel. “I’ll be fine! It’s harmless!”

“It could bite you!”

“Well… let’s just hope that it doesn’t.” Most snake bites happen when someone steps on a snake, tries to kill it, or… picks it up.

“And if it does?”

“It’s non-venomous.” Better it bit Tony than a camper.

Azira’s face had the expression of a mother watching her child go off to war.

“I’ll be  _ fine.” _ They didn’t want to think about Azira crying if they were bitten. They didn’t want to think about her hugging them tightly, like they’d almost died. They didn’t want to think about her tending the wound. Kissing the spot tenderly after she placed a bandage... 

Azira nodded and let go of Tony’s arms. She returned to the growing crowd of campers and counselors to try to corral them away from the cabin. Tony could hear her turning on her parent voice to get everyone to follow her instructions.

Tony shook away their stupid, _stupid_ thoughts. This was not the time.

They picked up a rock to prop the cabin door. They took a deep breath and pushed open the door quietly, setting the rock down gently. They entered the cabin.

They had plenty of experience with snakes. In high school, they had volunteered at a nature center, and they had gotten to hold the snakes all the time. They had never picked up a snake in the wild, but… how different could it be?

They climbed onto the half wall along the towel hanging area, clinging to the post on one end of it, trying to maintain their balance. They switched their hold onto the rafter and started inching themself toward the snake, feeling like they were performing a tightrope act. 

They kept their eyes locked on the snake. It was fascinating, actually, to see it so close. It was amazing how that massive limbless thing held onto the unnatural right angles of the wood with just its belly. It was right at home and out of place at the same time. It was monstrous and beautiful, with its scaly coils unraveling slowly and alienlike. It was all muscle, a long limber rope of pure strength, expanding and contracting, as it slithered further away along the rafter. 

_ Dammit _ . It was hard enough trying to get the courage up to grab a snake while trying not to fall- they had to keep up with it, too? Tony paused, trying to keep as still as possible to consider their next move. The snake was just out of reach and getting close to the wall. If it got further away- slithering beneath all the colorful wet towels and swimsuits, or getting under or behind the beds- that would make this a lot harder. The last thing Tony wanted was to cause undue panic.

With one reckless burst of energy, Tony reached one hand out and grabbed the snake’s tail. The snake froze. Tony was able to inch closer so they could lift the snake with both hands. It resisted being lifted, clinging to the rafter, but when Tony peeled it away, it just hung limply in their hands. Tony missed the way the snakes at the nature center wrapped around their arms, looking for balance and warmth, the way it felt to have scales sliding against their skin. This one didn’t get comfortable in Tony’s arms. It didn’t squirm or try to bite, either. 

Tony very carefully stepped down from the wall, holding the snake away from themself just in case. It hung heavily, and Tony gripped its body firmly, focused on not dropping it. With a surreal calmness, they walked out of the cabin. 

Tony ignored the gasps as they continued walking, entering the woods and going a few yards deep, hoping that was far enough for the snake not to return. The snake was so still, they wondered if it had died from shock. When they laid the snake down gingerly onto the leaves, it slithered away in a flash. They let out a breath. They blinked at the spot on the ground where the snake had last been visible. That was… a lot easier than anticipated. And. It was done. They tried not to be disappointed that they  _ weren’t _ bitten.

When they returned to the line, they were met with quite a few dumbfounded faces. Including Mary, who had returned with the snake grabbers and pillow case and who looked like she’d seen a ghost.

Azira encouraged the campers and counselors that were still around to return to their cabins, as Tony locked gazes with Mary. They were nervous, because they’d gone against her instructions, hadn’t they?

“You- that snake,” Mary breathed, as she clutched the pillow case to her chest. She looked like she might faint.

“It’s okay!” Tony assured as they approached her. They showed her their arms. “No bites, see?”

“You- you’re- hero!”

“No, not really-”

“I have to tell the rest of the Head Staff!” She turned to start running back the way she came.

“It really wasn’t-” but she was gone before Tony could say anything else. They sighed. 

* * *

Mary made an announcement at dinner that night and wildly exaggerated the events surrounding Tony’s “heroic act”. For the next few days, the whole camp was abuzz about it. Tony wished people would just let it go. They didn’t want the attention, certainly not to be lauded as the “snake whisperer”. 

Slowly, they got their wish. 

As laundry day came and went, conversations began to shift to the relief of the smell of old grits being replaced with the scent of commercial detergent. 

As the next Friday Funday approached, the camp dance began to take center stage in most conversations. The ducklings were bouncing with excitement when the night finally came. 

“Angel! Are you going to dance with anyone?” Claire asked as they all started to make their way down to the barn gym at dusk. Some concentrated effort by the camp maintenance staff involving high pressure hoses had luckily removed most evidence of the grit pit.

“Well, of course! I’m going to dance with all of you!” she exclaimed cheerfully.

“Yeah, but what if there is a  _ slow _ dance?” Claire insisted.

“Oh, I’m certain there won’t be a slow dance,” Azira responded matter-of-factly.

“But what if there  _ is? _ Isn’t there a _ special someone _ you want to dance with?” 

Azira chuckled. “Are you asking me for a dance?”

“No!” Claire gave an exasperated huff. “Someone  _ special  _ special.”

“It’s okay. We know,” Olivia added, coming up to Azira’s other side.

“Sorry. What do you know?” Azira sounded calmly perplexed, maybe even a little tickled. Tony was just a few paces behind the trio. They knew what was coming, and they knew they should have stopped it. They knew it. But they were too curious about her response to speak up. 

“About the counselor you are in love with,” Claire whispered loudly.

“ _ What?”  _ Azira blushed furiously and laughed in that unnatural way of someone who has been caught. “I have no idea what you are talking about!” 

“It's okay. The  _ other counselor _ told us counselors aren’t allowed to date.”

“Doesn’t that just make it more romantic!” Olivia exclaimed. “It’s like  _ Romeo and Juliet _ !”

“I’m not, there’s no- wait, what other...?”

They could have pretended they hadn’t overheard anything. There was enough space between them. But they couldn’t watch Azira sink into further embarrassment. “Stop tormenting her,” Tony called from behind them.

“We’re just asking questions!” Claire defended petulantly.

“Well she doesn’t want to answer them, so drop it.” 

Claire crossed her arms and stomped ahead of the group. Olivia ran up to join her. 

“Thank you,” Azira said when Tony swung around to walk beside her.

“I don’t know what’s gotten into them,” Tony muttered. “They’re too nosy for their own goods.”

Azira nodded meekly. “So I take it they’ve, uh… already tormented the...  _ other  _ counselor?” she asked, not meeting Tony’s eyes.

“Yep.”

“Mmm,” she said, wrapping her arms around herself.

“It wasn’t too bad,” Tony offered gently. Azira nodded again.

When they got to the barn, Azira slipped away with some of the campers, and it suddenly felt like Tony was being avoided. They felt hurt. Because as much as they didn’t want to hear about Azira’s crush on Newt, they’d have hoped they were good enough friends that she would at least tell them about it. Was she sparing their feelings? Because it was so obvious how hopelessly in love with her Tony was? They really hoped it wasn’t  _ that. _ They couldn’t imagine anything worse.

Not much to do at the moment, though, but go to the dance.

The inside of the barn looked amazing. The Cadet campers had outdone themselves. There were fairy lights all around the walls and criss crossed though the rafters. The edges of the large room were lined with tables covered in candy and temporary tattoos and stickers, while the middle was left open for dancing. Colorful glow sticks were making their way around, and on the stage on one end of the barn, where the counselors had performed their skits at the very beginning of camp, there was a DJ set up with large speakers already blasting pop music.

Tony had never been much of a dancer. But Azira _loved_ dancing, and Tony was always willing to dance with _her._ She was always so full of joy and energy and she would be so excited to dance with _Tony_ , that Tony would forget that they had zero rhythm and would somehow find themself dancing the night away.

But Tony had lost sight of Azira, and it seemed she wasn’t interested in dancing with them tonight, anyways. Maybe that was for the best. Because it was Tony’s  _ job _ to make sure the  _ campers  _ were having fun, and it was better not to get distracted.

Lydia grabbed Tony’s hand and pulled them onto the dance floor for some poppy song Tony had never heard, but everyone else seemed to know all the words to. Tony danced, anyways, pulling out their cheesiest dance moves: the shopping cart, the sprinkler. Lydia and the other kids loved it.

When the dance had been going on long enough that most people had left the dance floor to gorge themselves on candy, the D.J. put on  _ Cotton-Eye Joe.  _ Tony, who was hanging by a water cooler, smiled when they remembered Azira teaching them the line dance when they were kids. They’d been resting long enough. They didn’t know where Azira was, but they found Lydia and Emily and some of their other campers and got them to join them on the dance floor.

Teaching their campers the  _ Cotton-Eye Joe  _ dance was probably the most fun they’d had all summer. They couldn’t believe they still remembered it, or that they had the stamina to keep doing it for the whole song. When the song was over, they were so proud, they couldn’t not tell Azira. Whatever secrets she wanted to keep from Tony didn’t take away the eight summers they’d spent together as campers. After downing several cups of water, Tony weaved through the throngs of sweaty campers and counselors, searching for Azira.

When Tony found her, she was at one of the candy tables, furiously eating through a pile of laffy taffies and whispering hysterically to Ana, who seemed to be trying to calm her down. It was probably best to walk away. But Tony’s curiosity got the better of them. They changed course and hid behind an old fashioned photo booth near where Azira and Anathema were standing. They strained their ears to catch the conversation.

“God is punishing me,” Azira was saying.

“God is not  _ punishing _ you. They’re just kids,” Ana responded calmly. 

“Kids who can read my mind? How could they know something like that?” 

“Well...”

“Is it that obvious?” Her voice had taken on the high pitch that Tony recognized as panic.

“Kinda.”

“Oh dear.”

“I’m pretty sure the feelings are mutual.”

“Really?” Now she sounded cautiously hopeful. Tony’s heart sunk. She was right not to talk to Tony. They couldn’t have been honest with her. And it wasn’t fair to be dishonest about something as tender as love with someone as sweet as Azira. Because Ana was right. Of course she was right. And if she wasn’t, Newt was the stupidest person alive.

“Yes.” Ana was firm and resolute, but not unkind. “You should say something.”

“Should I? But the rule…”

“So wait until Session Break,” she encouraged gently. Gentler than Tony had ever heard her be. “Just to be safe.”

“Session Break?” The words hung in the air like a promise. “Yes,” she affirmed for herself thoughtfully. “That could work…”

Tony had heard enough. They slunk away, finding cover in the crowds on the other end of the barn. So much for telling Azira about  _ Cotton-Eye Joe.  _ If this stuff about Newt was enough to keep her from dancing, what else would it do? Tony was certain of it now- Azira’s heart belonged to another, and everything they had, their friendship… it was getting ready to take the backseat.

Session Break. 

So they had one more week before they lost Azira to Newt completely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's song is I'm Not Okay (I Promise) by My Chemical Romance (be forewarned that this is an explicit song- as in, it has the f word.)
> 
> If you, too, would like to learn the Cotton Eye Joe dance, [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cGOwjybEF7s) is a tutorial for the version _I_ know. (The first way.) I didn't realize there were so many versions! (Everyone else is wrong though, and this first way is the True way.)


	5. Session Break (Things I'll Never Say)

**_“I’ve heard tell that what you imagine sometimes comes true.” - Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Roald Dahl_ **

“You’ll never believe where  _ we  _ were this morning,” Jon bragged, arm linked with Doon’s.

“Where?” Azira asked in excited delight.

“Stop it, Jon,” Doon scolded. “She’ll only be jealous, since she’s still just a kid.”

Azira’s excitement turned quickly to offended anger. “I’m not a baby! I’m almost a teenager!”

“Twelve is way too young,” Doon said matter-of-factly. “The only reason we got to go to the chapel at fourteen, instead of having to wait all the way until we are sixteen, is because we are such good friends with the Cadet campers that they just know how mature we are.”

Azira’s eyes raised her eyebrows. “What’s the chapel?”

Tony felt uneasy. Somehow, this felt like a trick. They tried to make themself invisible as they clutched onto the rubber ball at the end of the rope, opposite Azira on the well worn patch of dirt the tetherball set stood over.

“It’s only the coolest, most mysterious building in camp,” Jon said dramatically. “Way up in the mountain, even behind the staff building. Only the most adventurous campers even attempt to find it. But it’s against the rules to go there, so… it’s not like you would ever want to go, anyways.”

Azira was turning red, starting to vibrate with anger. “If no one is allowed to go there, then why is it there?”

“It’s old, Azira,” Doon said, like she was losing her patience. “From when the camp was smaller. From when it wasn’t even one camp! The boy’s camp and girl’s camp would go there on Sunday’s for church. That’s all it is. It’s really boring! You shouldn’t even think about it.”

Azira crossed her arms defiantly and Tony knew she had a plan forming. She jutted out her lip petulanty. “I don’t care what you say.  _ I’m _ going to find it. You’ll see!”

Doon sighed. “Please don’t try, Azira. I don’t want you to get hurt. The building isn’t safe! Just stay here and play with your little friend!” She gestured to Tony and Tony scowled at her. Doon raised one eyebrow. “Come on, Jon, let’s leave our  _ baby _ sister alone.

Azira turned to Tony as her siblings retreated, seething. She held her hands out for the ball. Tony passed it to her. Azira caught the ball, and then she swung it so hard, Tony stepped back, eyes widening as it whipped and wrapped around the poll so rapidly the whole tetherball set wobbled.

“We’re going tomorrow. You and me,” Azira said firmly. “During Free Swim. I’ll make the preparations.”

This felt like a bad idea, but Tony knew they couldn’t talk Azira out of it. And Tony knew the trails better, because of all the hiking in WiN. They just nodded.

The next day, the two of them blindly went into the woods behind the staff building, in search of the trail. They started on the main trail, the one that led to a big flat rock face that jutted out from the mountain, two hundred feet above the mess hall, that Tony got to hike to all the time in WiN. There was supposed to be another trail somewhere that peeled away from the first one and wound its way through thick woods, overgrown and forgotten, to the chapel. 

The problem was, even on a good day, the main trail was hard to follow, and it was especially hard after a recent rain when it was all muddy, and without a counselor to lead them. At some point, Tony was pretty sure they weren’t on the main trail anymore.

Tony and Azira pushed through shrubs and trees, taking thorns to their faces and arms and legs, getting mud on their socks and clothes when they both tripped on a steep part of the mountain. When they finally found what they thought was the chapel trail, it wasn’t much better. There were still branches and thorns and mud. They were still having to clamber up the practically vertical ground. 

Tony was relieved when they found it. They had started to think it didn’t exist. 

The little wooden building was dilapidated and overgrown with vines. The stained glass windows were caked with mud. It looked like it was part of the woods, grown out of the ground or left behind by fairies. It was magical.

Tony and Azira crawled inside, out of breath and covered in leaves and twigs. Azira opened her dirty Hello Kitty backpack and pulled out two smushed muffins she had stolen that morning. They shared one water bottle and got covered in crumbs and chocolate as they devoured the destroyed leftover morning snacks.

They’d barely had time to look at the chapel, discover its secrets, when they were found. Apparently, their counselors had realized they were missing pretty quickly, and the whole camp had shut down in search of them. 

Tony suspected it was Jon and Doon that had tipped them off. They suspected Jon and Doon had never seen the chapel, but had invented the story to set Azira up. Tony never told Azira about their theory.

Azira cried so much when they got caught that Tony took the blame. It wasn’t hard for anyone to believe that Tony was responsible for the wrongdoing. Troublesome Tony, who couldn’t ever sit still, who nearly always managed to lose a shoe, who was disruptive and annoyed every counselor with their highly specific questions. It was okay, though. The punishment wasn’t much more than a firm talking to, and a strengthening of their reputation as a bad apple.

As far as Tony knew, Azira never returned to the chapel. Tony went back the very next day.

* * *

Tony still liked to visit the chapel. It was the highest building at Camp Falling Star, far above the rest of camp. Secluded. The structure was definitely unstable, but Tony went inside, anyways. If they got there on time, they could watch the rising sun filter through the stained glass, filling the wooden interior with spots of colored light. 

They had to be careful in the chapel, because the benches were splintery, and many of them were covered in moss and rot. The roof had holes, and all kinds of animals had taken residence in its dark corners. There were loose nails and missing floorboards. And yet, there was a peaceful serenity to this place.

Tony loved the chapel. It was the perfect hideaway, a great place to think. And today, Tony had a lot of thinking to do.

It was the second to last full day of First Session. Almost time to say goodbye to the campers. Almost time to say goodbye to Azira.

Tony rubbed their arms, wishing their fleece pullover was thicker. It was cold in the morning, especially as early as it was, the sun only half up, the mountain still covered by a thick layer of fog. Everybody else was still asleep in the cabin. Tony would return before the morning wakeup bell. 

It wouldn’t  _ really  _ be goodbye. They’d already found out their cabin assignments for Second Session. Most counselors had been moved: to different cabins, to different co-counselors, some even to different age groups. Tony and Azira were staying together in Cabin 4. Tony couldn’t decide if that was lucky or not. Because of course they wanted to stay with Azira. But maybe it wouldn’t be so great, when she was secretly dating Newt.

Tony sighed as they played with a peeling bit of wood from the bench they were sitting on.

They needed to talk to Azira. Get her to open up to them, because they couldn’t stand the idea of being shut out. Their friendship had never been one where they talked about crushes or dating. But Tony could talk about that stuff. If it was what Azira wanted to talk about. At least if it was out in the open, then maybe their friendship could return to some level of normalcy. 

As Tony carefully made their way back down the trail, they resolved to say something,  _ anything,  _ before Session Break. 

The perfect opportunity arrived that night.

Tony and Azira were left behind in the Girls Middler Lodge cleaning up from their last line meeting of the session. Azira was picking up the paper bowls from the popcorn and m&ms she’d brought to the meeting for the counselors to enjoy as a special treat. Tony was on the floor, straightening the stack of end of session surveys all the counselors had filled out. 

“I’m assuming you are doing something with Newt over session break,” Tony said casually. They didn’t look at her, focused only on the stack of papers. 

Session Break was two nights. It was plenty of time for counselors, to, well, get  _ alone  _ time with people they didn’t usually have leave with. But. Maybe Azira wouldn’t be brave enough to share her feelings with Newt, and then maybe at least their inevitable happiness would be delayed.

“What? Oh, no, I don’t think so,” she said absently, adding another bowl to the steadily growing stack in her arms. “I haven’t talked to him. Did he say something to you?”

She was dodging the question.

Tony tried to suppress the irritation bubbling up, tried to keep a cool demeanor. “Nah. I just thought. You know. You two seem  _ so close.” _ They glanced at her, certain this would pull it out of her. Thinking if it didn’t, then she  _ had _ to be shutting them out.

“Oh!” She paused to look at Tony thoughtfully. “I suppose we are! I do like him quite a bit.” 

“You don’t have to do that,” Tony said flatly, feeling more frustrated than was fair.

“Do what?”

“Play dumb.”

“Dumb?” Azira crinkled her eyebrows. She looked confused and hurt.

They couldn’t stand it, her pretending nothing was going on. It felt like a violation of their friendship. Couldn’t they talk about anything? Isn’t that what Azira herself had promised, back when they were sixteen? “You know that I know,” Tony snapped. “We talked about it before the dance. And then I  _ overheard  _ you talking to Anathema.” They never meant to say it so harshly.

The color drained from Azira’s face.

“You, um. You heard me?” She sounded like an injured bird and she looked ready to burst into tears. 

Tony cringed. 

They looked back at the papers, feeling the weight of their shame. “Yeah.”

“So, then.” She cleared her throat. “I suppose you don’t want to hang out with me during Session Break?” Her voice was very formal, if a little wobbly and high pitched.

Tony looked at her, surprised by her question. “Of course I want to hang out with you! I just don’t want…” They looked down. “You know.”  _ To be a third wheel. To invade on your time with your ‘special someone’. To see you give googly eyes to someone else. _

“Mmm,” was all Azira said in response. She started picking up the bowls rapidly, like it was all she could do not to run right out of the lodge.

Tony closed their eyes and collected up their broken pieces of pride. They looked at Azira, who was not looking back. “I’m sorry. That I snapped. I’m mostly just,” they sighed. They sat back and pulled their knees to their chest. “Mad that you told Anathema instead of me. But, I mean, you  _ can  _ talk to me about it. And I’m happy for you. You two, uh. You two go well together.”

Azira froze, hand reaching for a bowl, and looked at Tony for the first time since she’d started frantically collecting them. “Us two?” Azira asked in puzzlement. Her furrowed brows rose in surprise, her eyes widening. “Did you think  _ Newt  _ was who I was _ … _ ” She tried to gesture, but it was hard with all the bowls.

“Yes?” It had been what all the signs had been pointing at, hadn’t it?

“Oh, goodness, this is  _ mortifying _ .” She bit her lip and shook her head frantically. “There’s definitely not anything.. what I mean to say is… when I say I like him, I  _ don’t mean _ …” she paused, like she was at a loss for words. She looked a little like someone had just told her she’d been wearing her shirt inside out all day. “The thing is, Tony,” she said hastily. “I swing for the  _ other  _ team. So there wouldn’t be any…. well, not to say that there are only two teams! I don’t mean to imply...” 

She was speaking rapidly, but Tony caught on quickly. Their heartbeat picked up as they cut Azira off. “You don’t like men?” 

Azira shut her mouth and nodded with wide eyes.

Should they have felt relieved or worried? The thing with Newt was definitely out. But who’d she been talking about before?

“But, you see, Tony,” she burst. “I don’t only like  _ women.  _ Obviously.” She gestured vaguely again. “I mean, maybe not obviously! Oh, God, Tony!” It was painful and embarrassing to watch Azira struggle, but Tony was powerless to do anything about it. Azira bit a trembling lip and looked up at the lodge ceiling as if seeking guidance from above. Her face was horribly red and blotchy.

Tony tried their best to summon their meager courage. They could talk to their friend, couldn’t they? “If you don’t mind telling me,” Tony asked cautiously, their heart hammering. A flower of hope sprouted in their chest. They stamped it out. “Who were you talking about? With Anathema?”

Azira slowly lowered her gaze again to Tony, her face sheepish. Tony braced themself for rejection. 

“I was talking about  _ you,  _ Tony,” Azira said softly. “I really like you. In a romantic way. I hope…” She took a breath. “I hope that’s okay to say.”

If they had been a cartoon character, Tony’s jaw would have dropped to the floor. As it stood, they just stared blankly with their mouth slightly open, dumbfounded. They were unprepared. Because they hadn’t known they would have to confess their feelings! They didn’t even know how to start!

Azira’s face crumbled. “Oh  _ dear.  _ I shouldn’t have said anything.” She started pacing, the stack of bowls in her arms wobbling dangerously. “I was reading the signs wrong… I mean, picking up on signals that weren’t there, wasn’t I? Now I’ve made everything weird.” 

“Azira-”

“And after I  _ begged  _ you to come here! If you want to quit, I understand. You shouldn’t, because you are a  _ really good _ counselor.” She tripped, sending the paper bowls and popcorn kernels flying. “We can move you to another line!” she shouted from her belly on the floor. “Far away from me!”

“Azira-”

She started crawling around on all fours, trying to collect the bowls again frantically. “You would be great with the older kids! I know we were supposed to stay co-counselors, but I’m sure we can do a last minute change for next session… I know, I _know,_ this makes our friendship weird, and I promise you, I’m okay with just being friends-“

“ _ Azira!” _

Azira clamped her mouth shut and looked at Tony, frozen in her crawling position, glasses askew, eyes wide with distress.

Tony felt like there were cotton balls stuck in their throat, but they had to be out with it to stop this madness. Tony could feel themself reddening as they opened their mouth to speak. They pulled their legs in tighter.

“I, um. I like you too,” they said, too softly. “Ro- uh. Romantically.”

“You do?” Azira asked, matching Tony’s softness.

Tony looked away and nodded.

Azira let out a sigh of relief, adjusting her glasses and sitting up in a cross-legged position. “Well, that’s, um. That’s good, isn’t it?” 

Tony nodded again, not able to turn back to meet Azira’s eyes.

It  _ was _ a good thing. It was a  _ wonderful _ thing. It was the most flabbergasting, extraordinary, incomprehensibly  _ terrific  _ thing.

And it was terrifying.

Tony tugged at their collar, feeling it’s tightness, feeling the heat wrapping around their neck like a ring of flames. “Do you, um… want to…” Tony tried, because it seemed like the appropriate thing to say next. “I mean, Friday night…”

“Yes!” Azira burst.

“I didn’t ask you anything yet,” Tony said, momentarily forgetting their embarrassment to turn and look at the ridiculous girl across from them.

She clasped her hands over her mouth, stifling a giggle. “So sorry! Go ahead!”

Tony swallowed nervously. They could do this. She’d already said yes!

“Dinner?” they managed to croak.

Azira nodded happily, her eyes filled to the brim with unadulterated joy. “It’s a date!”

And it  _ was  _ a date, wasn’t it?

Azira quietly finished picking up the bowls, smiling and blushing.

Tony found a broom to sweep up the mess of popcorn kernels, avoiding eye contact with Azira as much as they could. 

It was… incredibly awkward. Because Tony couldn’t run away and hide anywhere to process this. They couldn’t sit alone somewhere in the dark and go over everything that just happened and rethink every misinterpreted interaction. They had to return with Azira to a cabin full of kids and pretend that everything was normal. 

At least the kids were already in bed. At least when Azira and Tony completed their painfully long and quiet walk back to the cabin and thanked the Cadet camper that had babysat the kids while they were in the meeting, Tony could escape to the safety of their bed. At least they could crawl under the covers and pull their blanket over their head, and then maybe they could have time to think.

Would it be so bad to skip brushing their teeth? They didn’t want to risk having to stand next to Azira in the bathroom, or walk past her at the cabin door, or have to interact with her in any way. They wanted to stay in a cocoon while their brain went into overdrive. So when they crawled into bed like a nervous turtle, they didn’t bother putting on pajamas.

Tony wasn’t entirely sure why they were freaking out so much. Wasn’t this exactly what they wanted? To find out that they and Azira had  _ mutual _ romantic feelings for each other? That  _ they  _ were the mystery counselor she’d told Anathema about? Why did the thought of a chance to bring to fruition all of their fantasies make Tony want to throw up?

Probably because they knew if the date went horribly wrong, that would make the rest of the summer unbearable. Maybe they  _ should  _ switch cabins for next session. Just in case.

But, maybe this was the skits all over again. Maybe Tony was being overly nervous, maybe it would go better than Tony could imagine, maybe the outcome would be worth the upfront cost of vulnerability.

Tony clung to that possibility as they tried their best to shut off their brain and fall asleep.

* * *

Tony woke up to a pounding of rain on the cabin roof that matched the pounding in their head.

They’d barely slept. Their clothes were pressed against their body uncomfortably. They remembered that they would have to perform normalcy for their kids on their last full day of camp, with Azira right there the whole time, and that made everything worse.

Everyone spent all day trying to stay dry, and Azira spent all day smiling at Tony when she thought they weren’t looking. 

First during the camp play, when Tony admittedly got a little teary eyed watching Claire as the Red Queen, Lydia as Tweedle Dee, and Olivia as the Cheshire Cat in  _ Alice in Wonderland.  _

Then, after lunch, when the campers performed “Counselor Impersonation” skits in the lodges. Azira sat close enough to Tony for their arms to touch. She laughed and looked at Tony softly when Emily re-enacted Azira screaming after seeing a spricket that night Tony was gone. Claire played the spricket. Tony laughed when Lydia pretended to be Tony rescuing the snake from that cabin. Azira rubbed their arm with the back of her hand affectionately and Tony had to try not to blush.

When the night arrived, the rain finally stopped, and the whole camp packed into the benches around the campfire pit at the center of camp. Mr. Shadwell was building up a massive fire. He was Tracy’s husband, and he was only ever around camp to take groups on out of camp trips and to build the Closing Campfire. It was an impressive fire after all of that rain. Tony craned their neck from their seat several rows back, trying to take mental notes. They always struggled on campfire days in WiN after a big rain.

Closing Campfire was long and emotional. Campers and counselors made speeches about their camp experiences by the light of flames, the stars twinkling above them. Mary read a poem about summer nights and lifelong friends. Tracy lit a candle from the fire and the flames were passed until every camper and counselor had a lit candle, like a Christmas Eve service. There was singing about camp days and memories to take through winter.

Tony tried not to look at Azira. They tried not to cry. They weren’t very successful.

When they made it back to the cabin, the ducklings refused to go to sleep, piling together on the floor with blankets, wanting to stay up all night together. Neither Tony nor Azira had the heart not to let them. It didn’t take long for them to start dropping off, falling asleep on the floor or giving up and crawling into their beds.

The first half of the next day consisted of a lot of waiting, with campers sitting among their pillows and backpacks, piled together making friendship bracelets and lanyards on Star Hill. There was crying and excited screams. Younger kids flung themselves into their parent’s arms, older kids had to be torn from their friends. Tony watched it all.

Tony sat behind Claire, braiding her hair one last time. She was the only one who asked Tony instead of Azira, who had already braided all the rest of the camper’s hair before she’d gone down to the sports field, where she was helping load trunks into cars after the parents got their kids.

Tony was full of emotions- sadness about having to say goodbye to these kids, stress over the anticipation of having to clean up the cabin once they were gone, a mix of excitement and dread bubbling in their stomach for what awaited them tonight...

They made it down to the end of Claire’s second braid, and then they took the braids out and started again. At least they were getting good practice, and Claire liked the attention.

After a while, Tony searched for Newt on the hill. He was further down, surrounded by his own campers, many of whom seemed to be playing some kind of battle card game. Newt looked up and saw Tony staring. He gave a big smile and waved. Tony smiled back. They had been really unfair to him. He was really very nice.

The campers were picked off, one by one, each time more dramatic than the next, as the remaining ducklings became more and more overpowered with tears- whether because they were having to say goodbye to their friends or because they were the one’s whose parents still hadn’t come for them, it was hard to tell. It was probably a mix of both.

“I think that’s my mom’s car!” Claire suddenly called, bouncing up to her knees to get a better look at the line of vehicles inching up the gravel drive. Tony lost hold of her hair as she got up, frantically pulling her scattered things together. 

“Only one side is braided,” Tony said helplessly.

“Oh, right!” Claire said, sitting down again quickly. “Finish it quick, I don’t want to miss my parents!”

Tony did Claire’s second braid a little faster than they’d been before. “They won’t leave without you,” Tony said. Claire ignored them. They suddenly felt like chopped liver.

As soon as her braids were done, Claire picked up her backpack and pillow and started running down the hill. Tony picked up everything she left behind.

Tony greeted Claire’s parents. Did the obligatory “thanks for taking care of her” and “she’s a great kid.” Helped load up the car. 

“Crow did my hair!” Claire excitedly told her mom. 

Her mom responded with a “That’s great, honey!” while her dad discreetly slipped a twenty into Tony’s hand. Surprised, Tony shoved it in their pocket quickly.

“We’ll see you next year, I hope?” Claire’s dad asked.

“Uhh.”

“You have to come back next year!” Claire exclaimed, and Tony was important again. She flung herself at Tony, hugging them tightly. 

“Maybe,” Tony said awkwardly.

“Promise me!!” 

Tony smiled. “I’ll try my best.”

Satisfied, Claire got into the back seat of her mom’s car and they drove away, just like that. 

Tony was left aimless. They wandered back up the hill to rejoin their remaining campers. 

When Lydia left, she gave them a very sweet drawing, and Tony’s eyes welled up. It was a drawing of her and Tony all surrounded by insects and leaves and a campfire with s’mores. Lydia hugged them, silent tears rolling down her cheeks, before she got into her own car and was driven away.

It all felt too sudden, when they were left camperless. 

There was nothing left to do but head back to the cabin and get started on the behemoth of a task ahead of them: cleaning the cabin. It didn’t take long for Azira to return from the sports field to join them.

“How’d it go?” Azira asked shyly, entering the cabin and finding Tony on their hands and knees fishing junk out from under one of the bunk beds (flashlights, bottles of bug spray, a shoe). Tony started and hit their head on the bottom of the bunk. 

“Sorry!” Azira said.

“I’m good.” Tony sat up properly, trying their best not to blush, rubbing their head where they’d hurt it. “How’d what go?”

“The goodbyes?”

“Oh.” Tony frowned. “It was really hard.”

Azira slipped onto the floor, leaning against the foot of Tony’s bed, across from them. “It doesn’t get easier,” she said softly. 

“Mmm.” Tony looked down. “Hey, did Claire’s dad give you twenty bucks?”

Azira chuckled. “Yes.”

“That was weird, right?”

Azira shrugged. “Some parents tip. Just don’t report it.”

“That’s okay?”

“Well… it’s under the table, but don’t worry about it. It happens all the time.”

Tony nodded despite feeling a little uncertain. 

“Wanna know about the weirdest tip I ever got?” Azira asked, lighting up.

Tony smiled. “Shoot.”

“It was sixty three dollars and 14 cents.”

“That’s very specific.”

Azira giggled as she crawled toward Tony so she was sitting next to them. “This older lady pulled a bunch of random bills and loose coins straight from her purse, she didn’t even have a wallet! I think there were loose candies in there too. She was confused when she met the other counselor down at the sports field and told her she’d already tipped me and that we should split it. So we dumped it out onto one of our beds and counted it out and had to do  _ math _ .” 

“So you ended up with thirty one dollars and fifty seven cents?”

Azira’s jaw dropped in delight. “Stop showing off! I had to work that out on paper!”

Tony laughed.

Azira crossed her arms, but she was blushing. “Come on, you jerk! We have a lot of cleaning to do.”

Tony blushed, too, and looked away. Azira was sitting really close. “Yeah, okay,” they said instead of ribbing her more. It was still awkward, just being with her, but they still had work to do. Better to ignore it and sort out their emotions later. 

They looked under all the beds for left behind stuff. They collected the things worth keeping and threw everything else away. They swept and dusted and wiped down all of the mattresses with disinfectant wipes. They focused solely on the task and pretended very hard that everything was normal.

They had to stop for lunch, and it was a sad and lonely lunch, the campers all having gone. But then they were right back to work, getting hot and sweaty and somehow covered in dirt.

When they were done, or as done as they could be, the two of them surveyed their work from the cabin entrance. The cabin looked lifeless and empty. Tony didn’t want to let go of their broom.

“I’m going to shower,” Azira announced, collecting her towel and shower caddy.

“Okay,” Tony said. They finally rested the broom against the wall by the door.

“Um…” Azira went pink. “About tonight…”

Tony raised their eyebrows, the excitement and dread returning like a tidal wave.

“Did you have a time in mind…?” Azira asked cautiously.

Shit. They hadn’t thought of anything. As the asker, they were supposed to have a plan, right? They hadn’t even considered having to choose a  _ restaurant _ . They’d been too busy avoiding thinking about it. There was still time to run up to the staff lounge and use one of the 3 computers in there to search Google maps, right? Not that there were that many places in Brevard, but they wanted to choose someplace at least a little nice. Azira was still waiting for an answer. “Um. Maybe six?”

Azira smiled and nodded shyly. “Okay. Meet here?” Tony nodded. Azira turned to leave the cabin, but, with one hand on the door, she looked back. “Unless you already have an idea… I know a sweet little place in downtown Brevard.” 

Oh, thank God. “Yeah. That. Your place would be good.”

Azira giggled. “Okay. I’ll, um. Well. I’m just going to…” she gestured to the door.

“Yep,” Tony said, their hand going to their hair reflexively.

When she was gone, Tony went straight for their trunk.

What the  _ hell _ were they going to wear?

They hadn’t brought date clothes to camp. Why would they have? How could they have fathomed that they would find themself on a date? Tony wasn’t even sure what people wore to dates. Their only experience was school dances, and they hadn’t been to many of those.

They dug out a dark pair of skinny jeans. Those were a good stand in for nicer pants, right? They didn’t have many other options. They couldn’t wear a t-shirt or one of their Dad Hawaiian shirts. They dug around for a somewhat nice button down. 

They found the bowtie that they had entirely forgotten packing. It had been flung in at the last minute when Tony had been attempting to come up with zany costume pieces to bring, and had since migrated to the very bottom of their trunk when they hadn’t used it all session.

It was a real bowtie. From the senior prom their mom had bullied them into going to. Tony pulled it out and placed it with the jeans they had already piled on their bed.

They pulled out three potential shirts to compare in front of one of those tiny bathroom mirrors, then they gathered up all of their clothes along with their shower stuff. They had to find a different set of showers… they  _ could not _ shower at the same time as Azira, in a shower in her vicinity, and they wanted to be able to get ready without the possibility of running into her in the bathroom. Anyways, it would be better to give her space, too, right? It was unconventional, getting ready for a date with someone who slept six feet away from you.

They knew they needed to find a different line to get ready on, but  _ which one _ ? Who did they know that could vouch for them being on the wrong line? Anathema was on this one, and Tony didn’t have any other friends. 

And then it hit them. There wasn’t anything else to do. Feeling entirely ridiculous, they Pink Panthered their way across camp to Newt’s line, clothes and towel clutched in their arms.

Tony didn’t actually know which cabin was his, so as they walked through the Boy’s Middler cabins, they tried to casually peek through the windows. They hoped to God Newt was in one of them. Cabin 3 hit gold.

Through the window, Tony could see Newt sitting on his bed, reading  _ Computer Science for Dummies.  _ They knocked on the door.

Newt started and looked around himself, perplexed, like he’d never heard a knock before. He finally saw Tony and blinked up at them through his square glasses. He jumped up and opened the door, for which Tony was thankful, because they were getting ready to lose hold of all their things. 

“Hey, I, uh…” Tony started. Newt took the shower caddy from them, and they were able to readjust their grasp on their clothes. They considered how to proceed with their explanation as Newt looked at them, kindly expectant. “Would you mind if I, sort of…” A pathetic excuse came to their head. “The showers in my line. All of the drains are clogged?”

The confused look on Newt’s face told Tony that their lie wasn’t very convincing. 

“I was thinking I could shower here? On this line. You know...maybe you could sort of vouch for me? Because we’re friends. Right?”

Newt’s eyebrows rose in surprise, but he said, “Of course.”

Tony let out a breath of relief. “I guess I’ll go, um. Shower then,” they said, feeling ridiculous that they were practically asking permission to use a common shower. 

“I’ll hang around outside the showers?” Newt offered.

“Yeah, that’d be good.”

The weirdness wasn’t about using the boys’ showers- Tony could care less about that. It was about the suspicion that they feared being on a different line would engender. They hadn’t forgotten that counselor dating was forbidden. It was probably for the best that as few people as possible caught wind of this. Dragging three shirts to a different line probably wasn’t the stealthiest start.

After their shower, they threw on their clothes and headed for the bathroom to compare shirts. The bowtie was shoved in their back pocket. The jury was still out on whether they would wear it.

After fussing for probably far too long, they settled on the one with thin vertical stripes. It was only slightly wrinkled. Next for fussing was their hair. They put the tiniest bit of gel in, trying to fluff it up without looking like a greaser. They wanted to go for Tenth Doctor in Doctor who, but they weren’t sure if they could pull it off.

“What the hell are  _ you  _ doing here?” Beez’s voice was unmistakable. 

“I’m just-” they started, not sure how to respond. 

Beez looked Tony up and down. “Never mind. I don’t really care,” they said.

Tony breathed a sigh of relief as Beez entered a bathroom stall, but they figured they’d run their luck. They gathered their stuff and met Newt, who was sitting in a Crazy Creek outside the bathroom. Newt looked up from his book, which Tony could now see was full of highlights and scribbles, notes crossed out and rewritten, math in the margins. Tony nodded towards Newt’s cabin and Newt followed them to it. Tony let out a breath when they were safely inside, dumping their stuff on the floor as Newt settled back on his bed.

“Computer science, huh?” Tony asked, from lack of anything better to say.

Newt frowned. It was the first time they’d seen him frown. “I love computers, but they don’t love me.”

Tony had no idea how to respond to that. “I’m sorry,” they tried.

Newt shrugged. “It’s okay. At least I have the loom.”

“Uhh, sure.” There was some awkward silence, but Tony pushed forward. “Hey, uh...do you mind if I hang out here a while longer? Just, you know. Until it’s closer to dinner time. I have plans for dinner, I mean. But, you know. Until then.”

Newt tilted his head and looked at Tony thoughtfully. “You should wear the bowtie.” he said. “I think Angel’d like that.”

Tony’s eyes widened. 

Newt looked scared for a moment, like he’d broken a promise. “It’s okay! I’m not going to tell anyone!”

Tony let out a breath and pulled the bowtie from their back pocket. 

After combining their and Newt’s knowledge of how to tie a bowtie and spending several hours rifling through Newt’s comic book collection, Tony made their way back to their own line. 

Azira wasn’t in the cabin when they got there, and they were able to stow the evidence of their escapade.

They had their foot up on their bed, adjusting the cuffs on the bottoms of their jeans and tightening up their shoelaces on their converses when Azira walked in. Tony stood up quickly, brushing themself off.

Azira was wearing a headlamp around her neck like a necklace, but otherwise, she was entirely dressed up. Her hair was unbraided and fell in delicate, loose curls, held back only by a blue and white plaid headband with a bow. She wasn’t wearing her glasses, and Tony missed them a little, but then they got distracted by her dress. 

It was exactly the blue of her headband. Delicate as her curls, the flared satin skirt fell just below her knees. Tony was incredibly thankful the halter top went up to her neck because just seeing her exposed shoulders in that dress was enough to make them forget how to speak. It was simple and understated, and also far too nice to have been stuffed in a trunk shoved under a camp bed.

Instead of complimenting her, like a good date would, Tony said, “You brought that dress to camp with you?” somewhat in disbelief.

Azira giggled. “It’s not like when we were campers, Tony. Twelve weeks is a long time to be in the woods! It’s nice to get cleaned up and have something nice to wear now and then. Anyways, you’re one to talk.” She gestured to Tony.

Tony looked down at their clothes. They didn’t know what she was talking about. They felt vastly underdressed.

“You look really sharp, by the way,” Azira said, somewhat shyly. She clasped her hands behind her back and looked at her feet. 

“Thank you,” Tony said. “You look, um.” They took a deep breath. “You look really beautiful.”

Azira didn’t look up, but Tony could see her smiling and her face turning the loveliest shade of deep pink.

“Um. Shall we?” Tony asked, sweeping an arm out to indicate the door.

Azira nodded and they both turned to walk together shyly.

They almost made it out of the main part of camp and to the gravel drive that went to their cars unimpeded. They were at the bottom of Star Hill, in fact, when a voice drifted down from above their heads, stopping them in their tracks.

“Don’t you two just look spiffy!” 

Tracy was hanging out of the front camp lookout tower. What was she doing up there? Camp wasn’t even in session!

“Thank you, Tracy!” Azira called up to her.

“I’m just up here making sure everyone leaves and returns safely! Oh, how are you two spending your night off tonight, hmm?”

“Just dinner, Tracy. We won’t be out long!” Azira called up again.

“Oh! No worries, dears, you stay out as long as you like! No campers to worry about tonight! Ah,” she said dreamily, “I can just remember those days as a counselor, there’s just something special about Session Break. I would get dressed up just like you are now and I would get into all kinds of trouble…” She looked down at them sternly, then. “Don’t you two get into any trouble, now! If you do, though, you have my number. I’m ready to come get you at a moment’s notice. Spread the word! I can’t be losing any of my wonderful counselors!”

Azira looked at Tony, clearly holding back a giggle. “Thank you, Tracy!” she called again.

“Well, don’t let me keep you! Go along, now! Have fun! And don’t do anything I would do!”

“Goodnight, Tracy!”

With that, they managed to escape. Azira turned on her light as she and Tony turned the bend, moving out of the light of camp and out of sight of Tracy and the lookout tower.

“Well that was awkward,” Tony whispered, as the two of them power walked their way down the gravel drive that led to the parking area.

“It’s okay,” Azira whispered back. “I don’t think she suspects anything. She was just being her usual weird self.”

“She’s pretty weird, isn’t she?” Tony asked.

Azira giggled. “Oh! But I like her.”

Tony smiled. They liked her too.

When the muddy ‘parking lot’ came into view, full of staff cars, Tony pointed out their vintage beetle. Azira surged ahead, running towards it in excitement.

“Oh, Tony! Your car! In real life!” She circled around it, examining it like a child with a new toy. “It’s so cool, Tony!” she exclaimed. 

“Thank you,” Tony said, making their way to the passenger’s side door and trying their best to be suave. After manually unlocking it, they held the passenger door open for Azira.

“Oh! Why thank you,” she said, with a blush. She carefully scooped up the skirt of her dress as she stepped into the seat and gingerly sat down.

Tony gently closed her door and walked around the car, sliding into the driver’s side, putting the car into gear, and turning the ignition. They pressed on the gas and… the wheels spun, but the car didn’t move. 

The car was stuck in the mud. Great.

“I’ll get out and push!” Azira offered.

“No, no, no!” Tony responded in horror. This was not how nice dates were supposed to go. “You’re in that pretty dress! You’ll get it dirty!”

“I may be girly, Tony, but I don’t mind getting a little dirty. And if my dress gets a few mud stains, it’s not the end of the world.” And then she stubbornly got out of the car and went to the front of it to push.

Tony watched as Azira adjusted her headband before getting into a solid stance and putting her hands on the front of the car. There was no way one person would be able to push hard enough to get this car out of the mud, this was completely ridiculous. But if they didn’t try, that was the end of the date, wasn’t it?

Tony tried pressing on the gas again while Azira pushed. 

Nothing.

Tony looked helplessly out the windshield at Azira. She made a circling gesture as if asking Tony to try again.

They did.

Nothing.

Azira made her way around to the driver’s side and signaled for Tony to roll down their window. 

When Tony did, they found Azira inches from their face, crouching at the window with a wild look on her face. That couldn’t be good.

“I’ve got an idea!” she said.

_ Oh no.  _ “Okay…” Tony responded. They knew that no matter how hairbrained of an idea it was, Azira wouldn’t let it go easily. They were afraid that whatever it was would be more trouble than it was worth. They debated suggesting they just go back up to the cabin.

“Put the car in neutral and then come out here with me.”

Tony did what she said, stepping out of the car. When they closed the door and looked at Azira’s feet, they saw that she had mud caked up to her ankles. Her poor ballet flats! Tony didn’t know what kind of face they were making, but it must have been something pitiful.

“Don’t  _ worry,  _ Tony! These are like ten-dollar shoes. I practically have to get new ones every three months, anyways! Right now, we need to focus. Look at me.”

Tony looked up at Azira’s face and Azira clamped her hands on their shoulders. 

“We need to find sturdy, dry branches. We are going to put a line of them behind both front wheels, and then we are both going to push. Okay?”

Tony nodded. 

It wasn’t going to work. This was horrible. They would have to turn back. Curse Camp Falling Star and their pathetic excuse for a parking lot! 

Tony went past the cars into the trees, anyways, searching for branches. They tried not to witness Azira scrounging around in the woods, ruining her dress. They tried not to get mud on their own nice clothes. They came up with a bundle of branches and returned to the car to line them up behind one of the front wheels, very careful not to muddy their jeans. Azira did the same on the other side.

“Perfect!” she said, happily. She was far too confident in her plan.

Tony followed it anyways.

Together, they pushed on the car. With a disgusting squishing sound, and a splatter of mud, the car actually seemed to budge. Tony went around to one of the tires. It was partially on the sticks. They knelt down to straighten them out again and then went back to the front of the car, where Azira was returning from doing the same on the other side. It was slow and grueling, but they went on like that until Azira decided it was good enough for Tony to try getting behind the wheel.

When Tony finally swung their car onto the gravel road, it felt like a miracle. Azira clapped in delight and ran to the passenger seat when Tony stopped the car to wait for her to get back in.

Tony let out a long breath. It was already starting to get dark. 

They had napkins in their glove compartment. They and Azira each quietly tried their best to get the mud of their shoes and ankles. At least it was better than nothing. At least they’d be able get out of the camp property. The napkins were wadded and stuffed into Tony’s cupholders.

Tony gripped the steering wheel. “So this place you know?” they asked.

The restaurant was in downtown Brevard, off one of three main streets. It was tucked away, next to the chocolate shop, with seating in an outdoor courtyard all strung up with globe lights.

The fact that it was dark was actually nice. It gave the space a nicer ambience, and Tony didn’t have to worry so much about whether Azira could see them blushing. They sat outside in a corner table next to some flower bushes. None of the staff said anything about the dried mud they both still had caked on their shoes.

Tony didn’t know what to say, or if they should say anything, so they just concentrated on looking at their menu. Azira did the same.

“Oh!” Azira burst excitedly after a while. “Should I try the crab cakes?”

Tony snorted. “Definitely not. In western North Carolina? No way could those be good. Wait until you come up to Maryland, then you can have a  _ real _ crab cake.” Oh God, did they just invite her to visit them in Maryland? Tony felt themself reddening and they focused again on their menu, hoping their comment would dissolve into the night air, like it had never happened.

“You will have to take me to the best crab cake restaurant,” Azira said, with a confidence that made Tony feel suddenly better.

“That’s any restaurant in Maryland,” they said, smiling. “I mean, it can be the shittiest restaurant you’ve ever been to, but the crab cakes will be good.”

“You are sort of a semi-vegetarian, right?” 

“What?” 

“I mean, you haven’t eaten red meat all summer. But you’ve eaten chicken, and you like crab cakes.” 

“Oh. Yeah.” How had she noticed that? They looked at their menu instead of Azira. “I guess I’d sort of like to be a vegetarian. But I haven’t committed yet. And I don’t know if I can.” They felt silly, admitting to their lack of will. But it didn’t feel like Azira was judging them. “Particularly seafood, you know? It would be like a sin as a Marylander.”

Azira giggled, and that was nice. This was nice.

“We need to be careful, you know,” Azira said suddenly.

“What?” Tony looked up. They weren’t sure what she was talking about.

“I mean, assuming you want to continue this…”

“Oh.”

“Not because I am embarrassed! I would be proud to say that you are my…” Azira went very pink. “I mean, I suppose it’s too early to say… what I mean is, it’s not that I don’t want people to know about…” she gestured between them. “But if Tracy or Mary found out we were…” she took a moment to think of a word. Tony felt themself getting embarrassed on her behalf. “ _ Involved,”  _ she said finally. “Well… we’d be in big trouble.”

“Are you sure that you want...?”

“Oh, it’s fine! People do it all the time!”

“People do it all the time?” Tony was skeptical.

“Well… I know of at least one couple that did it two summers ago.”

“And they got away with it?”

Azira’s face fell. “Well, no,” she said carefully. “They got caught.”

That wasn’t very reassuring. “What happened to them?”

“They were told to end their relationship for the duration of camp and then they were systematically kept apart all summer.”

Tony’s eyes widened. They lowered their menu. “What do you mean ‘systematically kept apart’?”

Azira rested her menu on the table and clasped her hands together. “They were put with different age groups and any time there was an all camp activity, they were intentionally stationed at opposite sides of camp or one of them was given busy work to be kept away from the other. They hardly got to see each other.”

“Oh.” Tony swallowed. They hadn’t considered what it would be like to be at camp without Azira. Not being co-counselors was one thing, but never seeing each other…? Their breathing started to pick up. They weren’t sure they could be a good counselor alone. They were gripping their menu too tight. Azira gently put a hand on one of theirs.

“We won’t get caught. I promise,” Azira said firmly, that fierce stubbornness blazing in her eyes.

Tony tried to believe her. They took deeper breaths, anyways.

Azra left the subject there, but it put a damper on the mood until their food came. Their plates gave them a new conversation topic, and Tony tried to remember to calm down and enjoy the date. The food warmed them up and lifted their spirits. 

Azira was right. She had to be. She knew better than Tony. They relaxed into the date. They quickly fell back into their usual chatter and banter with Azira. They felt good, this was good.

When the server asked if they were splitting the check, Azira said, “Together,” before Tony even had time to process the question. She pulled out a card and handed it to the server.

“You don’t have to…” Tony protested.

“I insist,” she said firmly. Tony didn’t like that she paid for the date they’d asked her on, but they knew better than to argue with Azira. And anyways, it was actually sweet.

After dinner, they walked over to the chocolate shop. It, like everything else in Brevard after 8pm, was closed, but they looked through the dark windows at the fancy carved chocolates, anyways. 

“We can come back tomorrow,” Tony offered. “In the morning? I’ll buy you some, to pay you back for the dinner.”

“Dinner was a gift,” Azira said sternly. “But yes, I will accept chocolate.” She looked at the window, smiling just a little bit mischievously. “We should go as a group tomorrow, though,” she added, as if as an afterthought. “You know, just to lessen suspicion. We can invite Anathema. She already knows, anyways, so we won’t have to act weird…”

“Yeah, okay,” Tony said. “Newt, too. So Anathema doesn’t have to be third wheel. And…” Tony felt guilty revealing this, since they’d just had that talk about how important secrecy was, but good relationships were grounded in honesty, right? “Newt knows, too,” they said. 

Instead of getting mad, Azira smiled. “I’m so glad you two are becoming friends!”

“We’re not really… yeah, okay, maybe we are kind of friends.”

Azira giggled and leaned back against the chocolate shop window. She was looking at Tony with a soft smile, fluttering her eyes a little. Her cheeks were a light pink, like some of the sunset got caught in them.

She looked radiant.

She wasn’t speaking, but she also wasn’t moving. Like she didn’t quite want to leave yet. She looked almost like she was waiting for something to happen. Waiting for Tony to do something. 

Did she… did she want Tony to kiss her?

A surge of boldness washed over them and they took a small step toward Azira without breaking eye contact.

Azira looked down, her face becoming even pinker, and the boldness drained out of Tony’s body all at once, gone as quickly as it had come. When Azira looked back up, her smile was even bigger, but it was too late, the moment had passed. Tony had turned, jutting out an elbow in offering. They swallowed nervously as they felt Azira’s hands wrap around their arm.

Tony had never kissed anyone before. Had Azira kissed someone? How didn’t Tony know? How had they talked about everything under the sun, for years and years, but never about this? 

Azira had to have kissed someone before. The fact that Tony hadn’t, at age 20- it was embarrassing. It was the right choice, not going for it. Tony wouldn’t have done it right. Probably would have ruined everything. Azira would have been disappointed, and that would have been the end of  _ this _ , whatever this was.

When they made it back to Tony’s car, parked on the main street in Brevard, Tony kicked themself for missing their chance. Because they realized on the walk that they  _ did  _ want to kiss Azira. But this area was much brighter and far less hidden.

They went to the passenger side door and opened it, feeling just a little bit dejected. 

Azira looked at the seat, but then looked back up at Tony. She stepped towards them and rose onto her tiptoes. She was going to do it, right in the middle of Main Street, under the bright street lights. At least there was hardly anyone around, Brevard was a very sleepy town. Tony waited to feel her lips, but she paused about an inch away. Her eyes looked imploring. She was waiting for them to answer her silent question. 

She was usually so forceful about what she wanted. Now, the one time Tony might have preferred she plow forward, she was being considerate? 

They had to do it. They couldn’t not do it. She was right there!

They closed the distance. 

It was sweet and soft and couldn’t have lasted more than a minute. Just long enough for Tony to get a taste of the cake Azira’d had for dessert, the sugar still lingering in her mouth. It was perfect.

Azira smiled and got into the car. 

Back at camp, they walked up the steep gravel hill, daring to hold hands, using the cover of darkness and the lack of other counselors as a justification. When they heard footsteps of other counselors, they let go. 

Getting ready for bed was awkward and giggly. They didn’t continue their tradition of sitting on Tony’s bed together- it was already late and Tony didn’t want to cast any bad luck on what was already such a successful night. They each slipped into bed, instead. 

Tony fell asleep feeling like they were floating on clouds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's song is Things I'll Never Say by Avril Lavigne (this is not exactly Avril's punkest song, but how could I resist?? How perfect is this for our shy Tony???)
> 
> Also, my friends, it _does not matter_ how old (or young) you are when you have your first kiss. I forced my first kiss because I was so self conscious about it, and it wasn't worth it. (Not that that scarred me or anything, kissing is not as big a deal as we are led to believe, I promise.)


	6. 2nd Session, Part 1 (Dirty Little Secret)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Oh my gosh, I can’t believe it’s already December and this is the first Tony Tuesday since mid September!!!_  
>  I would like to give a big shout out to the _literal team of people_ helping me make this fic as good as possible:
> 
>  **TawnyOwl95** , my amazing beta  
>  **ParmeJeanneCheese** my amazing sensitivity reader and enby experience coach  
> AND NOW, INTRODUCING TO THE SCENE THE NEWEST MEMBER OF THE TEAM:  
>  **pigsflew** , my trans sensitivity reader starting this chapter, who is helping me with binary trans content, and who is already proving to be amazing!
> 
> Seriously, all of these people are pushing me so hard and going above and beyond with their thought and insight, so huge huge thanks to them for being right here with me in this journey!!!
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter! (FYI, it gets a tiny bit steamy in this chapter, but this fic remains and will remain at a T rating!)

**_“Why fit in when you’re born to stand out?”- Stargirl, Jerry Spinelli_ **

When Tony’s new swimsuit arrived in the mail a few months before camp, they waited until their roommate was in class to sneak to her room to try it on in front of her full length mirror. They’d ordered it online. It was hard to find something they liked in stores, among all the triangle string bikinis and ruffly one pieces and tankinis. They ripped open the package and slipped on the black spandex like swim shorts and plain black sports bra like top. They pivoted from side to side to get a good look at it in the flimsy mirror hanging on their roommate’s door. 

They liked it. Liked that it was black, liked that it was fairly neutral. Liked that it was athletic and they could move in it. Liked the way their body looked, exposed stomach and all. 

It certainly revealed their body, showed their not very prominent but still existent curves. Did not, in any way, hide the fact that they had boobs. But, somehow, Tony didn’t mind. They wondered, sometimes, if their lack of desire to get top surgery or bind meant they weren’t _really_ agender. Or, well, not agender _enough_ to use that label. But, they also wondered sometimes if they were trying too hard to be ‘androgynous’ (whatever that means, anyways). They wondered if they were trying too hard to compensate, or always prove their gender identity and justify their pronouns. They worried if they played into the stereotype of all enbies being skinny, short haired, pixielike and boyish. Like Peter Pan.

Tony sighed and looked at themself in the mirror, ruffled their hair. They had to constantly remind themself not to worry about any of that. To dress how they liked. To remember that it wasn’t their responsibility to represent every agender or non-binary person everywhere. It was hard.

When they heard the lock of their apartment front door turning, they rushed out of their roommate’s room and into their own. They kept the swimsuit on. Lounged around in it until they got cold and decided they needed to put real clothes on again. They liked it. They could be strong enough in their identity to wear what they liked at camp. Couldn't they?

* * *

“Tony?”

Tony looked up from the _Guardians of the Galaxy_ comic book they were borrowing from Newt. Azira was doing the thing where she acted uncharacteristically shy, half hiding behind a cabin post, peeking out into Tony’s side of the cabin.

“Yeah?” Tony replied.

“Can I come sit with you?”

“Course.” Tony shifted to let her join them on their bed. Azira sat cross-legged, facing Tony. She was wearing paisley pajamas, which shouldn’t have looked remotely good. She somehow made them look cute.

“I wanted to show you something,” she said softly. She opened her palm to reveal a pronoun button, just like Tony’s, except with _she/her_ in blocky letters. “It came in time for the campers tomorrow.”

Tony had forgotten they had even given her the link to that website. They hadn’t expected for her to actually get a button. It was touching.

“I was thinking- I can’t believe I didn’t think of it before- but we should get a bunch.”

“A bunch?” Tony repeated, not quite following.

“Of pronoun buttons. For everyone.”

Tony felt a sinking sensation in their stomach. “I don’t want to impose on anyone-”

“Of course not! It would be entirely voluntary. We could just have lots of buttons and people could wear them if they want! I’m so upset I didn’t think of it in time for this session, but we can still get them, and then next session…”

Tony didn’t know how to explain that they didn’t want any extra unnecessary attention drawn to themself. That they didn’t want to be known as that person shoving their queerness down everyone’s throats. And what if someone wasn’t comfortable sharing their pronouns yet? They wouldn’t want to make someone feel like they had to out themself.

Maybe Azira could see Tony’s uncertainty, because she said, “Well, it’s too late for tomorrow, anyways. But, you know, I thought, maybe. We can revisit it later.”

Tony nodded, feeling somewhat relieved.

“Are you excited for our new set of campers?”

They gave Azira a soft smile. “Yeah.”

Azira lit up. “Me too!” She looked down, twiddling with the button still in her hand. “I’m excited to be sharing them with you again.”

Tony blushed. They were excited for that, too. It was different this time. They were really on the same page now. Or, as close as they could get, anyways. The kids arriving meant giving up their privacy, but it wasn’t as if they’d utilized it much. After their date, they had spent Session Break mostly hanging out with Newt and Anathema, and then they’d had to prepare for the new set of campers. 

Azira rose to her knees suddenly and peeked out the cabin window, looking up and down the line. She sat back on her heels, and then, quick as anything, she leaned forward and pecked Tony on the cheek. Their eyebrows rose in surprise. They hadn’t kissed since the date. Tony wanted to do it again. Once they’d actually done it, it wasn’t so scary. And it was so _nice._ But there hadn’t exactly been opportunities.

“Sorry, was that-” Azira started to ask.

“Coast was pretty clear?” Tony asked before she could finish, heart lodging in their throat and picking up speed. 

Azira nodded, wide eyed. Tony leaned forward, hesitated momentarily, but then, realizing they had a very small window of time, kissed her on the lips. It was only supposed to be a quick peck, no more than what Azira had just done on their cheek. But Azira’s hand swept up to their face and held it in place. She prolonged the kiss and it was just a little bit intoxicating, their lips moving together. Tony let it go on too long. They pulled away abruptly, worried there could be a passerby. Azira’s hand let go of their face but remained suspended, unsure of where to go.

“Was that- I mean, did you not-?” Azira eyebrows furrowed in panic and concern.

“No! That was.” Tony cleared their throat. “Just.” They tilted their head toward the window.

“Right! Yes! Of course! So sorry!” Azira sat back and pulled her knees up to her chest, her face reddening. “Got a little carried away,” she finished weaky.

“It’s like you said the other night,” Tony said slowly. “We have to be careful.” They couldn’t risk being separated. Tony didn’t know how they would get through the summer if they were.

“I know, I know! I just-” Azira rested her chin on her knees. “I’ve been wanting to do that for a while,” she mumbled.

Tony understood. They thought maybe they could spend a whole day kissing Azira, getting to know all the different ways it could feel. But when could they possibly have a chance to do that in their current situation? Even if they weren’t trying to keep their- well, whatever it was they were doing- a secret, they were about to welcome a new set of campers to their cabin. They wouldn’t exactly have ample opportunities to sneak off.

As if she had read their mind, Azira said, “I do have a bit of an idea.”

“About what?” Tony asked, resurfacing from their thoughts.

“How to get some privacy occasionally. Do you think Hastur or Beez would be willing to switch free periods with you?”

* * *

Opening Day went pretty much without a hitch. They greeted their new campers, had the Opening Day burgers and watermelon, did the same activity skits a second time. Tony was marginally less embarrassed all day than they’d been the first time around, if only because it wasn’t the first time. Azira didn’t put them on the spot in front of the kids during lunch or dinner, but Tony figured that was more a result of awkwardness due to their new situation than a real understanding of Tony’s aversion to attention.

On Day 2 _,_ the morning free swim before lunch was used for swim tests at the lake. Last session, Tony had conveniently come up with an excuse to avoid going down with everyone. Something about preparations they needed to make for WiN. They still hadn’t been down to the lake this summer.

They probably should have gone. To support the kids, some of whom were nervous about passing the test. They weren’t sure if they could make the same excuse again. Maybe they could go down with the group, but remain on dry land. They knew last session, Azira had done the test along with the kids to provide them moral support. 

Azira was already in a swimsuit with a beach cover up and a big floppy hat, lining the kids up outside the cabin single file to march down to the lake. Tony sighed and went outside to join them, not wearing their swimsuit. They could cheer from the sidelines. If Azira noticed that they were refusing to participate in lake activities, she didn’t say anything. 

When the group got down to the lake, it was exactly as Tony remembered it. The expansive lake lined with pine trees, the big wooden dock hovering over the water, the red rope with buoys that delineated the swimming area. Tony had spent a lot of time as a camper jumping off that dock, competing with Azira to make the biggest splash, racing from the dock to the rope.

Tony took a seat leaning against a rock while the lifeguards directed all of the campers and counselors to gather around the foot of the dock and explained “swim demonstrations”, which was what they called swim tests to make them sound less intimidating. Tony pulled their knees to their chest as the kids started tossing down towels, pulling off shirts and lining up at the dock. They dared to look at Azira. 

She had removed her floppy hat and was gingerly placing it on top of her neatly folded towel she’d set on the ground. She took off her glasses and folded them, placing them on top of the hat. She pulled off her stupid flowery beach cover up revealing her stupid fifties style peach colored bikini with the high waisted swim bottom and the halter top with the tie front and the polka dots. Tony looked steadfastly at their knees, their cheeks undeniably hot. It felt wrong, somehow, to look.

Swim demonstrations went on for a long time, and Tony wished they had brought something to do. Azira jumped in the water with the first camper and then stayed in, treading water and making conversation with the kids the whole time. Maybe Tony should have been sitting on the dock, chatting with the kids, but they couldn’t be so close to Azira when she was so, ah, _exposed._ Anyways, they were doing the very important job of guarding everyone’s towels and shoes and glasses.

Out of seemingly nowhere, Azira was out of the water and making her way towards Tony, one arm half wrapped around a crying camper. She wasn’t walking towards Tony, they realized, but to the camper’s things. She wrapped Sam up in a towel and rubbed her arms and whispered something to her. Sam pressed her head against Azira’s body and Azira hugged her.

Tony felt paralyzed. They weren’t sure if they should go over and help or not. Azira sent Sam to sit on a rock, and Sam bundled herself up in a towel cocoon, looking like a sad little pale leaf of a thing. 

Azira gathered her things, redonning her glasses, and wrapped herself up in her own towel. She quickly walked to Tony and sat down next to them.

Tony opened their mouth to say something, but came up empty. They felt helpless. They weren’t that good with emotions. They didn’t know how to respond to crying kids. Not a great quality in a camp counselor.

“Sam didn’t finish the swim demo,” Azira whispered to Tony. “She panicked as soon as she hit the water, flailing and struggling to keep a stable tread, grabbing for the dock and everything. She said it was because it was too cold. It’s hard to tell, she might not be a strong swimmer and is embarrassed. Anyways, she can do it again later, and she can sign up for swimming and practice. We just need to be sensitive, since the other campers in our cabin are all doing well.”

Tony nodded. They looked at what had become a towel caterpillar with red hair sticking out. “Should we be leaving her to sit by herself over there?” 

“No, I’m going back, but I wanted to update you without her being in earshot.”

Azira was so _good_ at this, always knowing exactly what to do. Tony needed to take notes. “Can I go with you?” 

“Of course.” Azira stood and held her towel tighter around herself. Tony followed her to Sam and they each sat on either side of her. Sam looked up at them and popped a hand out of her towel cocoon to rub her sniffling nose.

“Hey Sam,” Tony said gently. 

“Can I go back to the cabin early?” she asked, wide pleading eyes directed at Tony. Tony glanced at Azira in slight panic. She nodded and mouthed ‘ _you?_ ’. Tony looked back at Sam. It was just going back to the cabins. They could do this.

“Yeah. I’ll go with you,” Tony said, standing.

Sam slid off of the rock and dug through the pile of thrown off shoes to put on too big flip flops that went well with her too big towel. She was small, all skinny limbs and pointy joints. Freckled too. It was all too familiar. She brought back memories of Tony being a lost and sad camper all those years ago.

Tony looked at Azira. She gave them an encouraging smile. They let out a breath and turned to walk to main camp with Sam.

They had made it about halfway to their cabins without talking. Tony felt awkward, not sure how to cheer Sam up. Not trying was worse, though. They forced themself to say something. “You doing okay?” They felt the stupidity of the question as it passed through their lips.

“M’ rilly c-c-cold,” Sam pouted.

“Well,” Tony tried, hoping they sounded encouraging. “When we get back to the cabin, you can take a nice warm shower and get into some dry clothes.” Sam sniffled. “And then. After that.” Tony bit their lip and thought. “How about some hot cocoa?”

Sam’s eyes widened. “Hot cocoa?” she asked.

“Yeah, but. You can’t tell the others, okay? They’ll be jealous.” And Tony wasn’t sure it was really allowed- them sneaking into the food storage in the mess hall to steal cocoa packets.

Sam smiled and nodded enthusiastically.

After Sam had showered and changed and pulled her red hair into a messy wet bun, Tony took her to the mess hall and snuck her in the back way. Tony really _really_ shouldn’t have been bringing a camper through dry storage, but they didn’t want her out of their sight. 

Sam was mesmerized by the shelves and shelves of bulk food goods. Tony scanned the room, trying to remember where the cocoa packets were. They caught sight of a Swiss Miss box and tore it open to take a few packets. They grabbed a bag of marshmallows from the s’mores supplies while they were at it. They put a finger to their mouth to indicate that Sam should be quiet and led her to the main kitchen to get mugs and spoons. They heated hot water in a coffee maker that was hooked up for staff. They filled the mugs and snuck Sam onto the mess hall porch, where they claimed a bench together, out of the danger zone. 

Tony let Sam put two packets of cocoa in her mug and pile it with marshmallows. She was delighted. How come Tony hadn’t realized sooner that the way to a kid’s heart was through sugar?

Tony sipped their own cocoa, a single marshmallow floating in the middle. Sam was chattering happily about the best ratios of chocolate powder to marshmallows when Tracy appeared at the mess hall steps. Tony tried to hide the contraband behind themself. It wasn’t much use when they were both obviously drinking mugs of _something._

“Oh, aren’t you two looking nice and happy!” Tracy said.

“I had a horrible time in the swim demonstrations,” Sam perked up to say. “The lake is freezing!”

Tracy tsked. “That lake is too cold,” she said, shaking her head.

“But then Crow came back to the cabins with me and we made hot cocoa!” Sam held up her mug proudly. Tony grimaced.

Tracy put a hand to her heart. “Now that is a good counselor,” Tracy said. “You’re a lucky one.” She winked at Sam and Sam giggled, returning to sipping her cocoa happily. Tony wondered if this meant they were not in trouble. Tracy turned to Tony. “Crow,” she said, hands clasped and index fingers steepled. “Lucky I happened upon you, because you are exactly who I wanted to see.” 

Tony raised their eyebrows. Maybe they _were_ in trouble. They glanced at Sam, and then back at Tracy. “Do you need to talk to me alone?”

Tracy waved a hand dismissively. “Oh, no. You two look so cozy!”

Tony took a sip of cocoa and waited.

“There is going to be an out of camp trip next week with Mr. Shadwell. It’s going to be a backpacking and canoe trip.” Tracy put both hands on her heart and shook her head dreamily. “Two nights under the stars. A full day of backpacking. A little more hiking the third day followed by a float down the French Broad.” She paused, apparently waiting for a reaction. 

Tony stared at her blankly. It sounded like a pretty typical camp trip. They weren’t sure what she wanted from them. Sam started eating marshmallows out of the bag. 

Tracy valiantly kept her energy up. Tony tried to look interested. “I said to my dear old Mr. Shadwell, you know what I said?” Tony shook their head. They raised their eyebrows in a way that they hoped said they wanted to find out. “I said, now I know you are going to want some counselors with you, and do you know who would be the perfect person? There would be no one better to go with you and help lead this thing than our very own Crow!” 

Tony raised their eyebrows for real. _Lead?_ Tracy wanted them to help _lead_ an out of camp trip? Surely she was exaggerating and she just meant they should be one of the counselors on the trip. Even that was exciting, only a few counselors got to go on trips. 

“You were always such a good backpacker when you were a camper! And then what you did last session with that-” she covered one side of her mouth, as if trying to keep Sam from hearing, to whisper, “ _snake_.” Sam was too focused on shoving marshmallows in her mouth to react. “What do you think?” Tracy prompted. “Will you go?”

“Um. Yeah, of course.” They’d loved going on these trips as a camper.

Tracy clapped her hands together, her beaded bracelets clinking. “Oh, wonderful! I’m so excited to tell Mr. Shadwell.” Tracy sighed happily. “Lovely seeing you two.” She turned to walk into the mess hall, but then, as if just remembering something, she turned back and waved a finger in the air. “You have completed your swim demonstration, haven’t you?”

Tony’s heart sank. “Oh, uh. Haven’t gotten around to it yet.”

“Ah, no worries! Just get it done in the next few days so we can get the paperwork started. Toodaloo!” She swept away, her shawls fluttering, and disappeared into the mess hall.

“I want to try my swim demonstration again,” Sam announced. Tony looked down at Sam in surprise. “I want to be able to go canoeing,” she continued.

“Okay,” Tony said.

“Can we do it together?”

Tony smiled. “Yeah.”

* * *

“Oh good, you managed it!” Azira exclaimed quietly, when she met Tony at their rendezvous point, which was behind the bathrooms at the entrance to their line.

“Should we go back to the cabin…?” Tony asked, still not entirely certain what Azira’s plan was. After Tony had convinced Hastur to switch free periods, Azira had told them to meet her here.

“Oh, Lord no!” Azira said, eyes wide in alarm. “A camper could come in to change their shoes or grab something they forgot… it's far too risky.”

“Okay…”

“Follow me!” she said, grabbing Tony’s wrist and not offering them a choice in the matter. Azira popped her head around the bathrooms, checking that the coast was clear, and then started running down the line, Tony in tow.

When they made it to the last cabin, Azira turned sharply left, cutting past the cabin and straight into the woods, pulling Tony down the mountainside. Tony had to weave and duck their head to avoid getting a tree branch to the face. When Azira had apparently deemed their distance sufficiently far, she stopped and turned, looking back up the way they came.

“You are taller. Can you see the cabins?” she asked.

Tony pivoted and looked up. They could only see woods. “No,” they said.

Azira did a full circle, scanning their surroundings. “Can you see any parts of camp?” she asked.

Tony mimicked her and scanned in a full circle. “Nope.”

“Oh, good! That means no one can see us!” Azira started fumbling with her wristwatch. “I’m setting a 10-minute timer,” she said. “Because I can’t stay the whole time, because I actually have a lot of work to do for Line Head stuff.”

Tony nodded. That was fine. That was totally fine. Ten minutes was good.

Azira turned and smiled at Tony, one of her award winning sunshine smiles. And Tony just stared at her like a dingus. 

“Are you ready?” Azira asked. Tony nodded, even though they weren’t sure what they were supposed to be ready for. And then Azira pushed Tony against a tree and started kissing them.

Apparently, Tony had graduated from darling, goodnight kisses to full on making out, because that was what was happening. Azira had pinned Tony and then she had grabbed their face. She was kissing them passionately, frantically. Tony tried to keep up. She slipped her tongue into their mouth, and Tony didn’t know what the heck was going on, but it felt _really good._

Azira took a break from Tony’s lips to kiss their neck, and Tony tried to catch their breath. 

“You can touch me, Tony,” Azira murmured into their neck, and they realized that their arms were stuck to their sides, stiff as a toy soldier. 

“Where?” they croaked, feeling very self conscious.

Azira chuckled as she kissed along their collar bone. “Anywhere you like.”

Tony tested the waters by letting their hands land gently on Azira’s waist, safely away from any more suggestive locations. 

“There you go,” Azira said gently, before she took her glasses off, folding them into one of her hands, and claimed Tony’s mouth again. 

Tony focused more on the kiss, this time, paying attention to the glide of Azira’s mouth, the way their lips moved together. They tried to slow the pace of the kiss, wanting to savor it. Azira responded to Tony’s cue, and the kiss became slow and languid. 

It was impossibly nice, what they were doing. How long had Tony waited for something like this? How long had they waited to feel soft lips and a soft body under their fingers? It was worth the wait.

Tony was so glad it was Azira. That it was her boldness and her gentleness guiding them.

“Is this,” Azira pulled away to breathe, her breath tickling Tony’s kiss bitten lips. “Good?” Her fingers were dancing in their hair, a thumb caressing one of their ears. Tony nodded with half lidded eyes and chased her mouth, wanting to pull her in for more. Azira giggled and complied.

Tony wanted to pour themself into her. All of the words they didn’t know how to say.

They also, yeah, really wanted to touch her more, to feel as much of her body as they could.

Tony carefully began to inch their hands from Azira’s waist to her back, hoping to wrap their arms around her fully, to pull her close. 

They were too slow, too careful. They had barely made their hands off of her waist when they were startled by a loud beeping noise right in their ear, and Azira jerked away. 

“Rats,” she said, putting her glasses back on and turning off her watch timer. She looked up at Tony with a pout. “I don’t want to leave, but I really do have work to do,” she said.

“That’s fine,” Tony said, shrugging as nonchalantly as they could, but still in shock about this whole event. “You should go, uh, you should go work,” they said, because they realized they should probably be supportive.

Azira smiled. She grabbed Tony’s face and gave them a few more quick pecks, and then stepped away. “Okay, okay,” she said. “Now I really have to go.” She straightened her glasses and smoothed out her braids and clothes. “Do I look okay? Not too disheveled?”

“You look perfect,” Tony said. And she did. God, she was so cute.

Azira nodded curtly and swiveled, starting to scurry back up the mountainside.

“Hey, wait! Azira?” Tony called.

Azira paused and turned back towards them.

“Can I read tonight? I mean, to the kids?”

Azira beamed. “Definitely,” she said. “See you at lunch!” she called, before turning again and scurrying up the rest of the way.

And then Tony was alone in the woods, in a daze.

They still had about 35 minutes of break left. 

As they slowly climbed their way back up the mountain and back to the cabins, they tried to wrap their head around this new thing.

Would Azira want to do it again?

They hoped so.

Tony thought about what they would do next time. Where they might try touching Azira. Could they place a hand on the small of her back? Could they cradle her face? Could they run their hands along the curves of her hips? Could they touch her somewhere else…?

 _Nope, nope, nope._

Tony started feeling very hot as they made it out of the woods and turned the corner around the last cabin on the line. 

It was all too much, they couldn’t think about it. How were they going to behave like a normal human being at lunch after something like that?

When they got to their own cabin, they flopped onto their bed and buried their face into their pillow. 

Ten minutes hadn’t been long enough. Tony hadn’t done enough. They should have laid Azira down on the forest floor and rolled her in the leaves, felt her soft body on top of them.

Tony clutched the pillow and bit into it.

What were they going to do? How could they do right by these kids if just thinking about Azira got them so… _hot and bothered?_ It was too distracting.

Tony had to shift their focus and think about the kids.

They thought about Sam. They had talked to the Waterfront Director, and she had found a couple of lifeguards to volunteer to do a special private swim demonstration for Tony and Sam after lunch. Tony wasn’t sure if Sam would pass. They had to be ready to support her and comfort her if she didn’t, and they had to make sure they got their own test done so they could go on this trip. They had to get over their insecurities about being in their swimsuit quick.

It was completely stupid that they were feeling insecure at all. They liked how their swimsuit looked- that’s why they’d picked it. But they had a crippling fear of receiving too much attention. They were afraid of people looking at them. Of people’s perceptions. Of being exposed and vulnerable, out there in the open for everyone’s judging eyes. Judging their gender presentation, judging their skinny freckled body. Just because they were comfortable with their body when they were alone, didn’t mean they were ready to share it with everyone else.

What better way to cool down from an intense make out session than to remember their debilitating lack of self confidence? Tony pulled their pillow over their head and groaned.

* * *

Tony walked Sam down to the lake during Cabin Hour, the period after lunch. There would be no one else there. No one but the two lifeguards that had volunteered to let Sam retake her test and let Tony finally take theirs. In a weird way, having an eleven year old to accompany made the whole thing less humiliating. They were offering moral support and getting their swim test out of the way at the same time. It was convenient, really, that they hadn’t gotten around to it. They didn’t have to dwell on the reasons.

This whole backpacking canoe trip was a nice excuse. The kick they needed to finally bite the bullet. Because they missed swimming in the lake. And maybe if they could do it once, stand up proudly in their swimsuit and go for a swim, they could do it again.

Sam was quiet as she walked with Tony down to the lake. She must have still been embarrassed that she’d failed the swim test the first time.

“Hey,” Tony tried gently. “You know you can try the test as many times as you need.”

“It’s not a test. It’s a _demonstration_. That’s was the lifeguard lady said.”

“Right, no, you’re right. But, you know you can keep practicing, if it doesn’t work out today.”

“I know how to swim!” Sam snapped, crossing her arms. Her eyes looked dangerously puffy.

Tony shut their mouth. They didn’t think there was anything they could say to recover. They felt stupid. That was something they were feeling a lot lately. Maybe if they were quiet enough, their mistake would just disappear. 

“Are you going to do it at the same time as me?” Sam asked.

Tony glanced at Sam. They were too focused on themself, that was the problem. This was just a scared kid. Tony knew what that was like. “Sure. If the lifeguards say it’s okay.”

Sam nodded, her pout still prominent.

When they got to the lakefront, the two lifeguards, Ligur and Demon, were already there, sitting on the edge of the dock with their feet dangling, holding red lifeguard floats. They were both black, shirtless, and in red swim trunks. Even though Ligur was stocky and Demon was thin and wiry, somehow they were both _ripped_ and really good looking and that was really unfair. 

Demon waved cheerfully. Tony lifted a hand in response and smiled weakly before they turned away and huffed. They deposited their towel on a big rock and toed off their Chacos. Sam tossed her towel next to Tony’s, but she kept her water shoes on. She had come down in just her swimsuit and a short sleeve swim shirt she had borrowed from another camper so she would be less cold. Tony was still wearing a t-shirt and shorts over their swimsuit.

“Come _on,”_ Sam said, crossing her arms again impatiently. Tony closed their eyes and took a deep breath. They faced the rock instead of the dock and took off their clothes. They immediately wrapped their arms around themself, not sure if they should cover their stomach or their chest. Sam held a hand out, like she wanted them to hold it, and Tony couldn’t keep hugging themself. They clamped their teeth, but turned and took the child’s hand, walking with her to the dock. 

As they approached, Demon slipped off the dock into the water and swam a few yards away, taking position with his lifeguard float. Ligur stood to face Sam and Tony. 

“Just as a refresher,” he said. “For the demo, all you have to do is swim out to Demon out there on your stomach, then swim back to me on your back, then tread water here by the dock for sixty seconds.”

Tony looked at Sam. She didn’t seem to be listening. She was looking out at Demon nervously.

“Can we do it at the same time?” Tony asked, trying to nonverbally signal that Sam was uneasy. Ligur looked at Sam and then Tony blankly.

“Sure. Whatever,” he said. “Just as long as you aren’t holding hands or anything. You have to show that you can swim independently.”

Sam looked up at Ligur in alarm. “Can Crow hold my hand when we jump in?” Her fingers dug into Tony’s hand. “I’m nervous. Because of the cold.”

Ligur shrugged. “Yeah. But once you’re in, you gotta let go.” Sam nodded seriously.

Sam and Tony walked together to the end of the dock. Tony was impatient to get into the water so they could hide themself. Sam eyed the water with hesitation. “Just let me know when you are ready,” Tony said. “We can count to three.”

Sam nodded. “I’m ready,” she said.

“Okay. One, two, three!” 

They jumped together. The water was cold, but it wasn’t as cold as Tony remembered from when they were a camper. They remembered it always felt like cutting through freshly melted ice. This water was fairly pleasant; more refreshing than frigid. Sam apparently didn’t agree. She was shivering, slapping at the water and flailing dramatically. 

“It’s okay!” Tony tried to calm her down. “Hey. Look at me.” Sam focused on Tony and seemed to relax some. “I’m right here, yeah?” Sam bit a trembling lip, but started treading. “You can do this. All we have to do is swim to Demon over there, and then swim back. Not so bad, right?”

“But we have to st-stay in the w-water for a l-l-long time!” 

“Not so long. It will be over before you know it. And once we start swimming, we’ll warm up.”

Sam held her mouth shut, stopping the chattering. “Okay,” she said. She turned and started swimming. So she really _did_ know how to swim. Tony kept pace with her. When they got to Demon, he high fived them both, saying “Good job.” When they got back to the dock, they started treading, and Demon swam over to join them. Ligur sat at the dock, holding a stopwatch. He hadn’t even bothered to get wet.

“What’s your favorite movie?” Demon asked Sam. He somehow managed to get her to launch into an explanation of which Disney movies were best, and she forgot about panicking about the cold. By the time the minute was up, she was calm and happy, and she didn’t even rush to the dock ladder. 

“Thanks,” Tony said quietly to Demon. Demon just smiled in return. He had a softness to his face Tony hadn’t noticed before. And dimples. That _really_ wasn’t fair. Tony tried to ignore whatever they were feeling and followed Sam up the ladder. 

Tony nodded to Ligur before returning to their towel and drying off. 

* * *

By week two of Second Session, Azira and Tony had a system. Secret meetings during their synced up free period and various rendezvous points Azira had come up with. 

Rendezvous point number four was not exactly the most inconspicuous. It was underneath the lookout tower at the bottom of Star Hill. Tony felt weird hanging out there waiting. They didn’t have a good excuse to be there, and it was very out in the open. Azira thought if they met in different places, it might make it harder to notice what they were doing. Tony wasn’t sure they bought that theory, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t a theory worthy of rigorous testing. 

It wouldn’t have mattered that Tony was looking suspicious under the lookout tower if Azira had met them there when they had planned, but Tony had been waiting for twenty minutes, and it was getting a little bit awkward. They kicked at a few pine cones, thinking they’d have brought something to sit in if they’d known they’d be waiting this long. Another ten minutes passed and they decided to call it. Azira was probably held up in something important. 

They were halfway back up Star Hill, heading back to their cabin, when Azira came running towards them from another direction. Tony stopped and waited for her to reach them. She folded over, pressing on her knees and breathing hard when she did.

“Walk,” Tony teased, trying to keep their face neutral.

“Oh, shut up,” Azira muttered between gasping breaths. She looked up, eyes crinkled in concern. “I’m so sorry I’m late,” she said softly. “I got caught with Tracy. There’s, ah. Just a few people I need to talk to and check on. Line Head stuff, you know.” She shook her head. “I’ve got a lot to do and think about.”

“We don’t have to hang out right now,” Tony said. “I mean, if you’re too busy.”

Azira’s eyes widened. “I want to! I know I’m late, but-” She closed her eyes, seeming to restore her breathing to a normal tempo. “I’ve been looking forward to this all day.”

Tony looked at their watch. “We’d better get going then. We don’t have a lot of time left in the period.”

Azira nodded and pointed down the gravel drive that wound past the lookout tower.

A little ways down the drive, they slipped into the woods together, calmly walking until they felt deep enough to not be easily discovered. 

When they stopped, Azira reached for Tony’s hand and started playing with it with both of hers, looking at that instead of Tony’s face. “Thank you,” she said softly.

“What for?”

She met Tony’s eyes. “For waiting.”

Tony leaned in to kiss her on the cheek, but she turned at the last minute and caught their lips with hers. “Cheater,” Tony mumbled, when she pulled away.

Azira smiled, but her smile was quickly replaced by a frown, like she was remembering something. “Do you think you can do Cabin Hour alone today? I have to meet with one of the counselors on our line to talk about issues she’s having.”

“Yeah, sure.”

Azira chewed on her cheek. “Are you sure? I already left you alone during bedtime yesterday.”

“Hey. It’s okay. You’re busy. I can handle it.” Tony had been spending more time on their own with the kids this session, and they’d thought they’d be terrible, but it really wasn’t so bad. Azira had important stuff to do and it felt good, pulling a little more weight.

Azira nodded, but looked uncertain.

“What, you don’t trust me?” They knew they weren’t as good a counselor as Azira, but they didn’t think they were awful or anything.

“Oh, no! It’s not that! Never that.” She chewed on her cheek some more, like she was thinking. 

“Maybe relax for a total of two minutes?”

Azira chuckled. “You’re right. Of course you are.” She looked at her watch. “We have eight minutes.” 

Azira took off her glasses and slipped her arms around Tony’s neck. Tony smiled. It felt natural. They had done this a few times now, and Tony was getting comfortable with how it felt to wrap their arms around Azira. Their lips met easily. 

Tony still wasn’t over how nice it felt, to feel so close to Azira, to feel her lips moving with theirs, their hands pressing on her back, the fabric of her shirt shifting beneath their palms and fingers. They knew eight minutes wouldn’t be enough. They knew if they could manage this every day, it wouldn’t be enough. They suddenly remembered the trip and pulled away to look at her. She looked beautiful, eyes closed and lips smiling, the light filtering through the trees sprinkling her face. Tony surged forward, peppering her face with kisses. 

“Excited,” Azira said through giggles.

Tony stopped. “Sorry, I-“

Azira opened her eyes. “No, it’s okay! I liked it. Just a little surprised.”

“I’m just going to miss you, that’s all.”

Azira furrowed her eyebrows, and then her eyes widened. “The trip!”

“Yeah.”

“You are leaving tonight!”

“Yeah.”

“Oh, and I just got you back from leave!”

“I know.” Tony bit their lip. “You are okay with me going, right? I mean, do you need me to stay and help? Because-”

“No, no, no! You have to go on this trip! It’s such a great leadership opportunity for you.”

Tony snorted. “I don’t want to be a leader.”

“Well, it’s something you want to do, and that’s enough,” she said firmly. “I’ll be just fine.”

Tony searched her eyes, wondering if she really meant it. Her fierceness told them she wouldn’t fold. “Okay.”

Azira smiled as her fingers found the little short bits of hair at Tony’s neck. “I like your haircut, by the way,” she cooed. 

Tony blushed. 

“Did you think I wouldn’t notice?” Her eyes were fond and teasing.

Tony answered only by kissing her again.

* * *

“Welcome, recruit.” Mr. Shadwell saluted Tony. They stared at him for a minute until they realized he was waiting for them to salute back. They did. “At ease,” Mr. Shadwell said, and they both lowered their arms.

Mr. Shadwell shoved a piece of paper at Tony. It was a packing list. “You, soldier, are gon’ get all ‘em supplies out and ready. Food packages, packs, stoves and fuel canisters. When them campers get here, we’ll have ‘em pack their own packs, but we need all them supplies ready.” He pointed firmly at the shed they had met in front of.

“Got it,” Tony said. Mr. Shadwell walked past Tony to leave. “Wait!” they called as they spun around, not wanting to be left alone with such little guidance. “Where are you going?”

Mr. Shadwell looked back. “Gotta bring up them vans! Rented ‘em, just need ta bring ‘em up the drive. Y’ever driven a twelve passenger van?”

Tony’s eyes widened. “Uhh.”

“Don’t you worry, we’ll take one fer a spin when I get up here. We’ll getya comfortable faster ‘en you can say ‘Appuh-latch-uh’.” He spun around jauntily and headed for the gravel drive behind camp.

Tony sighed and looked at the list. It wasn’t so bad. There would be one tent per every two people, camping food and stoves. The kids would bring their own clothes and water bottles. Tony opened the shed and started fishing out backpacks.

Tony had just lined up backpack number sixteen when they were startled by the high pitch of a child’s voice.

“Crow!”

Tony turned to find Warlock running toward them and they wondered again why this child always seemed to be unsupervised.

Warlock stopped in front of Tony. “I want to talk to you before you leave. It’s important.” 

“Uh, sure,” Tony said. “Let’s sit down.” They gestured to the shed and they both settled down in the dirt, leaning against it.

Warlock stared forward not saying anything, teeth on a trembling lip.

“What’s up?” Tony asked gently.

Warlock sideglanced at Tony. “You know how you said you wanted to know who I said I was and not who my parents said I was? And then we talked about names and stuff, remember?”

“Yeah.” Tony started to feel like they might know the direction this was going. They made sure to be at full attention.

Warlock kicked at the dirt. “I’ve been thinking a lot.” 

Tony waited quietly, trying to give Warlock the space to say whatever needed to be said. They were nervous. For themself and for Warlock. Because this was a delicate thing, and Warlock would need support, and Tony didn’t want to do it wrong. Inadvertently traumatize the kid or something. They kept their breathing even: they needed to be a calm presence for Warlock.

“You’re not a boy or a girl, right?” Warlock asked.

“Right.”

“But you didn’t always know that.”

“No.”

“You thought you were a girl.”

“Yes.”

The child brought their knees to their chest, pulling them close. “I’m not a boy.”

Tony nodded, thinking carefully about how to respond. It was a big thing, it was a _scary_ thing, to be trusted with something like this. They were definitely, absolutely _not_ a gender expert. They’d had to figure out a lot on their own; they didn’t know how to be a mentor. But who else could Warlock possibly talk to about this? The most important thing was being supportive and validating. Right? “Thank you for telling me.” 

“I’m not like you though,” Warlock added. “I _am_ a girl. I think.”

“It’s okay to not be a hundred percent sure,” Tony offered gently. “Sometimes it takes some time to figure it out. It was really brave of you to tell someone.”

Warlock nodded, wiping away the tiniest bit of tears. 

“You mentioned names, too,” Tony prodded. They wanted to be careful, but they wanted to make sure Warlock had a chance to get everything they needed to off their chest. They remembered how important saying things aloud had been when they’d started coming out, and how hard it was to speak the words they’d needed to. “Was there something else?”

“I don’t like my name.”

“Right. Is there a new name you want to use?”

The child shrugged and looked at the ground. 

“Are you okay with using your current name until you decide?”

Another shrug. 

Even now, Tony thought about what Azira would do. She hadn’t handled it particularly well, when Tony came out to her. She had made them feel silly and small. But then she’d offered something Tony hadn’t quite known they’d needed.

“How about we try a new name, just you and me, and you can see how it feels. We can try pronouns, too. She or they… we can try different things and you can decide what fits. I’m going to be gone a few days, so you can think about it, and then you can tell me when I get back. Does that sound like a good idea?”

Maybe-not-Warlock nodded.

“Do you want a hug?”

Another nod and Tony felt little arms wrap around them, hugging tight. Tony rubbed the child’s back gently. 

“Thank you, Crow.”

“Of course.” This child had something Tony had never had as a kid: an adult to relate to, to understand in a way that cis people just couldn’t. Tony could be that, _had_ to be that. “Is there anyone, ah. Anyone specifically you don’t want to know yet?”

“My parents,” the child said into Tony’s chest. That broke Tony’s heart. They tried not to show a reaction. They didn’t want to make any of this harder by seeming appalled or something. They closed their eyes and tried very carefully. “Do you think they would be unsupportive?”

“I don’t know.” They (or perhaps she) said it matter-of-factly, which was a relief. Being uncertain at least meant there was a chance they would react well.

Tony gave the kid a squeeze. “You can talk to me anytime, okay?” They were firm.

“Okay. I gotta go find my nanny. I feel a little bad for always running away.”

Ah, so that’s what it was. “Okay.”

The child ran off, and Tony was alone again. They felt a weight fall squarely on their shoulders. It was a big responsibility, being a child’s confidante, being a child’s mentor. And they’d become that right before going off camp for two nights. On a trip they were supposed to be a leader of. They looked at the pile of backpacks. They let out a long breath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song for this chapter is “Dirty Little Secret” by All-American Rejects!
> 
> It will likely be a while before the next update, though hopefully not as long! I’m a bit busy this month because... on Friday I’m getting married! In a courthouse, but we are still taking some time to celebrate ☺️. We are also honeymooning on Christmas by “glamping” in this tiny cabin- we got cocoa and marshmallows and those chocolate spoons with white chocolate and peppermint 😍. So if it does take a while, know it’s for important and fluffy reasons 😄.
> 
> Update: Congrats to Elliot Page for coming out as trans _today_! I just found out and thought I’d give him/them a shout. Jam Man and I have been watching Umbrella Academy and enjoying the unapologetic queerness of Vanya and Klaus, so def check it out if superhero stuff is your thing.


	7. [Interim bonus content and update announcement]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was the first thing I wrote for this fic and was written on the bus on my university campus shortly before the Spring Break after which I never returned to campus because of the pandemic. When I went to summer camp as a kid, we exchanged AOL Instant Messaging (AIM) usernames to keep in touch, so I thought it would be fun to see Tony and Azira go through social media over the years and have that as a little intro to the fic. I scrapped this very early on when I realized I didn’t want to set the fic in 2013, so my social media references wouldn’t work 😅. Instead, the intro became what you know and love (I hope 😂), with the correspondence we see being Azira’s letters. But, in honor of my year working on this fic, I wanted to share this little fun (non-canon to the fic!) tid bit with you ☺️. [See notes for update announcement.]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my wonderful readers! I have an update update for you! There are four more chapters in this fic and I am trying to do _a lot_ with them (along with my team of fabulous helpers!) while having a coherent climax/resolution. I’m really excited for where it’s going! However, in order to do this as best I can, I am holding off on updating this fic until I have ALL of those chapters sorted- which means a continued posting hiatus, but it also means once I post again, you can be certain of a regular posting schedule!
> 
> In the mean time: today marks a full year since I started working on this fic! On March 3, 2020, I found out my AU assignment for the Good AUmens event and I immediately started writing! So much has happened since then- some of which we experienced together: the pandemic, the U.S election, Destial becoming canon (twice)- and some of which was on my own: I finished my masters! Got a new job! Started an online book club! Got married! And through all of that, Tony was with me. Thank you for coming along for the ride! Here is a little snippet of where it all started.

_Aim_

**booknerd851**

hey, it’s Azira!!! 

so excited you gave me your aim!!! :D

I already miss camp (-_-...)

**snakesRc00l**

hey

cute avatar

**booknerd851**

thanks!!!!!!

i looovvvvvveeee studio ghibli!!!

**snakesRc00l**

that’s cool

**booknerd851**

g2g!!!

it’s dinner time!!!!

spaghetti night, my fave!!!

**snakesRc00l**

ttyl

**booknerd851**

ugh

skool sux

i wish we went 2 the same skool

**snakesRc00l**

me too

u r coming 2 camp next summer, right?

**booknerd851**

duh!!! is that even a question????

  
  
  


_MySpace_

**Zira Sparkles**

Guess who made my top ten friends!!!

**Tony Crowley**

Your page is too pink. It’s blinding. Also, why do you have a fake last name?

**Azira Sparkles**

It’s the internet, Ton! You can never be too careful.

**Tony Crowley**

K.

**Azira Sparkles**

Also my parents don’t know I have a MySpace

**Tony Crowley**

0.0 rebel

**Azira Sparkles**

Did you see the sparkly Tinkerbell on my page???!! So cute, right??? Maybe if I ever become a camp counselor, my nickname can be Tink!!!

**Tony Crowley**

Your parents are right. You shouldn’t have a MySpace.

**Azira Sparkles**

Hey! You love it. At least mine isn’t all black and red. With all those skulls and crossbones! What’s that all about? I didn’t know you were so emo.

**Tony Crowley**

Mind your business

**Azira Sparkles**

I tired to listen to that My Chemical Romance album, but I didn’t like it. I used my iTunes gift card from my birthday for that, so you owe me.

**Tony Crowley**

No way, you just have to listen to it some more. Maybe you would like Avril Lavigne better.

**Azira Sparkles**

Hmm… I’ll think about it. I bet you would like this Ashley Simpson song. It’s all dark, like what you like. I love her whole album, OMG! I’ll bring my cd to camp this summer! Those are allowed, right? I know we can’t have iPods, which is so sad, because I just got a nano and it’s so cute. It’s pink!

_Facebook_

**Tony Crowley**

So now it’s okay to use your full name

**Azira Fell**

Well, it’s more limited, right? Only college students and high school students.

**Tony Crowley**

It used to just be college students. Just wait. Also, everybody lies. I got my aim when I was like 8.

  
  
  


**Tony Crowley**

Can you stop posting Harry Potter pick up lines to my wall

**Azira Fell**

No.

**Tony Crowley**

Ugghhh.

**Azira Fell**

XD

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If this wasn’t everything you hoped and dreamed it would be... listen. The only thing I have done with this since probably last March when I scrapped this is clean up the formatting for you. Otherwise, this is raw bus writing with maybe some additions at home before I thought “mmm, never mind”. I do remember spending a lot of time thinking about what kind of avatar Azira might have that was super cutesy but that Tony would still maybe think is cool 😂. (Please know that I was so tempted to edit this, but that would have been disingenuous.)

**Author's Note:**

> The [Spotify Playlist!](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1hBcJ6PARw1VJZGCA2Y3Hi?si=u_W_yxLpRi2vuPMyG3MyNQ)
> 
> Find me on tumblr as [jamgrlsblog](https://jamgrlsblog.tumblr.com/)!
> 
> The update schedule is sort of... if it's a Tuesday, _maaaybeee_ there will be an update. Which Tuesdays? No one knows! BUT, when that Tuesday arrives, it will be a great Tuesday because it will be a Tony Tuesday.


End file.
